After secret meetings conducted in sound-proof, subterranean chambers, once again our "committee of insiders" has accomplished the daunting task of judging the thousands upon thousands of entries in our "You Are So Nashville If..." contest. Some of the meetings were tense. Some ended in screaming fights. Some ended in uproarious laughter. But before the winner is announced, it should be noted that never in the 12 years since its inception have we seen so many entries of such high quality. We were simply astounded.
For newcomers and neophytes, a bit of explanation about our little contest is in order:
The contest simply asks readers to complete the sentence, "You Are So Nashville If...." We began it back, back, back in 1989, blatantly stealing the idea from a Richmond, Va., newspaper called Style. Each year we publicize the event, ask readers to send in their entries by e-mail or U.S. Post, and then we pick a winner.
As the years have passed, we have found these things to be true: that the contest taps into the collective unconscious of our fair city, commenting on the events of the previous year wittily, hilariously, or ruefully. Or the entries name something so universally and eternally true about what it is like to be a Nashvillian that we have to sit down for a moment after reading them, shake our heads, and say, "Yes, that is truly so Nashville." And like the greatest poetry, for a flashing instant we understand ourselves better than before.
This year's entries had the usual bumper crop of complaints about traffic along with commentary on our newfound Titans-mania and troubled police department. There were some entries that were so weird we gave them their own category. Others were so nostalgic they brought a tear to the eye.
Readers, we take our editorial hats off to you. You are the ones who make this contest great. Be proud. Enjoy. Start dreaming up your entries for next year. In the meantime...
Behold the winners.
1st place winner:
You want to vote Brad Schmitt off the island.
—Chad Tribble, Brentwood
about the winner:
The "You Are So Nashville If..." winner for 2000 is Chad Tribble, 27, originally from Clemson, S.C. A graphic designer for the Berry Co., he lives in Brentwood and has been a Nashvillian for six years now. This is Chad's first time entering the contest. He admits that he came up with the idea at the last minute, and confesses that he feels no animosity toward Brad Schmitt. In fact, he reads "Brad About You" regularly and considers it a guilty pleasure. "The great thing about winning the contest is that I no longer feel like a transplant," he says, "I feel like a true Nashvillian."
2nd place winner:
You aim for DUI Mike's picture while standing at a public urinal.
—D. Johnson, Nashville
3rd place winner:
You blame the vice president if your toilet doesn't work.
—Greg Denton, Murfreesboro
4th place winner:
You went to the Billy Graham Crusade because it was the first event held at the Adelphia Coliseum that you could actually afford to attend.
—Greg Denton, Murfreesboro
5th place winner:
You couldn't afford to buy your own house again.
—Dianne Wiles, Nashville
Honorable mentions:
You believe Brad Schmidtt probably wanted to really be a writer, once.
—Gary Wayne Davis, Nashville
You remember when you could find a good old-fashioned English-speaking hooker on Murfreesboro Road.
—Gary Wayne Davis, Nashville
You think the Mini Vinny refers to shrinkage.
—Jay Collins, Nashville
The editor of one of the weekly papers always referred to anyone successful in business as a "biz pig" and now he is one.
—J. Clark, Nashville
The attendance record at your city's new NFL stadium is set by an evangelist.
—Elizabeth Leech, Nashville
You know what the B stands for in BNA.
—Gus Kuhn, Nashville
Your police force arrests you and then takes up a collection to post your bail.
—Terry Robertson, West St. Paul, MN
You have no idea what the name of your bank is.
—Josh O'Connor, Nashville
The Rest:
Murray Philip has yelled at you.
—Roger Abramson, Nashville
You know to say "industry showcase" rather than "unpaid gig."
—Dana Delworth, Nashville
You can't figure out what the apostrophe in Bound'ry stands for.
—Shannon Detro, Nashville
You don't gossip, you share prayer requests.
—Tim Rice, Nashville
You've been shot at by a Metro police officer.
—Erin Gardner, Nashville
The top three choices for your new son's name are "Eddie," "Jevon," or "Air."
—Vincent Trocchia, Nashville
You recently bought a 48-track, state-of-the-art recording studio at a yard sale in Brentwood.
—Gary Wayne Davis, Nashville
You "get it."
—Deborah Sampson, Nashville
Your local opera company advertises that it will be performing a Gilbert and Sullivan opera "in English."
—John Goldberg, Nashville
You went to public school, but wouldn't dream of sending your child anywhere but private school.
—Cindy Sigler, Nashville
You paint racing stripes on your Yugo.
—Janet Jarzynka, Nashville
You police your police.
