"You Are So Nashville If...”

Illustrations by Randy Garrett

contest

“...you returned a friendly Southern wave to Adam Dread as he veered across Franklin Pike.”

—Cindy Parrish, 1st Place Winner

It’s hard to believe that it’s been 15 years. For a decade and a half, we’ve been asking you to tell us what makes our city so, well, Nashville, and you’ve been obliging us each year with a flood of responses. Back in 1989, when we started this contest, the winning entry noted that it was so Nashville to think that “our Parthenon is better because the other one fell apart.” In the years since, your responses have been sometimes hilarious, occasionally angry and still other times downright flabbergasting. But always, they reveal something about the character of this place and the people who live here: our habits, our preoccupations, our obsessions.

Last year, it was taxes, tornadoes and Thrillopolis. This year, it’s Steve McNair’s driving, Toby Keith vs. the Dixie Chicks, and those paint-splattered catfish you keep seeing all over town. Oh, and Adam Dread. So read on, and see if this year’s “You Are So Nashville If...” doesn’t, in some way, sum up the Nashville we know and love (and sometimes hate). And if you beg to differ, just remember: There’s always next year’s contest.

It’s not exactly “eye surgery” that comes to mind when you hear those Dr. Wang commercials.

—Joe Scutella, 2nd Place Winner

HONORABLE MENTIONS

You no longer shudder or cringe when giving the direction, “Go down Granny White.” —James Cox

Your church preacher is pro-war, anti-gay, but hey, he loves Jesus! —Joe Scutella

You think Abu-Ali Abdur’Rahman is one of them Hebrew holidays. —Stacy Harris

The editor of your alternative newsweekly paid for his million-dollar house and Belle Meade Country Club membership through years of editorials bashing the club’s members. —Jamison Cochran

Your state university president engages in flying booty calls. —Jamison Cochran

You forgot to grab Steve McNair’s keys. —Marc Jenkins

AND THE REST...

You’re Ludye’s next-door neighbor. —Christopher Schuller

Your quarterback rushed for 440 yards last season but can’t pass a field sobriety test. —Jamison Cochran

Your quarterback and your mom just got a DUI. —Denise Volz

Your quarterback knows DUI Mike too. —Michael Dorr

You remember when John Jay Hooker was a legitimate candidate. —Jana Sims

Now that a judge has instructed John Jay Hooker to stop filing lawsuits, you feel safe turning in a YASNI about him. —Greg Denton

You have been sued by John Jay Hooker. —Roger Carroll

You keep driving around town looking for the John Jay Hooker catfish. —Patti Polk

You wonder where to put the money into those catfish so that your child can ride ’em. —Kaul Bluestone

You think the graffiti on them catfish is just terrible. —John Delworth

You think the taxidermist did a great job mounting those giant catfish. —Diane Levine

You’re 30+ and you’re still an intern on Music Row. —Lauren Tweel

You took a demo tape to June Carter’s funeral. —Marty Quinn

Marty Stuart attends your funeral. —Molly Sullivan

Ryan Adams has verbally abused you. —John Danley

You thought CMT called its awards show “phlegm-worthy.” —Stacy Harris

You think the only Gill worth listening to is Vince. —Greg Denton

You cut cheesy duets with Willie Nelson. —Marc Jenkins

The “good band” you’re in can only play one show a year, because it’s the side project of three touring bands. —Caldwell Dunlap

You still don’t know the difference between Iraq and Iran. —John Danley

You’ve been trying to come up with a word that rhymes with Liberia. —Bill Keck

You can, with a straight face, rhyme “forgotten” with “bin Laden” in a song. —Joe Scutella

You were kicked out of the church choir after you lost your record deal. —David Litwin

The guy mowing your grass has won a Grammy. —Allen Mosiman

You abandon your songwriting career because it doesn’t pay as well as your kid’s recycling-cart rickshaw business. —Robert Erianne

You formulate your view on the war based on the words and songs of popular country artists. —Clifton Kaiser

You think Toby Keith is flameworthy, literally. —Joe Scutella

You’ve had a tough time deciding whose side you’re on in the Dixie Chicks/Toby Keith feud. —Sara Gcock

You didn’t know that entering the country music business negated your First Amendment rights. —Joe Scutella

