The 2001 You Are So Nashville If Contest

Illustrations by Doug Jones

Earlier this summer, the Scene’s Committee of Insiders met in a special session to address our fair city’s recurring shortfall of humor and to vote on the winner of the 2001 “You Are So Nashville If...” contest. As they’ve done every year since 1989, the judges sifted through entries submitted by our loyal readers, in which the readers complete this simple phrase: “You are so Nashville if....” The idea is that the winning entry each year will succinctly, humorously, and unflinchingly capture the essence of our city.

But this year, things looked bleak. There was a humor shortfall, a crisis of unlaughable proportions. We were in the red when it came to chuckles. Quite a few of the submissions were jingoist. Some were just plain angry. Numerous entries were simply nonrecurring jokes. “You are so Nashville if,” one entry read, “you don’t find anything funny about this year.” It seemed prophetic.

We had five winners, all with the exact same number of votes. We were deadlocked for days. Some members were ready to vote on a winner, while others refused to take action or even say which they supported. Something drastic had to be done. But before we knew it, false reports had been leaked to local media. TV media and talk-show hosts took to the airwaves, claiming that a coalition of four Scene committee members had met in secret and concluded there would be no winner this year. John Boy and Billy whipped their listeners into a frenzy. Gerry House urged contestants to protest at the Scene offices.

The next thing we knew, an angry mob of red-faced citizens formed outside our front doors. “There has to be a winner!” they exclaimed, as they formed a gauntlet, pelting our feckless Committee of Insiders with taunts, shouts, and insults. The police were called in. At the height of tensions, a rubber chicken shattered Willy Stern’s window.

Seizing the moment, the committee holed up for one last meeting. After scouring through the entries, scrutinizing every scribble, and laboring into the night, Scene publisher/editor Bruce Dobie cast the winning ballot. Exhausted and relieved, committee members emerged from their chambers with a winning entry in hand. And the crowd roared.

Readers, this year as every year, we salute you. You are the ones who make this contest great. Laugh. Weep. Laugh until you weep. Take notes for next year’s entries. In the meantime...

Behold the winners.

1st place winner:Your minister follows The Nine Commandments.

—Ken Lass, Nashville

2nd place winner:You intend to write a parody of The Wind Done Gone entitled Da Wind Done Broke.

—Stacy Harris, Nashville

3rd place winner: You got so drunk at River Stages you thought you were at Summer Lights.

—Philip Marlowe, Nashville

4th place winner: You think TPAC is one of those rap artists.

—Randy Blanton, Murfreesboro

5th place winner: The only thing your state assembly can pass is gas.

—Joe Scutella, Kingston Springs

You send your 8-year-old daughter out on Halloween as a life-size replica of Demetria Kalodimos.—Philip Marlowe, Nashville

Your health-care billionaire senator doesn’t think you deserve a patient’s bill of rights.—Joe Scutella, Kingston Springs

Your chipper service crew needs Global Positioning System software to find your house.—Valeri Oliver, Nashville

Fan Fair strikes fear into your heart.—Christy Osborn, Brentwood

You really miss the pest strip on the ceiling of Rotier’s.—Lori Harris, Nashville

You think The Fabricator is the only fictional column in the Scene.—Peggy Andrews, Nashville

Other cities have honky-tonks. Nashville has a historic downtown.—Kathryn Goldin, Brentwood

You don’t see anything funny about this year.—Tim Templeton, Nashville

You drive your boat like you do your car.—Carol L. Marszalek, Nashville

You think a fortune cookie is a piece of cornbread with a food stamp baked inside.—Joshua James Ihm, Nashville

You secretly sell your Titans tickets every Sunday and then brag to all your friends how great your seats are at the game.—Michael Bransfield, Nashville

You think El Greco is the 16th-century kicker for the Titans.—John Danley, Nashville

You own Atlantis but don’t despair when Red Lobster is voted “Best Seafood Restaurant.”—Jim Clarke, Nashville