—Michelle Chaffin, Goodlettsville
You get thrown out of the Bluebird Cafe for snoring.
—Philip Marlowe, Nashville
You took a part-time job with the census so you could find out more about your neighbors.
—Maria Brewer, Nashville
You express political views by circling the Legislative Plaza, honking your horn.
—Greg Denton,
Murfreesboro
You buy your tools at Restoration Hardware and your furniture at Home Depot.
—Chris Chamberlain, Nashville
You want to smoke a cigarette but it's beginning to rain, so you go into the State Capitol building.
—Barbara Brand,
Brentwood
You call shotgun in a
limousine.
—Josh O'Connor, Nashville
You refer to Opry Mills as "next year's Fountain Square."
—John Yossarian, Nashville
Sometimes you secretly call the Tennessee Titans the Nashville Titans.
—Thomas Swift, Nashville
You never knew that that building behind the Classic Cat was Hume-Fogg.
—Josh Bob Marchman,
Nashville
The Scene movie reviewers give a movie a bad review, so you run to see it as fast as you can!
—Nancy Locke, Madison
You think Al Gore's a liberal.
—Kim Lass, Nashville
It was your broken heart he turned into that god-awful No. 1 country song.
—Gary Wayne Davis, Nashville
You think that Perry March is the Antichrist.
—Kate Margolin, Nashville
You found out that your income level is exempt from an income tax, and you're still against it.
—Greg Denton,
Murfreesboro
You smoke a cigarette after you exercise.
—Michael Fischer, Nashville
You still wonder what happened to all them cute little puppies.
—Carolyn Goddard, Nashville
Everything your mother told you would happen to you if you came here hasn't.
—Gary Wayne Davis, Nashville
Your vice mayor would make a good stand-in for Kelsey Grammer.
—Roger Abramson, Nashville
You think Gaylord is two words.
—Jay Collins, Nashville
You notice that your friend is driving around with four buzzers from restaurants in Cool Springs in the back of his car.
—Shelly Duryee, Nashville
Your license plate says "Williamson" county and your bumper sticker says, "I miss L.A."
—Beegie Adair, Franklin
You think the PT Cruiser is a new boat on Old Hickory Lake.
—Dianne Gregory, Nashville
You have one reason to be here, two reasons to leave, and three cuts on hold.
—Gary Wayne Davis, Nashville
You went to see Billy Graham all four nights and forgot to rededicate your life.
—Diann Gregory, Nashville
It was really difficult for you to decide between attending the Billy Graham revival and Bullnanza.
—Robin Cohn, Nashville
You keep hoping Ms. Cheap's next tip will be to cancel your subscription to The Tennessean.
—Dallas Mayberry, Nashville
You really don't have an opinion to voice on Speaker's Corner; you just want to see your face on TV.
—Thomas Swift, Nashville
Law enforcement officials provide a strong incentive to immigrants to understand the meaning of the words "drop it" by shooting the ones who don't.
—Greg Denton,
Murfreesboro
You are trying to organize an "Annual Re-enactment" of Super Bowl "99."
—Billy Buckner, Antioch
You can't wait to tour the home of Alan Jackson, but wouldn't think to tour the home of Andrew Jackson.
—Jill Tomalty, Brentwood
The police have ever shot at you.
—C. Williams, Nashville
You have ever peed outside at a Starwood concert.
—Heather Martin, Nashville
You don't eat at Noshville in the summer because it's too cold.
— Shelly Duryee, Nashville
No matter where you live, you'd never dream of moving across the river.
—Kreg Sherbine, Nashville
The prospect of bidding on Billy Ray Cyrus' ponytail whipped you into a frenzy.
—Suzanne M. Brit, Nashville
Watching Turko's commercials for Bart Durham gives you nightmares about him coming back to Nashville.
—Steven Putnam, Antioch
You drive a $500 vehicle and own a $3,000 guitar.
—Lonnie Ingram,
Hendersonville
You go to a Predators game, yell and cheer and don't have any idea what is going on.
—Judith M. Bruce, Nashville
Your Catholic newspaper advertises for the Jewish Community Center.
—Trevor Wathen, Mt. Juliet
You think that Cisco Systems is that discount food place on Charlotte.
—Bob Simon, Franklin
You wondered if that house on Woodmont was burned down for the insurance.
—Chad Pace, Nashville
A KEARSE is a good thing.
—Michelle Chaffin, Goodlettsville
You were dumbfounded by the lack of funnel cakes at Opry Mills.