You’d kinda like to see Toby Keith get it on with the Dixie Chicks. —Ken Lass

You feel guilty for liking the Dixie Chicks. —Stephen W. Phillips

You wonder if Toby Keith got the message. —Greg Denton

You try to legitimize your arguments by posing nude on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. —Greg Denton

At least three Nashville Star contestants still owe you money after their six-week stay in Hillsboro Village. —Chris Chamberlain

You knew where the Nashville Star house was and didn’t care. —Lisa Anderson-Rhoads

You actually recognize Bart or Blair Durham out in public. —James S. Kennedy

You’re perplexed by why every Bart Durham settlement is $500,000. —David Litwin

You are polite at the scene of the accident but hurry home to call Bart Durham. —Bruce Mitchell

You kinda liked Bill Frist until he started proposing constitutional amendments. —Christopher Schuller

You signed your get-well card to Adam Dread, “See you in the Village.” —Sara Gcock

You’d still let Adam Dread borrow your car. —Chris Chamberlain

You questioned the credibility of the news reporters when they referred to Adam Dread as “stable.” —Hugh Vass

You refer to Adam Dread as “the man of seizure.” —Harold Hornberger

You are pro-life but support the death penalty. —James S. Kennedy

You can pronounce the words “Demonbreun” and “Kalodimos” correctly. —Jeff Dean

You think it’s an outrage that the state government would close a state park that you have never visited. —Clifton Kaiser

You saw your uncle from Topeka, Kan., for the first time in 15 years when he came to protest the Metro Council gay rights ordinance. —Marc Jenkins

You want an urban neighborhood and your SUV. —Marijo Cook

You would rather abandon your car in subfreezing temperatures and walk home than wait for traffic to clear. —Stephen W. Phillips

You have no shirt, no shoes and lots of problems. —John Danley

Every stray dog you see is a pitbull. —Chad Hardy

You swear you saw Mario doing the Heimlich maneuver on Kay West. —Stacy Harris

You receive free material to publish in your weekly newspaper in exchange for a single $250 prize, you sell ads based on the popularity of the issue, and then complain that it’s taking up too much space and reduce the font size. —Greg Denton

You still miss Nashville Scene’s “Desperately Seeking the News.” —Christopher Bryan

Your favorite fantasy is to go hunting with Bill Hall. —Stacy Harris

You don’t recognize any reporters or anchors on Channel 4 except Dan and Demetria. —Michele Chaffin

You think NewsChannel 5 violated child labor laws when they hired meteorologist Charlie Neese. —Martha Johnson

You think one weatherperson on the 6 o’clock news just isn’t enough. —Stephen W. Phillips

After years of treatment and rehab, you still have an urge to stomp Demetria Kalodimos’ feet every time you watch the 10 o’clock news on Channel 4. —Marc Jenkins

You wonder how Nashville went from former local newscasters Pat Sajak, Oprah Winfrey and John Seigenthaler to that foreigner on Fox 17. —Marc Jenkins

You like your minister well enough, but you think her girlfriend is just a little too liberal. —Matt Carlton

You’re more likely to find a quorum of Metro Council members at Kroger than at a regularly scheduled meeting. —Maresa Brassil

Your dog-sitter plays sold-out concerts—in Germany and Japan. —Peg Duthie

Your strip club marquee reads “God Bless America.” —David Litwin

You’ve gotten drunk in the Frist Center. —Dale P. Rehn

I threw up on you at Steeplechase. —Jake Snells

The president of your state university is an executive member of the mile-high club. —Jamison Cochran

You can’t go to Target, Kroger or DUI class without running into at least three people you know. —Harry Asenbach

You get arrested for saving your own dog. —Clifton Kaiser

You don’t know why Martha Stewart is on trial but you do understand the Fan Fair name change controversy. —Melody Forsythe

You encourage your children to read The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe but prohibit them from reading the new Harry Potter book. —Stephen W. Phillips

You remember when Bellevue Center mall actually had shops in it. —Stephen W. Phillips

You look at karaoke as more of an audition than a fun night out. —Shannon Smith

You still get your stank in the groove on Second Avenue. —Scott Vandermill

You know the difference between pilates and a paleta. —Jonnelle Rein

You can’t decide if you are mortified or flattered when you see your name appear in “Brad About You.” —Kathi Hall

You think the word “Nashville” is an adjective. —Carmen Germino

You know why Porter Wagoner always gets the young ladies. (Do you know his nickname?) —A. Joy Pullen

There is a waterlogged Budweiser truck on your National Register of Historic Places. —Katherine Le Croy

