YOU ARE SO NASHVILLE IF...

This year, the Nashville Scene's annual "You Are So Nashville If ..." contest turns 21 years old. Typically, 21 is a milestone — and not just because you can finally order the beers you've been drinking on the sly since, oh, about seven YASNI issues back. Many consider it an age that fosters maturity, that occasions sober thoughts about putting childish things behind us to focus on what lies ahead.

And so it is — just not here.

No, the YASNI contest remains just as rowdy, reckless and foolhardy as the day it was born. The rules are simple: You fill in the blank after "You are so Nashville if ...," and a panel of our esteemed writers (i.e., whoever couldn't get out the door fast enough) sorts through the hundreds of competing ballots.

Sometimes it's an occasion for nostalgia and camaraderie, which the Great Flood seemed to bring out this year (Floodies). Sometimes it's a forum just for folks to shake their heads and marvel at our city's quirks and foibles — the way you might regard the cousin you caught putting ranch dressing on your potpourri. (The oddest, orneriest ones we received — the time-honored Weirdies — are commemorated here.) Most often, it's a steam valve that allows the whole city to vent.

The surprise this year, though, was the variety and precision of the entries. Put it another way: We've had funnier crops of YASNIs before, but few that homed in on such a broad range of civic concerns, or that viewed the city with such sharp eyes. Sure, we got the expected gusher of flood submissions, with everything from Anderson Cooper and Ghost Ballet to Snowbird and Opry Mills getting swept along in the deluge. (Thank you, YASNI participants, for making sure the Weather Penis will not be lost to posterity.)

But oh, there's so much more. Your trash got humped, your police chief jumped, Ke$ha bumped. You got unruly with Dale Chihuly and made a course for the Gores' divorce. Somebody out there, we swear, thinks our city's hottest export of recent years resembles a rodent. And yes, as always, you shared the pain with the Scene and its fellow SouthComm publications.

So turn off the WetVac, cozy up with a Yazoo growler, and luxuriate in the multifaceted splendor of our city's discontent. May our wits keep us sane. And now, for those of you playing at home, here's the cue to complete this sentence: "You are so Nashville if ..."

The Winners

1st: "Your city flooded and all you got was a lousy T-shirt."

David Anthony

2nd place. "FEMA bailed out your Tea Party ass."

Bruce Arntson

3rd place. "you were surprised that the e-mail announcing the Gore's divorce didn't come with a Parental Advisory label."

Wando Weaver

honorable mention: "You think Chihuly is a new menu item at Taco Bell."

(tie) Mark Reddick

Peter Dinkel

Michele Totty

honorable mention: "you saw Al Gore at a 2Live Crew concert after his split with Tipper"

Heath and Jason Hinson

This Year's Winner

David Anthony was nervous about hitting send on his winning YASNI entry, not quite sure which side of the line between funny and inappropriate he was standing on. "People lost houses and died in the flood," says the 35-year-old bankruptcy lawyer. "You don't want to make fun of that." But Anthony did want to poke a little at the way some folks chose to aid the flood victims.

"It was definitely awesome that people were volunteering and giving money, but the T-shirts were just weird," he says. Once the writer of a now-defunct blog called Thursday Night Fever, devoted, he says, to "nightlife and complaining," Anthony lives in Hillsboro Village, an area relatively unaffected by floodwaters. So he gave money, volunteered and even bought two of the commemorative T-shirts circulating — the one with the slogan "We Are Nashville," and the one with the umbrella on it. He couldn't bring himself to wear either of them.

When he sat down to take a stab at YASNI for his second consecutive effort, he thought over noteworthy events that stood out over the last year. One was the influx of oldies tribute shows that seemed to be going on all the time, an entry that didn't make the cut. (That one didn't have the panache, he says.) The other was, of course, the flood T-shirts.

"It was short and concise, and played on a concept everybody knows," Anthony surmises. "I do want to say, though, I think the people with the T-shirts meant well. It just seems goofy. It's like wearing a concert T-shirt from a natural disaster." TRACY MOORE

The Contenders

You didn't give your elementary school students textbooks until a judge ordered you to.

Meredith Hunter

You learned the hard way not to incorporate the word "blackface" in your headline.

Meredith Hunter

You decided to eschew Sparrow or Ikhyd for your baby's name and went with something REALLY unique: Cash.

Meredith Hunter

You include the universities you attended as well as the degrees you earned from them on a billboard for your dance gala.