—Chad Tribble, Brentwood
You have a reason to call Mayor Purcell at 3 a.m.
—Ben Whitehouse, Nashville
You sell the house to move to Pegram.
—Kim Lass, Nashville
You wish Henry Walker and David Green would kiss and make up—figuratively, of course.
—Arthur Reed, Nashville
Your police department's motto is "To protect and serve...well, except for you people."
—Virginia A. McCoy, Nashville
You thought Billy Graham's marketing campaign was clever.
—Ron Lubovich, Murfreesboro
You know whether it is FaiSON, or FAIson.
—Jennifer Prince, Nashville
Caught up in the spirit of Adelphia Coliseum, you painted your face for Billy Graham.
—Dana Delworth, Nashville
You tear down a perfectly good amusement park to build a mall, then tear down a perfectly good mall to build a library.
—Greg Denton,
Murfreesboro
You call the police about the crack dealers selling in front of your house, only to be told by the dispatcher, "Honey, you need to move, that's been going on for years."
—Cliff Allen, Nashville
You think an income tax is criminal, but you were willing to shell out several thousand dollars to a scalper for Super Bowl tickets.
—Jeanette DeMain, Nashville
You use Speakers' Corner at Fido to complain about the coffee at Starbucks.
—Scott Winchell, Nashville
You think the Scene is an alternative newspaper.
—Vickie Hopper, Nashville
You are stunned when the answer to your question "So, what brings you to Nashville?" is "I was born here."
—Shana Kohnstamm, Nashville
You hope the United Way can help out In Review.
—Philip Marlowe, Nashville
You despised the Oilers, but can't get enough of those Titans.
—Cindy Sigler, Nashville
Your relatives are buried under the governor's driveway.
—Athena Workman-Jernigan, Nashville
You are so tired of seeing restoration on the Parthenon you think it should just be vinyl-sided.
—Kendall Moore, Nashville
You're glad Channel 5 has enlightened us concerning what really happens when a bunch of drunk kids get together at spring break.
—Greg Denton,
Murfreesboro
You voted NO for the stadium but paid $1,500 for Super Bowl tickets.
—Soraya Kashani, Nashville
You know all the words to "Murder on Music Row" but own every Garth Brooks and Shania Twain CD.
—Rob Prentice, Nashville
You think that when Channel 5 hired Charlie Neese, it violated the child labor laws.
—Stacy Harris, Nashville
A tourist asks you where he can buy a can of WHOOP ASS, and you happen to know the location of that particular store downtown which actually sells it.
—Duffe van Peacock,
Hermitage
You think it's awful that chain stores like Starbucks and Home Depot are ruining "the little man," but you pay $3 for a cup of coffee and you have a Home Depot credit card.
—Heather Martin, Nashville
You think that the Battle of Nashville was fought at Adelphia Coliseum last fall.
—Bob Henderson, Nashville
You feel you've mastered the ability to drive with a cigarette in one hand and a cell phone in the other.
—Greg Denton, Murfreesboro
You've come to rely upon "The Fabricator" as your sole source of reliable news.
—Stacy Harris, Nashville
You consider it all right to cram Mexican migrant workers into the back of a hot truck as long as they don't have any puppies with them.
—Greg Denton,
Murfreesboro
You've ever invited friends over to co-write.
—David Kirkpatrick, Nashville
You really don't care what Vince and Amy are doing.
—Vicky Marion, Nashville
Half of last year's salary went to "DUI Mike."
—Jason Heckler, Clarksville
You can eat at a meat-and-three without ordering a single vegetable.
—Erin Gardner, Nashville
"Three yards and a cloud of dust is the motto of your football team...and your Department of Transportation."
—John Goldberg, Nashville
You wish Tammy Wynette's kids would shut the hell up.
—C. Williams, Nashville
Last year you dug up your mother...this year you're trying to bury your stepfather.
—Michelle Chaffin, Goodlettsville
Your church has a cooler height restriction.
—Chris Bauer, Nashville
You call yourself a songwriter but really make more money selling stuff on eBay.
—Dan Brawner, Nashville
You've noticed the Watson's girl isn't wearing two piece bikinis like she used to.
—Thomas Swift, Nashville
You clapped at church and felt guilty all week.
—Kevin Penney, Nashville
Your name is Brad and you have a column in the daily newspaper, which is solely designed for you to get dates with celebrity women. Mazel Tov.
—Tim Weeks, Nashville
You wonder why folks won't leave that poor John Rocker alone.
—Emmi Harward, Nashville
You know more about Perry March than you do about your neighbors.
