Your governor gives TennCare beneficiaries McDonald's instead of health care coverage. —Ken Lass
Second Place
You used to like Bill Frist. —Rick Hagey
Third Place
You go to Faith Night at the Nashville Sounds because the beer line is short. —Steve Bass
Honorable Mentions
You go to the police academy to learn gay bashing. —Rick Kelly
Your daily paper is published by Hecht's. —Mike O'Brien
You have TennCare, no you don't, you have TennCare, no you don't, you have TennCare, no you don't! —Curtis Stoneberger
It's easier to buy alcohol than antihistamines. —Jill Swigart
You bought Dave Ramsey's book with a credit card. —Zack Bennett
You play in four bands made up of different combinations of the same six people. —Matt Michiels
The table you are waiting on asks if they can pray for you. —David Friedlander
You become suspicious when your wife tells you that she needs more closet space. —Harold Hornberger
There's a chance that you could be arrested by your father. —Harold Hornberger
You hope your song gets selected for the next FBI sting. —Ken Lass
The environmentally conscious side of you is sad that "E-Cycle Management" turned out to be the FBI's sham company. —Clifton Kaiser
You're not that kind of Christian. —Drew Maynard
And the Rest...
You're thankful your state senator didn't take the bait. —Phil Newman
You feel animosity toward anybody driving a car with a "Williamson" sticker on it. —Zack Bennett
Your police chief's motto is "Cracking down on crime one minor traffic violation at a time." —Clifton Kaiser
You lobbied for a bill to use legislative bribes to save TennCare. —Kate L. Graves
The Metro Councilman you call with your problems represents another district. —David Friedlander
You close your windows to get a breath of fresh air. —Barbara Brand
Your recording contract lasted longer than your marriage. —Bucky St. Stephen
You don't mind Iraqi immigrants, you just think they'd feel "safer" voting in someone else's neighborhood. —Rick Hagey
Referring to your city council as "35 Fredos" is more insulting to Fredo than the council members. —Mari Roberson
You wonder if you were the one who gave Chely Wright the finger on West End Avenue. —Ilissa Gold
You refer to Brentwood Baptist Church as "Six Flags Over Jesus." —Brendan Stubblefield
You had to sell your home to pay your property taxes. —Michele Totty
You wonder what the Northern Baptist Convention is like. —Michael Williams
Your church offers Starbucks coffee, a gift shop and porn on Sunday. —Mari Roberson
Your property appraisal got a bigger raise this year than you did. —Jeff Porter
You spend more on car flags than you give to charity. —Mike O'Brien
You voted for a candidate who made a fortune in the health care industry, gets elected governor, and then has to drop thousands from the state health care plan. —David Friedlander
You wish that Toby Keith were national security advisor. —Dave Weil
You think John Jay Hooker was ahead of his time when he called for ethics reform. —Stacy Harris
You wonder what song the strip-club DJ played that set off Kid Rock. —Clifton Kaiser
You get up early on garbage day to watch the new robot garbage truck pick up your trash. —Anna Haferman
If he had his way, the headliner at your Fourth of July celebration would have half of the crowd deported. —Mike McAlister
You have to pay a prostitute for his time to get an interview. —Wando Weaver
You've never looked at Chris Noth the same way since July 4, 2003. —Zack Bennett
Your Thompson Lane Krispy Kreme features a "Hot WMD" sign. —Katherine Le Croy
You're going to Heaven. However, the people who attend the churches across the street may not be so lucky. —Drew Maynard
E.J. Mitchell just cursed you out on the Roundtable. —Phil Newman
Your hospital evangelizes you. —Mike O'Brien
You have a "Friends of the Smokies" license plate and a Bush/Cheney bumper sticker on your SUV. —Logan Dellinger
You cock your neck slightly to the right and repeat, "Darian Trotter, Channel 4 News." —Wando Weaver
A sidewalk begins and ends in your front yard. —Jeff Porter
It took you until just two weeks ago to get the joke behind the title of "Pith in the Wind." —Zack Bennett
You didn't know Nashville had a hockey team until the lockout. —Brendan Stubblefield
To fight crime, your police department peruses gay.com, operates a sting operation against a newspaper receptionist, and pays for its confidential informant to have sex with a prostitute. —Mari Roberson