Lew Moore

Every weather-related event that happens around your town gets its own #hashtag.

Joel Bezaire

You were bought out by SouthComm this year.

Ilissa Gold

All your shows to raise money for fellow musicians' medical bills have been changed to flood relief shows.

Michael Harrell

Your local NBC affiliate thinks you should watch The 700 Club rather than hockey.

Ilissa Gold

The City Paper thinks you're too ambitious and confrontational.

Ilissa Gold

All of your city's "alternative" papers are owned by the same large conglomerate. Ilissa Gold

You now feel kind of bad for flipping off Chely Wright in traffic that one time.

Ilissa Gold

You think 2010's version should be called "WE ARE so NASHVILLE if..."

Zack Bennett

You tell your kids, "When I was your age, Bob Mueller looked just like ... well, that."

Zack Bennett

You know better than to buy a house on a cove, bend or plantation.

Wando Weaver

You're not sure where you stand on the healthcare debate, but were outraged when the Donut Den was forced to take its sign down.

Ilissa Gold

You came out of the closet on the day of the flood and was surprised that nobody noticed.

Zack Bennett

Your chief of police voluntarily leaves for New Orleans, the 2008 murder capital of the United States.

Stephen Yeargin

You actually think the state government actually has more authority than the federal government.

Mitch

You were more worried about your guitars than your kids during the flood.

Alyson McAnally

Your local park fines you for jogging or walking your dog, but is OK with your AK-47.

Bruce Arntson

You only performed flood rescues because it was a chance to break out the boat before Memorial Day.

Zack Bennett

You heard the Opry House was 5 feet underwater, and your first thought was: "Oh my God ... I hope Little Jimmy Dickens got out."

Zack Bennett

You protested against losing the State Fair, but you hadn't been since 1984.

Zack Bennett

You left the Kia place without seeing that guy.

Zack Bennett

You would've looted but just didn't want to deal with Cool Springs' traffic or finding a parking spot at Opry Mills.

Roy Moore

You can rhyme Omohundro.

Wando Weaver

You want to show @keshasuxx where your dick's at.

Wando Weaver

You've have been placing bets with your friends about who can sing better, Taylor Swift or a frog dressed in a bow tie.

Nick Barnes

You used to work for Gaylord.

Wando Weaver

Two of your sock puppets got in a fight over Mary Mancini in the Pith in the Wind comments.

Meredith Hunter

You're starting to realize that making fun of John Rich and Kanye is kind of like shooting fish in a barrel ... but what the hell.

Meredith Hunter

You were delighted to see Snowbird in May.

Wando Weaver

Your vote for governor ends up a choice between beer and gas.

Ken Lass

In future years your least favorite holiday will be "Sinkhole de Mayo."

Ken Lass

You kick yourself for never having gone on that Saturn plant tour.

Ken Lass

You protest against the feds at a Tea Party rally while waiting on your FEMA check.

Ken Lass

You hope Tipper gets her fair share of the Nobel Prize money.

Ken Lass

When you heard that the Biscuit Lady had died, you took solace in the thought that some day she would probably rise again.

Peter Dinkel

You've discovered where the sidewalk ends ... it's where you've just screwed up the front end of your vehicle driving to Melrose Billards.

Heather Lose

You know the REAL Big Kenny, who is in no way associated with anyone named Rich.

Heather Lose

Your drummer gets up before your Juvenile Court clerk does.

Ryan Seiberling

You need a carry permit to defend yourself against joggers on Belle Meade Boulevard.

Bill Mason

You believe that the fact that the floods concentrated on Bellevue is proof positive that even God doesn't want Vic Lineweaver or Eric Crafton to be Juvenile Court Clerk.

Adam Dread

You wonder if there is some guy whose full-time job is to crash into the stone "Welcome to Hillsboro Village" sign on 21st Avenue.

Adam Dread

You think that although they've earned it, the City of Brentwood should probably not bill themselves as "The Ponzi capital of the world!"

Barry McKochiner

You secretly hope that Al Gore is really leaving Tipper for Ke$ha.

Jared Coffin

Your mayor will spend $635 million on a convention center, but not 79 cents on a comb.

Zack Bennett

All of your YASNI entries have something to do with the Great Flood of 2010.

Tara

You STILL haven't figured out that if you're a fairly public person and you send an email comparing the First Lady to a chimp, it won't stay private.