—Mark Carnes, Franklin
You get a cassingle with your Sunday paper.
—Jimmy Stratton, Nashville
You're not really sure what the difference is between WDCN-Channel 8 and NPT.
—Erin Gardner, Nashville
You read "You Were Scene" every week and wonder why no one ever sees you.
—Emmi Harward, Nashville
You think Dell stands for Didn't Employ Lots of Locals.
—Stephanie Shirley, Nashville
You don't miss the "Hee," but you do miss the "Haw."
—Dan Brawner, Nashville
You suddenly miss Jeff Pearlman.
—Stacy Harris, Nashville
You know the differences between Storm Tracker 2000, Skymax Live, Weather Radar, and SkyTracker 5.
—Stacey Smith, Nashville
You've ever written a check to Central Parking for $1.50.
—Debbie Emory, Hermitage
Your "first" guitar came from a pawnshop on Lower Broad and your "last" guitar ended up on the Internet.
—Gary Wayne Davis, Nashville
This is your résumé: US congressman, mayor, trucking-pallet builder, TV talk-show host, property assessor, candidate for state representative, yellow pages deliveryman, high school teacher.
—Ben Whitehouse, Nashville
You've been ousted from Metro guvmint by Mayor Purcell.
—Dianne Wiles, Nashville
You're worried that Bud Adams' hairpiece is going to attack somebody.
—Philip Marlowe, Nashville
Your police force kills more people than the "common criminals" do.
—Robin Cohn, Nashville
You just don't understand how someone could be found NOT COMPETENT to be put to death.
—Heather Day, Nashville
Your rock band has a mandolin player.
—Beverly Burke, Murfreesboro
You think Gay Pride is a relative of Charley's.
—Ginger Pahl, Greenbrier
You never noticed that all of the "Best of Nashville" winners are one block from Vanderbilt.
—Rachel Nance, Nashville
Every one of your YASNI entries has something to do with traffic.
—Roger Abramson, Nashville
Your alternative newsweekly endorsed Don Sundquist.
—Joseph Neal, Nashville
You are against the death penalty, but think that Coe got what he deserved.
—Cindy Sigler, Nashville
You have to submit a demo just to sing with your church choir.
—Ann Street, Nashville
You work at Tower Records and tell all your friends that you're in the music entertainment business.
—Thomas Swift, Nashville
You believe your daughter when she got back from spring break in New Orleans and said she got all those beads for flashing her smile.
—Murray Philip, Madison
You've been dying to do a "donut" where they're widening Demonbreun.
—Roger Abramson, Nashville
You go out to eat after church and leave the server a measley $2 tip after treating him/her with anything but God's Love.
—Tim Rice, Nashville
You think George Jones wrecked on purpose to promote his song, "Choices."
—Beverly Burke, Murfreesboro
You'd be willing to buy a PSL for a urinal at Adelphia.
—Philip Marlowe, Nashville
You were heartbroken when Catherine Darnell of The Tennessean stopped writing about Buffy.
—Cindy Sigler, Nashville
All of your e-mail jokes you've been sending lately to friends at J.C. Bradford are coming back "undeliverable."
—Adam Dread, Nashville
You feel so much younger now that you are carded at Kroger.
—Stacy Harris, Nashville
You enter a contest in the weekly paper that competes with the one you write for.
—Adam Dread, Nashville
You've ever wondered if the same Ethiopian guy works at all the outdoor parking lots downtown.
—Chris Chamberlain, Nashville
You fantasize about sending a few Mensa applications to our honorable state Legislature, for shits & giggles.
—J. Brad Hardin, Knoxville
You wave to Mr. Happy even though he doesn't wave back anymore.
—Jessica Boudinot, Nashville
You would pay extra to go to the George Jones Driving Academy.
—Sharolyn Anderson, Madison
In Review owes you money.
—Chris Chamberlain, Nashville
You (have to) kidnap your grandchildren.
—Michelle Chaffin, Goodlettsville
You dread Dread.
—Elek Horvath, Nashville
You carry your business cards in your Bible.
—Todd Adams, Nashville
You are over age 35 and still wear your MBA high school ring.
—A.E. Biter, Nashville
You write about major issues affecting the state of Tennessee while living 1,000 miles away.
—Roger Abramson, Nashville
You opt for the "cashier" line at Kroger because the morons in front of you can't figure out how to use the "U-Scan."
—Jeannie Propst, Nashville
You think Opry Mills is a textile factory.
—Dianne Gregory, Nashville
You think Ashley Webster talks like a damn Yankee.