You believe that mass transit is piling people into the back of a pickup truck.—Richard Bauer, Murfreesboro

The church you were married in offers 2-for-1 lap dances.—Gavin Matlock, Nashville

You think coach Brian Billick and his Baltimore Ravens team are a bunch of low-class thugs, and you can’t wait for them to come play at Adelphia again so you can shout low-class, thuggish insults at them while the Titans punish them relentlessly.—Ron Arnett, Nashville

You own more than three Titans T-shirts.—Shalonda Carney, Nashville

You think having a DSL connection means you know someone who can get you Titans tickets.—Tim Coble, Hermitage

You pray for the Titans.—Heather Martin, Brentwood

You think that Philadelphia refers to a sellout crowd at the Titans game.—Jim Baskin, Nashville

You wear Peyton Manning’s Indianapolis Colts jersey to a Titans game.—Mark Reynolds, Nashville

You think Jeff Fisher would make one heckuva mayor.—Phil Newman, Franklin

Your interpretation of “dress business casual” consists of something with a Titans logo on it.—Tim Templeton, Nashville

You are on voice rest for the next Titans game.—Beth Gilmore, Nashville

You go to the Red Cross for Titans tickets.—Michelle Chaffin, Goodlettsville

You dress up for the Jumbotron.—Roger Abramson, Nashville

You just know the next Gnash won’t hold a candle to the first one.—Roger Abramson, Nashville

You have moved out of Cummins Station.—Leonard Wolf, Nashville

You figure Memphis owes us an NBA season for the NFL season we gave them.—Gavin Matlock, Nashville

The Scene never prints any of the entries you have sent in previous years.—Al Kauffman, Springfield

You wish to thank the Republicans for building you an art museum and the Democrats for building you a library.—Chris Dowlen, Nashville

You think tobacco is a vegetable.—Joshua James Ihm, Nashville

You think that the Frist Center is another venue for a songwriter’s night.—Gary Simmons, Madison

You think the Frist has too many paintings and not enough furniture.—Philip Marlowe, Nashville

You spent more time dressing for the Frist Center than touring it.—Matt Burnstein, Nashville

You think the Frist Center for the Visual Arts is a new HCA venture into optometry.—Michael Lenda, Nashville

You tried to buy stamps at the Frist’s gift shop.—Chris Dowlen, Nashville

You took part in the group hug at your 12-step program and somebody stole your wallet.—David Rose, Murfreesboro

You attend fundraisers to save the Belcourt Theatre but don’t go to their movies.—Tony Williams, Nashville

Your petite little wife drives an SUV in the HOV to the YMCA.—Joe Scutella, Kingston Springs

You can name, in order, all of Lorrie Morgan’s husbands.—Angela Rose, Murfreesboro

You stopped your car to remove both a turtle and a Baptist from the road, and the latter had the harder shell.—David Rose, Murfreesboro

You answered a Singles Scene personal ad and wound up on a date with your ex-husband.—Angela Rose, Murfreesboro

You call Hanukkah “the Jewish Christmas.”—Pam Orlando, Nashville

You want Nashville to secure major employers, offer professional sports, provide prestigious retail shopping options, be the hub for major airlines, build rail transit, and exhibit valuable visual art, yet you don’t want Nashville to become another Atlanta.—Charlie Lewter, Nashville

You have PSLs, but no library card.—Dana Moore, Nashville

You hardly ever get to watch TV without the outline of the middle Tennessee counties plastered in the left-hand corner of the screen.—Hank Quillen, Hendersonville

Your eye doctor has an autographed photo of Lynyrd Skynyrd on his wall.—Jim Reilly, Nashville

On your way through the Frist, you were heard mumbling that your 2-year-old could draw better than that.—Joseph C. Estes Jr., Nashville

You wish that the polar bears were in your front yard.—Mike Lewis, Nashville

You wear a UT cap and UT shirt to classes at TSU.—Mary B. Dunn, Nashville

You think that The Gulch is the name of a bar on Second Avenue.—Robin Cohn, Nashville