Meredith Hunter

You certainly won't be coming out to John Rich anytime soon.

Meredith Hunter

You are torn between calling the cops or offering a flashlight to a trash-humping old fart.

Alex Perez

You looooooove the gays, as long as they don't marry, don't adopt children, don't show any affection in public, don't have sex, and don't wear T-shirts that idolize Lady Gaga.

Alex Perez

You dragged your ass to Riverfront Park for the first time in years, just because it flooded.

Alex Perez

You talk shit about the liberal rags such as the Nashville Scene and The Tennessean but you do not miss reading an issue.

Alex Perez

You thought Chihuly was one of those Nashville drag queens.

Alex Perez

You belive a loaded gun is all that stands between you and the dangerous gangs that hang out at O'Charleys.

Rob Moore

An usher at the Ryman has threatened your life for taking a picture.

Chris Thomas

You think that the term "Van der Sloot" is Dutch for "Perry March."

Barry McKochiner

For the first time ever, you really didn't mind all the tourists coming to town for CMA Fest.

Zack Bennett

You wonder what exactly is in that folder Zach Wamp keeps holding up.

Ken Lass

You know the best place to end a friendship is the Buddy Killen Circle.

Spencer Scharf

You've been thrown out of the Whiskey Kitchen because the Kings of Leon were throwing a "private" party, er, uh, in public.

Em

You're trading in your Vespa for a gondola.

Mike Dorr

You built the world's largest replica of Mr. Coffee on Love Hill.

Mike Dorr

You have a cheat sheet on the dashboard of your car that converts miles per hour to knots.

Brad Gould

You wonder if some of the people selling $1 newspapers on street corners are former Tennessean employees.

Amanda Eckard

You are the Snooki of Nashville Shores.

Bret Moran

You've ever wondered if Dr. Ming Wang is actually building an evil empire complete with a secret, underground, high-tech lair and powerful laser weaponry that someday James Bond will be sent to destroy.

Locke Sandahl

You've ever considered turning your recording studio into a garage.

Locke Sandahl

You wonder if Bill Cosby sent Rudy Kalis all of his old sweaters.

Locke Sandahl

You used to complain about living on a hill.

Locke Sandahl

You don't question why the only place members of state government do not want people carrying guns is where members of state government work.

Rob Moore

You have more songs on Grey's Anatomy than tour dates.

Troy Akers

Your worship pastor's haircut looks strangely like Kate Gosselin's.

Troy Akers

You have to lift your legislators skirts to see if they are a woman.

Jimmy Stratton

You can't tell if you're at a gay bar or a Christian music industry party.

Kevin C

You played a flood benefit show with borrowed gear cause yours was lost in the flood, and your friends still asked you if could put them on the guest list.

Kevin Cuchia

You take 24 West to get to East Nashville, which is really north of the city.

Trish Crist

If you were confused when the news reported that the flood displaced the homeless. I mean, isn't that technically impossible?

Barry McKochiner

Your wife is borrowing your flask to sneak into the CMA Festival while you're headed to Bonnaroo to do mushrooms with your teenage son.

David Hunt

You've sued your church over songwriting royalties.

Sean Williams

You long for the days when only Pacman Jones made it rain.

Sharon Felton

You get really upset about illegal immigration, but forgive your pastor for cutting an old lady's throat.

Sean Williams

You'd rather have had the car bomb instead.

Terry Robertson

You trade in whatever critical thinking skills you may have had for a Paul Revere hat and a bullhorn.

Andy Logan

You think banning prayer in public schools is a sin, but it's okay to not feed your horses.

Andy Logan

You use your own tragedy to make unfair and absurd comparisons to the suffering of Katrina survivors.

Tim Wise

You think it's wrong for musicians to criticize the president, unless their names are Ted Nugent or Charlie Daniels.

Tim Wise

Your money is on the middle-aged white guy who's running for governor.

Chad Johnson

You'd deport Jesus.

Michael Williams

You wish all those CMA Festival goers could just mail in their tourism dollars, and we could just mail them a pink cowboy hat.

Larry Mell Morgan

You know the water restrictions are over, but you just really started to enjoy baby-powdering your junk.

Larry Mell Morgan

You think it's in the best interest of Dean Shortland's career for him to just be Tex Rambuctious permanently.