—C. Williams, Nashville
You purchase an old church and convert it into a porn store.
—Michael Bransfield, Nashville
You use "Demetry" as a verb, as in, "Nancy Vancamp used to be so cute before she Demetri'ated up her hair that way."
—Tim Taylor,
Hendersonville
You think the Country Music Marathon has a pace car.
—Sarah Johnson, Syracuse, NY
You lose your coveted PSL in a divorce trial.
—Ben Whitehouse, Nashville
You are the commercial girl for H.G. Hill's, but you are seen habitually shopping at the Corner Market.
—Hallie Anderson, Nashville
You've ever used a champagne flute as a biscuit cutter.
—Bryan Curtis, Nashville
You go to Opry Mills just to whip your kids.
—Tim Templeton, Nashville
You wonder if you've been here longer than the judges of this contest.
—Mia Adams, Nashville
You've already planned to audition for The Perry March Murders TV movie.
—James Barry, Nashville
You don't take the kids on vacation so you can buy PSLs.
—Heather Martin, Nashville
You only eat Chinese food from a buffet.
—John Yossarian, Nashville
For $500 you would go to Mexico and "take care of" Perry March.
—John Yossarian, Nashville
You can't figure out why the Belle Meade Kroger isn't nicer.
—Bill Renfrew, Nashville
You're disappointed Opry Mills does not have an Applebee's.
—Ruth Stewart, Nashville
The only place you've ever been on Jefferson Street is the Farmers Market.
— Arthur Reed, Nashville
At any time you have accidentally tried to purchase gas or items from a department store by using your Kroger card.
—Thomas Swift, Nashville
You're the one who reads The Tennessean's novel serializations.
—Stacy Harris, Nashville
You think MP3s are bad for the music industry but don't even know how to download them.
—Brian Siskind, Nashville
You have fond memories involving the thrill of a speeding car, much drunken laughter, wind in your face, a Louisville Slugger, and an approaching mailbox.
—Dan Brawner, Nashville
You would like the HOV lane changed to an SUV lane.
—John Yossarian, Nashville
You win the lottery but still show up for work the next day.
—Greg Denton,
Murfreesboro
Your idea of an Italian festival is a few carnival rides and one spaghetti booth.
—Vincent Trocchia, Nashville
You know where Vince and Amy registered.
—Thomas Horton, Nashville
You went to TPAC to see Die Fledermaus because you thought it was a new Bruce Willis movie.
—Chris Bauer, Nashville
You classify every radar echo as having "rotation" and "possible hail."
—Keith Spadafino, Nashville
You think Survivor could be filmed in the Opryland Hotel.
—Stacy Smith, Nashville
You gave up yoga and incense for Billy Graham.
—Mike McAlister, Nashville
You strapped your pet dog into the child seat to be able to drive in the HOV lane.
—Richard Scott, Whitehouse
You are under investigation by the Scene.
—Robert Saunders, Nashville
You have Nashville friends that you only see in Destin.
—Susan Houston, Brentwood
You read The Tennessean because "it's just easier."
—Clay Bailey, Nashville
Peaches and Irby aren't singing "Reunited."
—Michelle Chaffin, Goodlettsville
You went to your therapist's CD release party last week.
—Maria Brewer, Nashville
You've been lapped by Matt Pulle at Percy Warner Park.
—Roger Abramson, Nashville
You think Chris Ferrell looks a lot like that dude on
Dawson's Creek.
—Roger Abramson, Nashville
You are having second thoughts about this Purcell fellow.
—Arthur Reed, Nashville
DUI Mike is your family lawyer.
—Roger Abramson, Nashville
You think that Titans owner Bud Adams has the best mullet in town.
—Marc Jenkins, Brentwood
You're still asking, "When is Summer Lights?"
—Thomas Swift, Nashville
You enjoyed night court more before they put in the glass booths.
—Arthur Reed, Nashville
The only two things you yell at Predators games are "shoot" and "fight."
—Philip Marlowe, Nashville
You think Al Gore can give charisma lessons to Bill Purcell.
—Jim Burge,
Murfreesboro
You're too good to go to the Melrose Kroger.
—Shannon Detro, Nashville
You had a co-writer on your entry.
—Bruce Rutherford,
Hendersonville
You asked yourself "WWJD?" before deciding against displaying the Scene's swimsuit edition on your coffee table.
—Chad Tribble,
Brentwood
You wonder why the good Lord took Jerry Thompson and left us with Catherine Darnell.
—Rosemarie Jordan, Whites Creek
You still get Catherine Darnell and Brad Schmitt confused.