You learned scuba diving to save a few cases of Budweiser from Riverfront Park. —Dale P. Rehn

You have never been to Riverfront Park to ride the Tennessee Foxtrot Carousel but went down to see the floating Budweiser truck. —John A. Blackwell

One of your relatives has been dissected on national television. Literally. —Greg Denton

That’s your brother’s dead body on TV. —Christopher Schuller

Your tornado warning won’t expire for days. —Dale P. Rhen

Just when you thought that nothing could be done to further class up Nashville’s image, you found out that Tonya Harding has moved into town. —Greg Denton

You feel like you are being stalked by the Emma’s Flowers van. —Jen Gies

At first glance the TDOT signs look to you like “IDIOT.” —Ken Lass

You run into Kenneth Schermerhorn at Kroger on July 5 and you compliment him on “a really nice set at Riverfront last night.” —John Petrucelli

You wonder if right after Mr. Gaylord passed through the pearly gates, he had some explaining to do to Mr. Acuff about why he tore down his park. —Greg Denton

You turn a parking lot into a city park but see nothing wrong in taking a theme park and turning it into a parking lot. —Stephen W. Phillips

You’ve heard that Jack Norman Jr.’s first challenge in his new position as mediator will be to forge a truce between Phil Williams and Larry Brinton. —Stacy Harris

There has been a construction crew on your street since the Titans were the Oilers. —Ralph Decker

You voted for Purcell and Bredesen, but you’re not sure which one is mayor and which one is governor. —Philip Marlowe

You purchased fireworks with food stamps. —John Danley

You want Iraqis to have democracy and free speech, but you think “liberal” Americans should just shut up. —Joe Scutella

You think shopping at Wild Oats makes you an environmentalist. —Jami Hornbuckle

You graduated from an elite private school with someone named Shooter. —Elizabeth Atack

You wonder if Jim Ridley has ever seen a good American film or a bad foreign one. —Marty Quinn

Taking a pay cut still did not save your job! —Michele Chaffin

You think you’re not. —Matt Carlton

It would be almost less embarrassing to have your child watch Chris Noth on Sex in the City than hosting Nashville’s Fourth of July fireworks. —Maresa Brassil

Your city’s daily newspaper has more Hecht’s ads than news. —Clifton Kaiser

You are still visiting local pawn shops looking for merchandise that Charlie Chase’s son stole from your house. —Marc Jenkins

You’ve been fired by Gaylord Entertainment. —Clifton Kaiser

You refer to Berry Hill as a city. —Lisa Malone

You think Target is “uppity.” —David Litwin

You boozed it and lost it. —Chris Chamberlain

Five years ago, you were scared of East Nashville, but now you are looking to buy a house there. —Jonathan Myers

The majority of your CD collection boasts the label “Promotional Copy—Not for Sale.” —Lisa Stover

Your fondest wish is to go from being listed in the Nashville Scene to being pictured in NFocus. —Tim Templeton

You like steamy daytime dramas full of nasty breakups, lovers’ triangles and tearful reunions—and that’s just on your favorite radio sports talk show! —Greg Denton

You’re glad that Steve Gill now has the state income tax upon which to base a career, since basketball and politics didn’t work out. —Greg Denton

You think Steve Cohen should be forced to ride back to Memphis with Sen. Ford. —Jamison Cochran

You think adding bike lanes takes away too much of the road from SUVs. —Jessica Harris

You’ve offered to help finish building the restaurant in between Bound’ry and South Street for free. —Shannon Detro

You laugh at tourists traveling up Music Row who think the buildings are owned by record companies, and not Vanderbilt University. —Jeff Dean

You wonder why, if the University of Phoenix is in Nashville, why aren’t they in the SEC? —Stephen W. Phillips

The only time you’d be caught dead in a truck stop is shortly before or after a Titans game. —Shane Corum

You put an “I support the troops” bumper sticker right next to your “No taxes” sticker. —Jobie Williams

When you need emergency personnel, you consider calling Circle K instead of 911. —Daniel Dunn

Your Tennessee pride took a blow when what’s-her-name lost to Ruben on American Idol. —Sara Gcock

You think Rachel Ray from the Food Network ate expensively for “Forty Dollars a Day.” —Megan Davis