Larry Mell Morgan

You totally intended to protest the hateful and homophobic rants and rhetoric of the Westboro Baptist Church folks, but it was Sunday morning, so you totally slept through it.

Larry Mell Morgan

You think Maytown is a new country band.

Mark Rothschild

You're convinced natural disasters follow Ron Serpas.

Mark Rothschild

Your band has to win a contest to get a slot at Bonnaroo.

Bingham Barnes

You feel disgusting after wading through the Scene's extensive coverage of Bonnaroo.

Tiffany

You think Kyle Busch was working for the FBI Gibson Guitar Sting.

Chad E. Hardy

You try to make your flask look like a gun so you can bring it more places.

Lisa

You googled "How tall is Alex Trebek?" after seeing him stand next to J. R. Lind.

Meredith Hunter

You've really grown fond of the Nashville Weather Penis.

Kate O'Neill

You used your FEMA check to buy Paul McCartney tickets.

Heath and Jason Hinson

A tourist had to tell you about the free Music City Circuit.

Heath and Jason Hinson

Lee Beaman offered you a complimentary three-night stay in Tent City with the purchase of a used Toyota.

Heath and Jason Hinson

You miss being able to buy crack after filling your growler at Yazoo.

Heath and Jason Hinson

You think one neighborhood association per neighborhood is enough.

Heath and Jason Hinson

You think the 2010 Flood was God's punishment for striking down Bible Park USA.

Adam Mayfield

You've started a Facebook campaign for Larry Brinton to host Saturday Night Live.

Adam Mayfield

You've started a Facebook campaign for Brenda Lee to host Saturday Night Live.

Adam Mayfield

You placed fourth in your age group at the marathon, but finished second in the wet T-shirt contest.

Heath and Jason Hinson

You sold your house for 28 million dollars and still lost money on it.

Steve Williams

You yelled with fake recognition after the first chord of every obscure song played by Neil Young at the Ryman.

Heath and Jason Hinson

While walking into Miel, you tossed your keys to a Krystal employee, thinking he was the valet.

Heath and Jason Hinson

You've run out of cheesy '80s bands to book at the Wildhorse.

Heath and Jason Hinson

Your FEMA check was more than your royalty check.

Mina Kashani

When your minister mentions Faith, you think, "and Tim."

Steve Williams

You wonder if Tipper will get alimony or carbon credits.

Michele Totty

You're pretty sure they've replaced the actual Bart Durham with some kind of creepy CGI animation in those commercials.

Larry Mell Morgan

Your Pinnacle Building has no pinnacle.

Mark Reddick

You think That's Messed Up's Andy Cordan should rename his news segments "Minor Annoyances that Impact Only a Few People."

David Anthony

You think bringing mass transit to your city is a Euro-socialist plot to confiscate your Truck Nutz.

Mark Reddick

After waiting for 30 minutes, you get seated at The Patterson House and really just wish you had a Yazoo.

David Anthony

You refuse to look any of the homeless people selling The Contributor in the eye.

Shaun Melby

All of your friends are now experts at removing soggy drywall.

Christian Bottorff

You mocked global warming in January but had second thoughts about it in June.

Mark Reddick

A YASNI wave of relief

Amidst the expected snark-infested waters, a number of entries struck a more upbeat, straight-spoken or sentimental note about the crisis that rallied the city. Normally we try to discourage that sort of thing ... but a heart of stone makes a poor flotation device.

Seeing houses underwater evoked no emotional response, but you cried like a baby when you saw the Opry stage submerged.

Zach Bennett

You can remember where you were when you saw the house floating away on I-24.

Jeremy Elrod

You helped your neighbor after the flood then shed light for the world to see the mess of our Beloved City through song, video, picture, or blog.

Bethany Massey

You operate a blog that proved invaluable for pics and info during the flood, deservedly gained recognition via Entertainment Weekly, and helped shoehorn our city's plight into national news outlets.

Meredith Hunter

It took a 19-year-old superstar to teach us all a lesson on giving!

Michele Totty

You weren't directly affected by the flooding, but you were out helping every day with the cleanup.

Adele Amith

You're still singing as the Grand Ole Opry stage floats away.

Nancy Oakes

Your focus during the flood was not on how much you lost, but on how much you could keep your neighbor from losing.

Rob Moore

Your only pair of shoes were donated, your last meal was delivered by the Red Cross and the curb in front of your flooded house is full, again.