You support historic preservation, just not the historic building you own.—John L. Hickman, Nashville

You get the crap beaten out of you at a Hank III show down at 328 Performance Hall.—Doug Seegers, Nashville

You go to Vandy Athletic Center to feel short, Belle Meade Cafeteria to feel young, and Fan Fair to feel thin.—Pat Johnson, Nashville

You swing.—Chenhua Yang, Nashville

You give a dollar to a homeless person and think you should have gotten a receipt.—Deborah Beasley, Nashville

You love going to Sounds games but never seem to get there.—Leslie Anne Salzillo, Nashville

You’ve never lived on a street with a sidewalk.—Ira Rogers, Nashville

You protested the Pepsi Kid movie preview.—Angela Stinson, Nashville

You dreamed you saw Al Gore as a contestant on The Weakest Link.—Roger Dale Miller, Nashville

Your post office displays more headshots than mugshots.—Bill Herrick, Nashville

You have to swap your battery from your tractor to your car.—Abby Case, Hermitage

Your kids go to private school and the grandparents pay for it.—S. Glaser, Nashville

You think that a special recount would show that you actually won this contest last year.—Greg Denton, Murfreesboro

Last night, CNN projected that this entry would win.—Greg Denton, Murfreesboro

Your professor used to be Vice President.—Greg Denton, Murfreesboro

You request the “no male strippers” section at Amerigo.—Greg Denton, Murfreesboro

Country music stars are karate-chopping strippers at your birthday party and you call the occasion “ruined.”—Andy Behrens, Nashville

You stopped to talk to the nude PETA lady on Fourth Avenue, all the while hoping she wouldn’t smell the Whopper on your breath.—Greg Denton, Murfreesboro

You sang at church and complained about your monitor mix.—Andy Behrens, Nashville

You are caught online bidding for an electric chair.—Katherine A. Skopik, Murfreesboro

You bought your new car based on the sincerity of the 8-year-old salesgirl.—Kimberly Kimbrough, Nashville

Your day has been brightened by the African American man who regularly sings and dances his way down Woodmont Blvd.—Jeannie Propst, Nashville

You move to Green Hills saying that everything is within walking distance, but wouldn’t dare go more than five feet outside of a vehicle.—Laurie LaPointe, Nashville

You secretly worry that the anti-gambling pact between the Baptists and the Methodists to defeat the lottery will eventually lead to women preachers in the Baptist Church.—Joseph C. Estes Jr., Nashville

You’ve been asked to bring a congealed salad to a cookout.—Pam Orlando, Nashville

Your florist is also your gas station.—Tim Templeton, Nashville

Your library smells like Chik-fil-A.—Randy Gibson, Nashville

You’ve been asked to participate in ballot stuffing for the Scene’s “Best of...” contest.—Tony Williams, Nashville

You have to turn on your TV’s closed captioning to follow the dialogue on The Sopranos.—Michael Robertson, Old Hickory

You use valet parking at the gym.—Angela Stinson, Nashville

You have a sofa on your front porch.—Julie Warner, Nashville

You believe Bill Boner could be mayor of Temptation Island.—Michelle Chaffin, Goodlettsville

You know Proffitt’s has gone to Hecht.—Michelle Chaffin, Goodlettsville

You leave your recycling at the curb and they don’t come.—Michelle Chaffin, Goodlettsville

You purchased your living room suite from Waylon Jennings and your dinette suite from Little Jimmy Dickens at their yard sales.—Mike Berlin, Portland

You talk back to the self-scanner when you check out at Kroger.—Gerri Winchell Findley, Nashville

You put your $750,000 motorcycle in your yard sale (Waylon’s yard sale last year).—Jim Burge, Murfreesboro

You sold your Weather Alert clock at your neighbor’s garage sale.—Michael Bransfield, Nashville

You thought that lady from Tennessee who won the million dollars on Survivor II had an unfair advantage because she was already accustomed to eating roadkill.—Greg Denton, Murfreesboro