—Heather Day, Nashville
You're the one spreading the rumor that Larry Brinton is taking Spanish lessons.
—Stacy Harris, Nashville
You wish Ms. Cheap would spring for a decent haircut.
—Pam Orlando, Nashville
You refer to Brentwood as Pagong and to Franklin as Tagi.
—Marsha Britton, Old Hickory
You can say, "Oh yeah, the mayor lives on our side of town," again without embarrassment.
—Dana Delworth, Nashville
You know all the guys who work in the metropolitan chipper service by name.
—Rosemarie Jordan, Whites Creek
You think Fred Thompson got a hell of a lot more work done in Hollywood than he has ever gotten done in Washington.
—Gary Wayne Davis, Nashville
The Weirdies:
Some of the entries we receive every year are streams of consciousness, some are streams of unconsciousness, and some seem to have been written in a state of semi-consciousness. We don't claim to understand all these entries, though some of them make a higher sense. One thing is clear, though: They deserve a category all their own.
You tried to unstop a drain using a cherry bomb.
You believe that a Dell computer screen has a real live (but not a virtual image) farmer in the middle of it with a banjo on his knee.
You find out you've lost your road gig from the bus driver at a golf tournament. (This really happened.)
At least the cats have rhythm.
Your friends compliment you on "making the scanner" when you run over an orange barrel on the windiest day of the year. True story.
You've seen at least one member of the Grand Ole Opry so drunk they threw up in front of you.
You are "full of beans"—the baked beans—and "full of bounce and benevolence, too" (a little Starbucks, too).
You get drunk at the Wildhorse Saloon and hold a conversation with a horse statue in the saloon.
Someone with the same name as yours appeared in the obits section of the newspapers and all your friends went to the funeral home only to realize it was not you (true story).
You live in Tennis.e. (This is according to our Governor.)
You realize Elian's picture is on your milk carton.
So far, this millennium has been about as boring as the last.
The last time that streaking was popular you were too modest to participate. Now you're just too old.
You read Frank Sutherland's "Wine in Nashville" column as anything other than a parody. (I am a subscriber, my guest from Boston commented on Frank, et al, on her visit here in December.)
You blame your past drug addiction and alcoholism on your years spent in the music business, not on your dysfunctional family who abused and abandoned you.
In the trunk of your new "pre-owned" Mercedes that formerly belonged to Clay Walker, you found two guitar picks, an empty NyQuil bottle, a torn shower curtain, two well-worn copies of
Playgirl magazine, a receipt for three packages of cracker baloney, and a personally autographed, full-color 8x10 photograph of Kenny Chesney.
You think going to the edge and back means looking off Lookout Mountain (Pizza Hut commercial).
At your "Fan Fair" convention year 2001, the participants will exclaim "More hospitable! Yet less historical?" Hope Lee Ann Rimes will wear a paperweight blue gown to change their opinion.
You have ever been to a big-boned-of-course-I'm-a-real-blonde-girls-night-in-the-round at the Bluebird, co-sponsored by: (you pick the lost cause or 12-step program).
From your newly acquired Belle Meade abode that you share with your gay hairdresser/boyfriend, you can sometimes still hear the laughter of your friends and family back home when you told them you were moving to Nashville to become an interior designer.
You lamented the Belcourt's closing, but you never went to the films. (Now's your chance to redeem yourself! Put your butt where your mouth is! No, wait! That came out wrong.)
In an ad for aid to travelers, you publish your new address as an old unlisted landmark with no actual street address listed ("The old Sears Building"), ad attached.
You aren't pregnant but you park in "Expecting Mothers Only" parking spaces because you think whoever thought of that one is INSANE.
A bunch of elderly women get arrested by an undercover cop on a bus coming back from Kentucky for playing Instant Bingo in Tennessee state lines.
You think "The Flying Dutchman" is the Realtor the local print media credits "for almost single-handedly saving 12th South" with his Teletubby purple buildings.
You take advantage of the lockable handicap bathroom at Adelphia to sneak a toke from your one-hitter during the third quarter.
You realize that the only hills in Green Hills are found on any given day in the workout room at the Y!
X, cocaine, pot are all readily available from any number of acquaintances, but none of those acquaintances actually know any drug dealers; they're just good folks who will do anything for a friend!
Your wife's Bible study is meeting in the living room while you and your buddies are taking bong hits in the garage.
You've interviewed for a job after being misled about the nature of the work by the employees at Vector Marketing.
Your clothes say "Bakersfield, CA" but your heart says "Orange Co., N.J."