The Jugg Sisters mention you by name during the NashTrash Tour. —Dawn Wyatt

You cut your household expenditures 9 percent across the board. —Michael Dorr

You know where all the country music stars live, but you don’t care! —A. Joy Pullen

You decided to name your own children after the Frist family. —Bryan Meurer

You got the Tennessee environmental license plate because it color-coordinated with your new Hummer 2. —Wendie Turner

You pull up in Hillsboro Village with your Williamson County plates. —Christopher Schuller

The President visited your school, but you weren’t allowed to see him. —Dale P. Rehn

You have seen five car accidents and haven’t left your parking lot. —Sasha Woertz

You ever shot someone while showing your gun to a hot dog vendor. —Greg Denton

You complain that they now charge $3 for Dancin’ in the District, but spend $50 on $5 beers. —Christopher Bryan

You drive the speed limit in Belle Meade. —Elizabeth Carrero

You enjoy the NES tree sculpting project. —Todd Plambeck

You are poor and think the sales tax is fair and the income tax unfair. —Wayne Kersey

You proposed charging a sales tax on the sales tax to balance the state’s budget. —Robert Saunders

Your favorite outlet for country music is NPR. —Stacy Harris

Your school system pays Dye Van Mol half the average salary for two Metro teachers. —Stacy Harris

You bought your purse at the White Bridge Autowash. —Cynthia Hester

You’re convinced that the weapons of mass destruction are hidden in Bobby’s Idle Hour. —Philip Marlowe

Your Bible is better than my Bible. —Jonathan Tinker

You wonder if Irby had Muriel sign a pre-nup. —Michele Chaffin

You are considered a regular at 10 different karaoke shows. —Jackie Shinkle

You actually voted in the special election for vice-mayor. —Marc Jenkins

You finally realized that The Tennessean’s “Davidson AM” section is just another bad advertising section for paying customers. —Chris Chamberlain

You subscribe to The Tennessean for the wrestling coverage. —Chris Chamberlain

Most of your friends’ e-mail addresses are theirname@theirname.com. —John Poitevent

You abandoned your Hummer on the side of the road during the big January snowstorm. —Cindy Thomsen

You judge the severity of approaching storms by how many times WKRN’s Lisa Patton says your area is “under the gun.” —Stephen D. Johnson

You know 199 ways to get from downtown to West End without getting on the interstate. —S. Martin

You heard we’re getting a hockey team. —Matt Carlton

You attempted to schedule childbirth around Bonnaroo. —Dana Delworth

Copies of The Cake Mix Doctor cookbooks are your standard wedding presents, especially for non-Nashvillian brides. —Megan Davis

You live at Arbors of Brentwood, The Preserve at Brentwood, Archstone Brentwood or Brentwood Downs and think you actually live in Brentwood. —Jennifer Castleman

Your political yard sign has been stolen. —Barbara Brand

Your legislator never speaks while the NRA is drinking a glass of water. —Greg Denton

You can no longer think of an entry for the YASNI contest. —Ken Lass

You live in Belle Meade and have a port-a-potty in your front yard (for the workers doing your remodeling, of course). —Roger L. Young

You considered buying the white polar bears for your own front yard. —Tim Templeton

You understand that the Sons of Confederate Veterans have requested confederate flags for their license tags, but you wonder if they’re not too old to be driving anyway. —Greg Denton

You’ve scanned eBay at least once for the “Nashville Cats Cheerleaders Lockerroom Tape.” —Greg Denton

You think Larry Brinton sold out. —Seth Waltenbaugh

You were lapped by a Kenyan, a Russian and a Colombian in the Country Music Marathon. —John Gouge

You still look for “Tennessee Christmas” by Amy Grant in the Baptist Hymnal. —Patti Polk

You eat at The Palm twice and expect to see your caricature on the wall. —Susan Andrews Thompson

You’ve suffered from “Roundabout Rage.” —Adam Dread

Your town’s biggest attraction is a memorial service. —Carolyn Hawkins

Your professional attire consists of five different Titans T-shirts. —Carolyn Hawkins

Your sewage treatment plant turns on the stink at 6 p.m., just in time for the ride home. —Bruce Mitchell and Donna Mobley

You’ve moved three times in the last year because you’re afraid that the RIAA is on to your KaZaA and Morpheus usage. —Chris Chamberlain

Just as Adelphia’s name was being removed from the stadium, you discovered who they were. —Donna Mobley

Your coliseum name was taken away in handcuffs. —Bruce Mitchell