You live south of Rivergate, west of Lebanon, east of Dickson, and north of Antioch.—Chad Johnson, Smyrna

Your carpet store sign says, “W.W.J.D. Open on Sunday.”—Judi Hayes, Mt. Juliet

You use Jack Daniel’s No. 7 grilling sauce for salad dressing and hair gel.—John Danley, Nashville

You train for the Country Music Marathon by tying a $20 bill to your belt and jogging down Dickerson Rd.—Pat Johnson, Nashville

You realize the expression “in the round” has nothing to do with bagels or pizza.—Jessica Lundby, Nashville

You think the new Country Music Hall of Fame looks like the Titanic.—Erin Gardner, Federal Way, Va.

You think the call letters for WSM-95.5 FM mean “Women Seeking Men...for Marriage.”—Dan Eckback, Nashville

You’re so L.A.—Diana Hecht, Nolensville

You came here because of the music business and now you’re leaving for the same reason.—Ira Rogers, Nashville

You miss the Cowdillac.—John Danley, Nashville

You think of sushi and latte every time you see roadkill. #$#@$% billboard ads....—Franko Hashiguchi, Nashville

Your child’s neighborhood playmates include two boys named Peyton.—Phil Newman, Franklin

You scalped a ticket to an execution.—Philip Marlowe, Nashville

You’ve been circling for hours in the turnabout on Demonbreun.—Philip Marlowe, Nashville

You think the next Survivor should take place at the LaVergne Wal-Mart.—Philip Marlowe, Nashville

You’re thinking about signing up for Survivor III because Tennesseans have done so well in the previous two shows.—Greg Denton, Murfreesboro

Your children dash past the animal habitats at Grassmere to get to the killer playground.—Phil Newman, Franklin

You’re glad the Titans have emerged as a Survivor but are disturbed that our schools remain The Weakest Link.—Phil Newman, Franklin

After having been driven down Second Avenue in the big pink bus, you come to the realization that two Juggs are better than none.—Sharon Kuzel, Hermitage

Your caddy wears a cowboy hat.—Lori Shropshire, Nashville

Your allergist comes to all your gigs.—Lori Shropshire, Nashville

All your plural’s have apostrophe’s.—Ira Rogers, Nashville

You wear your Kroger Plus card on your key chain as if it were a badge of honor.—David Smith, Brentwood

You remain baffled by the U-Scan.—Roger Abramson, Nashville

You really don’t expect to win this contest; you just want to have as many entries as Gary Wayne Davis.—Greg Denton, Murfreesboro

You think the photo of the state trooper on a number of gas pumps throughout the city is actually Al Del Greco in his new job doing a public service announcement.—Marvin L. Powell, Nashville

You’ve given a “Billy Bass Talking Fish” to someone as a gift.—Tim Templeton, Nashville

You’ve named your band The Ides of Perry March.—Terry Robertson, Smyrna

You want to go to the Promise Keepers convention because the guy on their billboard is hot.—Tom Satre, Smyrna

Y’all reckon www means “Walgreen’s, Walgreen’s, Walgreen’s.”—Jan Liff, Nashville

The large fish devouring the small fish on your bumper is an expression of your spirituality.—Ira Rogers, Nashville

Your church has a time and temperature display on its marquee.—Ira Rogers, Nashville

Every time you drive past Opry Mills, you say to yourself, “Yeah, I told ’em so.”—Tim Templeton, Nashville

You wish someone would write “Bite Me” in the lights on the American General building.—Thomas McIntosh, Smyrna

You eat fish and spaghetti.—Kristie Lowe, Nashville

Your relatives hope and pray that you won’t have a winning entry in this contest.—Susan Tuke, Nashville

You’ve never actually seen that other daily paper The Tennessean is trying so hard to discredit, and I don’t mean the Scene.—Joseph C. Estes Jr., Nashville

You were so excited because you thought you saw Pavarotti, but then you realized it was just Mario.—Adam Dread, Nashville