You are surprised that The Tennessean's reader/editor is being muzzled.
You think that Tim McGraw's becoming a convicted felon would make for a great PSA along the lines of "Get out and vote—'cause they won't ever let me cast a ballot—or run for office, for that matter! Hell, I'm one of the young guns of country music, but now I can't buy a firearm either."
You know where 21th street is. Seriously there is a street sign on the one-way behind the IHOP that says 21th street instead of 21st.
You walk around in the heart of the dirty South, and collusively whisper to your other pathetic losers within the "recording industry."
You have the pleasure of walking into an establishment, sitting down and rubbing elbows with the city's finest. But when it comes right down to it, being able to enjoy anything from true gospel to the blues with fine food or, as I know it, grub. Nash is a place that so very few aspiring artists ever get the chance to experience. I bought my 8-year old daughter a CD of Lynyrd Skynyrd yesterday and told her to listen to the words and to the music. Most musicians don't get the chance to go to Music City so some never get the chance to experience the meaning of music. So, the answer to your question: You have heard the words and the music. If you don't have the words, you won't feel the music.
You really came to this Web site because you wanna get someone to get your name because you wanna sing so bad that you can taste it. Also, if you are not anywhere close to Nashville. You live in Mississippi but you want to sing so bad that you will just go to search engines and whatever it sends you to, you go to that Web site.
You drive in the back way to Opry Mills and realize you are parking next to some sad remnant of what used to be the "Grizzly River Rampage" and start to cry, "WHY?!"
You join the fire department because you keep getting drunk and starting fires.
You smile when the sky is gray, help another on a hectic day. If you take time to teach a child, and the music here makes you a little wild. If your family has room for that stranger in need, then I would say you're very Nashville indeed.
When you hear a tourist say "Parthenon," your first thought is your electro-shock treatment at "Parthenon Pavilion."
You can laugh at yourself, and have Goo-Goo's on your shelf. If you don't mind getting dirty, and you're still a kid when you're 30. You see the Titans when you dream, and all the road work makes you scream. Then you're on the right track, so pat yourself on the back. If you've got a winning smile, and always do it with style, then who else could you be, except someone from Tennessee. And if the Nashville Scene is your No. 1 source, for all the hot topics and news, of course, You Are So Nashville—that much we know. So go on baby—you'll steal the show.
Your TV news crew makes gay porn in city parks.
You have a strong belief that one person can still make a difference in this crazy world. If you have a song in your heart even though there's a tear in your eye. You take the time to touch someone's life even though sometimes it seems like yours is out of control. I know that you're Nashville if this is true, because someone touched my life in this way. I was lost and alone, and a very special person opened my eyes to a whole new world. He gave me hope, love, and a family, things I never thought I'd have. I know what a true Nashvillian is, because I had the honor of marrying one, and I'll never be alone again.
You think Mayor Purcell looks remarkably like a younger Geppetto. (The metaphorical ramifications warm the heart.)
Your favorite word ain't even a word.
You pass gas while in public and pretend it wasn't you.
You call in anonymous threats to your apartment complex.
You begin every morning cursing the traffic, not realizing that you are by yourself in a car built for four. If you want to strangle the next person who asks you how much you love country music when you are out of town. If you truly believe that there is a gold record detailing the millions of albums you sold waiting for you. If any or all of these is you: CONGRATULATIONS, YOU ARE SO NASHVILLE!
The Albies:
Nostalgic but not too sentimental, the Albies came into being several years ago, when former Scene publisher Albie Del Favero begged us to include entries that recalled the good old days in Nashville—when the only building in the skyline was the L&C Tower, when horse-drawn buggies delivered belles to the ball, when kids hung out at the Hippodrome, and Compton's was still on Blair. Ah, those were the days.
You know it's so because Harold Shyer said it's so.
—Ed Buchman, Nashville
You have fuzzy but fond memories of Cantrell's.
—Charleen Bethart, Nashville
You can accurately match Jeannie Seely, Jeannie C. Riley, and Jeanne Pruett to "Satin Sheets," "Don't Touch Me," and "Harper Valley PTA."
—Ron Harman, Hermitage
You still blow your horn in the Thompson Lane tunnel.
—Devonne Johnson, Mt. Juliet
You appreciate the natural beauty of the rolling hills, love country music, support pro sports and can identify names and faces of popular Predators and Titans, drive a truck or a sport utility vehicle, drink sweet tea, proudly claim the South and your Southern accent.
—Charlotte Hinson, Nashville
You have a song in your heart and music on your mind.