You think that Nick & Rudy's is a gay bar. —Harold Hornberger
Your weatherman spends 45 minutes of prime airtime describing a five-minute storm. —Karen Hitt
You heard that Gov. Bredesen was changing the name from TennCare to SixxCare. —Dave Weil
You just bought a million-dollar "tear-down" in Belle Meade. —Rick Hagey
You get immunized before visiting Memphis. —Mike O'Brien
The NashTrash tour has ever stopped at the end of your driveway. —Zack Bennett
Your police department is better at busting up chat rooms than meth labs. —Christopher Harris
You can't tell which one is "Big" and which one is "Rich," but you're damn sure there ain't no top hats in country music. —Clifton Kaiser
Your new guilty pleasure is circling the new Hustler Hollywood in your car because the Musica statue just isn't doing it for you anymore. —Chad Johnson
You know the only word in the English language that rhymes with Bredesen. —Katherine Le Croy
You went to Lipscomb but hate to admit it. —Daniel Bell
You finally give into your friends and go to a strip club for the first time, only to get punched in the face by Kid Rock. —Deke Shearon
You've ever said or thought, "Next time I go to the Loveless, I am just getting the biscuits." —Brad Weiner
Instead of "bin Laden," you spent the past year trying to rhyme "tsunami." —Ilissa Gold
You personally know the other seven people who listen to Teddy Bart's Round Table. —Marcia J. Silsbee
You didn't buy a "Vote for Pedro" shirt because you didn't want people to think you were supporting Pedro Garcia. —Jennifer Castleman
You're dying due to cuts in TennCare. —Steve Horvath
You're afraid to go upstairs at 100 Oaks. —Zack Bennett
You had a slumber party at Capitol Hill. —Michele Totty
You wonder if Councilman Tygard is ever going to oppose a new development in his district. —David Friedlander
The main reason you came here was to prove to the people back home that they were wrong about you. —Rick Béziat
You really believe "Dan Miller is one of Middle Tennessee's most respected journalists." —Stacy Harris
You can cut John Ford some slack because it's the Christian thing to do...but you still haven't forgiven Ronnie Steine. —Chris Chamberlain
Your property got reappraised for a value that you can't get on the market. —Clifton Kaiser
You follow the fire trucks not to see a fire, but in hopes of getting a Titan's autograph. —Phil Newman
You wondered if Tim Ross got another tie for Father's Day. —Wando Weaver
You make cool, 007-like theme music for Darian Trotter every time he appears on the news. —Drew Maynard
You died at Bonnaroo. —Zack Bennett
You're the reason "True Stories From the Morgue" was canceled. —Brendan Stubblefield
You speak along with the U-Scan at Kroger. —Zack Bennett
You went to Harding Mall's auction to try to buy Luby's deep fryer. —Brendan Stubblefield
You wish Jack 96.3 would just shut up. —Brendan Stubblefield
You're still wondering how to buy stock in E-Cycle. —Phil Newman
Your property taxes are higher than your mortgage payment. —Michele Totty
You've been TSU's athletic director. —Zack Bennett
You know exactly which movie theater someone is referring to if they say 8, 12, 16, 20 or 27. —Karen Daniel
You drive your Bush-stickered Hummer to shop at Wild Oats. —Katie Krampf
The word "Wang" just isn't funny anymore. —Drew Maynard
You wonder why overworked Tennessean reader editor John Gibson isn't thoroughly stressed-out. —Stacy Harris
You'd rather buy a Lexus in Cool Springs rather than Rivergate because "it would seem more authentic." —Zack Bennett
You recognize everyone at the bar from their myspace.com profile. —Daniel Bell
You've been dropped from TennCare, gas prices are too high, you can't pay your rent, but you can still afford to buy a state senator. —Ilissa Gold
You've emailed Channel 4's Darian Trotter for fashion advice. —Jennifer Castleman
You wish Ludye Wallace had somehow been indicted in Operation Tennessee Waltz. —Zack Bennett
You boast of your Southern culture when speaking about food or literature, but hide it when politics is in the air. —Kate L. Graves
You wonder just what is wrong with all these people. —Michael Williams
You've already tried to call ahead and put your name on the list for the new Cheesecake Factory. —Jennifer Castleman
You held a moment of silence in memory of the World's Largest Cedar Bucket. —Michele Totty