You wish Tina were from Nashville rather than Knoxville.—Elaine Merrill, Nashville

You stop on the 440/West End exit ramp despite the sign that tells you not to.—Aaron Stranahan, Nashville

Your evening news has ever started with, “Memphis disappeared into a mysterious ball of green flame today. But first, the restaurant scores!”—Michael Robertson, Old Hickory

You have been involved in an auto accident in the past year.—Brenda Goodbread, Nashville

You’ve noticed that DUI Mike has lost weight.—Patrick Henry, Nashville

Your vacation to Chicago includes a visit to The Jerry Springer Show.—Harold Hornberger, Nashville

You think Tim McGraw and Kenny Chesney were framed.—Philip Marlowe, Nashville

You secretly acknowledge that if we have to have adult bookstores, at least we have the world’s largest.—David Taylor, Nashville

You have tomato vines growing in your front yard.—Jane Bryan, Hermitage

You have ever been accosted by the Burger King Parking Nazi.—Shellylynn Wims, Gallatin

You’re the guy who screamed “Turn it up!” at the Johnny Mathis concert.—Dana Delworth, Nashville

The cement construction barriers in the middle of your interstate have caveman drawings on them.—Joel Bezaire, Smyrna

You support a landfill in Bordeaux but oppose bikes on the Boulevard.—Matt Burnstein, Nashville

When shopping for a used car, you add the cost of new tires to the deal if the current ones are Bridgestones.—Nancy W. House, Nashville

Your wife chewed the last of your Copenhagen.—Andy Bruchey, Nashville

You’re a Valentino’s guy on a Pizza Perfect budget.—Dan Lowens, Nashville

You realize the Scene is really just about Hillsboro Village.—Russ Waitman, Nashville

You miss Speakers’ Corner.—Stacy Harris, Nashville

You describe the clientele at 6º as “imports.”—M. Drennen, Nashville

It doesn’t seem to dawn on you that Mr. Snodgrass should fire Homer.—William C. Carter, Nashville

You think Homer was Jethro’s partner.—Linda McConnell, Hermitage

You learned Spanish fluently while waiting in line for your driver’s license.—Joel Bezaire, Smyrna

You are learning English as a second language.—Lola Suzanne Austin, Nashville

You moved to Franklin to get away from “the bad element.”—K.C. Jones, Franklin

You think Franklin is also Nashville.—Lisa Moore, Nashville

You think Shelby Bottoms is a new strip joint in East Nashville.—Holly Young, Nashville

It took a five-week installment from a fourth-rate weekly to realize that The Tennessean is a third-rate daily in a second-rate town.—Timothy Cox, Nashville

You’re holding out for the “You’re So Williamson County If...”contest.—T.J. Luschen, Nashville

You think George Clooney sings better in O Brother, Where Art Thou? than George Hamilton did in Your Cheatin’ Heart but you don’t know why.—Randy O’Brien, Nashville

Your sperm can merge with traffic better than you can.—Wendy Mazur, Nashville

A mullet ain’t a bad thing.—John Danley, Nashville

Your dog knows more people at the park than you do.—Robin Cohn, Nashville

Your girlfriend knows where you ate dinner by the smell of your clothes.—John L. Hickman, Nashville

You’ve been popped up the side of the head with a wet dish rag by Paula the waitress.—Tim Templeton, Nashville

You have been sued by John Jay Hooker.—John L. Hickman, Nashville

You think we’ll have such a lovely city when it’s finally finished.—Jennifer Parker, Franklin

You lock your car doors when you see a policeman.—Jobie Williams, Nolensville

You hope they never set up DUI checkpoints at Krystal.—John Jeffers, Nashville

You think Ms. Cheap’s book isn’t worth $10.—Michael Lenda, Nashville

You believe the rumor that Ms. Cheap drives a Mercedes.—Garner Allred, Nashville

You think that Ms. Cheap is often, frankly, quite tacky.—Chris Chamberlain, Nashville