Bridgett Binns

You printed your own "We Are Nashville" shirts to sell for your charity and then ran into Patten Fuqua and felt somehow guilty as he said, "No, that's cool to use it."

Paul King

You were comforted and bursting your buttons proud about how Mayor Karl Dean took hold of the flood crisis and kept the public advised on a very regular basis. No Katrina confusion or panic. Note to Ray Nagin: check out YouTube for how a mayor in a crisis-stricken Southern city should respond.

Liz Blair

You learned how VOLUNTEER this state is!!!! Thanks.

Michele Totty

Your love for this town will always be higher than any flood could get.

Laura Beth Henegar

The Weirdies

You are a soccer-mom and you cut me off in traffic.

The Cumberland crests 12 feet. Above flood stage, still your sex is on fire.

You think that Taylor Swift looks like a gerbil.

You be rockin' over that bass treble.

You rip people's grills 'cause you so trill.

You grew up in a green briar patch of gay gardens.

You'll always vote for County Clerk John Arriolla because not only is he good at his job, but his name is a naughty word, and, one of his staff had the balls to pimp smack that idiotic disgrace to journalism, Phil Williams.

While working at Michaels Arts and Crafts Store you take a phone call and announce over the intercom in your best southern twang, "Home Decker (Decor) pick up on line 1" (p.s. this is a true story.)

You still think your local coffee barista actually likes making your frou frou iced coffee drink after you've stared at his rear while he's made it at the espresso bar and piles on that glob of whipped cream right after you get out of hot yoga.

You tuned into the 10 o'clock news secretly hoping to catch a glimpse of footage showing your sadistic bat-shit crazy boss's house and Mercedes floating down the Cumberland.

You found the missing Aquarium piranha when you blew your nose after working in a flooded house on Moss Rose.

A duck saved your goose.

You're Bi- (polar) and one part of your head sez, "Gawd, what if I'm not cool!?" and the other sez, "Hell yeah I'm cool! Look at this hat!"

You remember Davis Nolan — yes, THAT Davis Nolan, intrepid weatherperson — performing spot-on, unaccompanied but for his acoustic guitar, renditions of Jethro Tull's Thick As a Brick album in its entirety at Bogey's in Lion's Head at White Bridge. Never missed a note.

The Ben Freelander Chevrolet commercials make you feel weird but you're not quite sure why

Your idea of the perfect human being is Taylor Swift's legs, Carrie Underwood's ass, and Kenny Chesney's hips.

You think that YOU are sooo important that traffic laws do not apply to YOU. The emergency lane to the right is for you to pass traffic. The closed down lane that others have merged over from is for you to pass everyone, then force your way in at the head of the line. Turn Signals? They do not even exist for you.

Past Winners

1989 You think our Parthenon is better because the other one fell apart.

Susan Fenton

1990 Your mayor is married and engaged at the same time.

Maralee Self

1991 You say to the person behind the counter at the Hot Stop, "We really kicked y'all's ass in that Desert Storm."

Willie D. Sweet Jr.

1992 You go to a Hank Williams Jr. concert at Starwood and pass out before Hank does.

Ted W. Davis III

1993 Your church congregation is referred to as "the studio audience."

Sharon Kasserman

1994 You think that the H.O.V. lane is for people with AIDS.

Paul Allen

1995 No winner

1996 You never meant to stay here this long.

Robert Jetton

1997 You've checked your flower bed for Janet March.

Terry Robertson

1998 You're the only one who doesn't know you're gay.

Diana Hecht

1999 You dig up your mom.

Rick Hagey

2000 You want to vote Brad Schmitt off the island.

Chad Tribble

2001 Your minister follows the Nine Commandments.

Ken Lass

2002 Towns you've never heard of are going to be hit by a tornado at 6:51, 6:53 and 7:01 p.m.

Rick Hagey

2003 You returned a friendly Southern wave to Adam Dread as he veered across Franklin Pike.

Cindy Parrish

2004 You need a war to sell records.

Joe Scutella

2005 Your governor gives TennCare beneficiaries McDonald's instead of health care coverage.

Ken Lass

2006 You were a gay cowboy before being a gay cowboy was cool.

Michael Williams

2007 You saw Kenny Chesney in a Kroger reading Out & About.

Michael Williams

2008 Your DUI arrest gets a five-star rating on YouTube.

Roy Moore

2009 your local gop makes the kkk look like the aclu.

Jonathan Belcher