You saw members of the Southern Baptist Convention witnessing to the Musica dancers. —Stacy Harris
You wish "Church of Christ Hell" on those committing TennCare fraud; "Methodist Hell" just wouldn't be hot enough. —Patti Polk
You wonder if Dan Walters has died. —Zack Bennett
You hold a dinner party to raise money for your political campaign and only one person shows up. —Mary Stinson
You express outrage at the assault on the sanctity of marriage at the same time as your second divorce is going through. —Clifton Kaiser
You've been assaulted by one of Thelma Harper's hats. —Ken Lass
The governor just tucked you into bed. —Phil Newman
You watched the Discovery Channel special about the Paul Reid murders and were offended they didn't show more shots of Nashville. —Zack Bennett
To meet girls, your mom has to buy you a stripper. —Michael Williams
You wonder what planet Claire is from. —Dave Weil
You think Phil Bredesen must have stock in the funeral business. —Jill Swigart
You went to the Frist Center for cultural enlightenment and were confused by the lack of souvenir shot glasses in the gift shop. —Joseph Neal
You refuse to have your wedding reception at The Trap. —Harold Hornberger
You always knew a Ford sitting on a Hill was a bad idea. —Drew Maynard
You claim your Antioch apartment is in Brentwood. —Todd Shelton
You were offended that Blue Bell invaded Purity country. —Zack Bennett
You think the dining room in Brown's Diner is a bit too fancy after the fire. —Erik Ness
You decide to get the Coach knock-off at Target, just in case the purse-snatcher strikes again...you'll show him. —Patti Polk
You cussed the demolition of Bobby's Idle Hour, cheered when it reopened down the street, and haven't set foot in either. —Erik Ness
You've ever parked in the Bicentennial Mall State Park and pretended to read a copy of Nashville Scene while you thoroughly enjoyed having a girl's head in your lap. —Dennis Thomas
You're the mayor and even you don't know how many terms you can serve. —Chris Chamberlain
You've been tasered by Metro PD. —Michael Williams
You think selling Shelby County to Mississippi would solve the state's budget problems. —Zack Bennett
You want Turko back. —Brendan Stubblefield
You hurried to sneak in one last bowl at Melrose Lanes. —Phil Newman
You wonder why Vanderbilt's Hustler opened a sex shop. —Stacy Harris
The fountains weren't working on the day you went to visit the Bicentennial Mall. —Clifton Kaiser
You didn't know colorectal was one word until your kids wanted to slide down a giant one. Thanks Adventure Science Center! —Drew Maynard
Your Blockbuster still charges late fees. —Del Tinsley
You thought every day was a Southern Baptist Convention. —Kim Karesh
Your chances of winning the lottery are better than your chances of keeping your TennCare. —Michele Totty
Your Fourth of July fireworks display is ranked third in the nation, but your schools are ranked near the bottom. —Mike McAlister
You just knew the hiring of Chris Ferrell was the beginning of a right-wing conspiracy plot against the Scene. —Mari Roberson
You refer to the appropriate time between acknowledging the affair that everybody in town already knew about and when you announce your new engagement as the "Garth and Trisha Interval." (Vince and Amy?) —Chris Chamberlain
You've been stabbed by Young Buck. —Michael Williams
The freshest face on the 10 o'clock news is "reporting live" again from in front of a dark building where something really important happened about eight hours ago. —Phil Newman
You were proud of the Predators for not losing a game last year. —Zack Bennett
You figured whoever thought of installing privacy glass between the Metro Council and the gallery was just nostalgic for hockey. —Phil Newman
You're good enough for Buzz Peterson, but not good enough for Bruce Pearl. —Michael Williams
You've gone to the Nashville Sounds game just for the bobblehead. —Matthew Pepper
Your wife blushes when Cowboy Troy says "posse." —Thom Abell
You disowned Kroger after one visit to Publix. —Zack Bennett
You walked out of a Tying Nashville Together meeting when you figured out it wasn't an S&M club. —Brad Majors
You think that the "No Overlay" signs in Sylvan Park are promoting abstinence. —Dave Weil
You look at that big outdoor mural of the Vandy coaches and wonder how thick the paint must be by now. —Rick Béziat