—Tangerine Zielinski, Nashville
Your Christmas menu contains 1. oyster stew; 2. coconut cake (fresh coconut); 3. boiled custard; 4. spiced round.
—Maxine Morton, Nashville
You ever checked your watch for accuracy by the large, flashing, neon Coca-Cola sign at the fork of Broad and Division.
—Ed Buchman, Nashville
You listen to Coyote McCloud playing oldies on the radio and remember hearing them as a teenager when he played them the first time around.
—Diana Bracy, Arrington
You think you are so Nashville, but you never heard of Fair Park.
—Jeff Collins, Nashville
Leaving broke your heart.
—Kevin Warren, Silver Spring, Md.
You help everyone.
—Suchart Yammen, Nashville
You can whistle "The Great Speckled Bird" and yo-yo at the same time.
—Joy Jamison, Hardy, Va.
You tune in to a musical tribute to mother and expect Eddie Stubbs to play your request: "Fat-Fat-Fat! Mom-Mi-O" by The Chalets.
—Robert Buck Erianne, Nashville
You still listen to Ernest Tubb and Hank Williams records.
—Penny Preston, Hendersonville
You remember your grandmother pronouncing the name of the department store "Cain Sloan" with an extra syllable: "Cain Sa-loan."
—Tom Hirsbrunner, Lansing, Mich.
You wake up Monday mornings and find out the flick playing Tuesdays at Centennial, the bands at the river on Thursday (while you tell yourself that you will not stay out late again on Thursday night), look forward to another Saturday night spent grooving down to Johny Jackson's Soul Satisfaction, and when you wake up Sunday wish it could always be the fall so the Titans would be on TV.
—Brad Shepard, Hermitage
You miss the Banner.
—Brent Andrews,
Couer D'Alene, Idaho
You never miss Octoberfest, love Centennial Park, hated the way Broad St. used to be, miss the downtown department stores—Cain Sloan, Castner's, Harvey's—miss the Malt Shop in the Arcade and the fragrance of the peanut store.
—Jo Ann McWilliams, Dickson
You liked the way you looked in the tall mirror at Harvey's Monkey Bar.
—Arthur Reed, Nashville
You have actually known the Elliston Place Soda Shop's Jean Stevenson since the day you were born, and will truly miss her now that she has retired.
—Alan Wiseman, Nashville
You remember the Alamo.
—Fran Zipper, Goodlettsville
Even though it is now a major city, Nashville still has a lot of small town character.
—Keith Todd, Paducah, Ky.
You remember getting very excited as a child about buying meat at Johnson's market because the nice man always gave you a sample of bologna.
—Ed Buchman, Nashville
You ever got yelled at for ordering a "Krystal" at Billie's Burgers on Church Street.
—Ed Buchman, Nashville
You're crushed by the loss of Acme Feed Supply.
—Mia Adams, Nashville
You recall when there used to be good dining along 70 South. Clams at Lum's; chili-cheese dogs at Ford Musgrove; spaghetti at Varallo's; shakes at Moon's; cheeseburgers at the Highway Pup; steaks and corncakes at Jimmy Kelley's; a couple over easy at Tiny Tim's; sundaes at Candyland; even a Waffle House. And if you were a little lost late Saturday night, tater tots at the Campus Grill. (You know Roxy is in Waitress Heaven for not suffering us fools lightly.) Seared anchovies with a mocha-fennel lobster vinaigrette over angel hair. PHHHHT!
—Arthur Reed, Nashville
You love life, people, music, children, sunshine, raindrops, the whole world, and lots of smiles.
—Betty Boyce, Depford, N.J.
When I was little, Belle Meade Country Club golf caddies would come to our house by the carload on Christmas morning. Although moaning that they came during breakfast and he didn't recognize some of them as caddies anyway, my dad gave them each a half dollar and a King Leo peppermint stick. My aunt on the other hand taped a 50-cent piece to the back of a 50cc medicine bottle filled with gin. I've always thought that she had the better holiday spirit.
—Arthur Reed, Nashville
You want to keep the Compton's building on 21st Ave. because you can remember going there as a kid and buying RC Colas for 15 cents each.
—Alan Wiseman, Nashville
You're grandfather had his hair cut at Belle Meade Barbershop too.
—Arthur Reed, Nashville
Elmore Hill ever played a practical joke on you.
—Arthur Reed, Nashville
You long for Mrs. Hicks' biscuits and caramel cake.
—Arthur Reed, Nashville
You cried when they stopped restocking the shelves at the Compton's at 21st and Blair.
—Charleen Bethart, Nashville