You work for The Tennessean and yet are Deep Throat for Willy Stern’s “Grading the Daily.”—Edward Ditterline, Nashville

Willy Stern just called again to ask your opinion of Dave Green.—Phil Newman, Franklin

You think the five-week series “Grading the Daily” was a lot like the weekly socialist criticizing the daily fascist.—Judy Helton, Nashville

Henry Walker doesn’t know you’re gay.—Chris Chamberlain, Nashville

You read a food review by Kay West and expect her to talk about what she had to eat.—Edward Ditterline, Nashville

You think Matt Pulle is some kind of barbecue.—Edward Ditterline, Nashville

You think the “You Were Scene” column is a little creepy.—Chris Chamberlain, Nashville

You have your own shrine to Dale Earnhardt.—Pam Orlando, Nashville

You will always remember where you were when Dale Earnhardt died.—Ken Lass, Nashville

You started driving just a bit slower after Dale’s big wreck.—Steve Parsons, Nashville

You still can’t figure out why “Sweet Home Alabama” gets such a huge response at sporting events in Tennessee.—Michael Robertson, Old Hickory

You think they should tear down Opry Mills and build an amusement park.—Deborah Riat, Nashville

You’ve dated a waitress from Waffle House, or at least considered it.—Steve Parsons, Nashville

Yew complayun that the Messicans cain’t speak good English.—Ken Lass, Nashville

You truly believe English “ain’t no second language; it is the language.”—Steve Parsons, Nashville

You know Bill Boner, or you remember Bill Boner, or you are Bill Boner, or you were once married to Bill Boner.—Steve Parsons, Nashville

You’re more upset that someone stole your song than your girlfriend.—Sandy Moss, Nashville

You can’t decide which is hotter...Sammy’s divorce or his chicken.—Michelle Chaffin, Goodlettsville

You’ve ever purchased a complete meal at Exxon Tigermart.—Steve Parsons, Nashville

Growing up, your idea of a fancy restaurant was Shoney’s.—J.P. Yates, Nashville

You think you’re gonna lose 40 lbs. in two months.—Lizzi Tyler, Nashville

You can’t understand why Ma Bell considers touch-tone a chargeable, optional service when you haven’t seen a rotary phone in years.—Del Tinsley, Nashville

You casually mention to a new gay acquaintance that your neighbors are lesbians.—Bo Sebastian, Nashville

You would “come out” if you lived in any other city.—Ira Rogers, Nashville

You’ve had to personally apologize to out-of-state friends for Gore not winning Tennessee.—Sandy Moss, Nashville

You use your mobile phone to find out where your friends are sitting at Adelphia Coliseum.—Jim Tjoflat, Nashville

You’ve grown comfortable with the fact that 21st Avenue intersects 21st Avenue.—T.J. Luschen, Nashville

You left Dancin’ in the District for the jukebox at Slow Bar.—John Danley, Nashville

You go nuts for cowboy butts.—Chris Strickland, Nashville

You’ve ever been hit on by the ticket takers at the Regal Green Hills Common 16.—Tom Hooper, Nashville

You have NAF SNATIT emblazoned on the front of your truck.—Steve Adkins, Franklin

You have both pro-life and NRA bumper stickers.—Lars Hall, Murfreesboro

It’s hot and you need a pool.—Christopher Bryan, Franklin

You totally fund Kentucky’s educational system.—D.C. Smith, Mt. Juliet

You think the Metro Police Department has opened a new precinct at the Belmont Boulevard Circle K.—Logan Rogers, Nashville

You picket The Tennessean over the cancellation of “Judge Parker.”—Julie Cantrell, Nashville

You got lost trying to find the auditions for the new NBC television show Lost.—Gary Simmons, Nashville

You use Pro Tools on your answering machine message.—Mike Dorr, Nashville

You feel that a band must impress you rather than entertain you.—Terry “T2” Thomas, Nashville

You get shot twice walking around the Nashville Zoo.—Mike Dorr, Nashville

Your pace around town has gotten busier than a one-legged dog with fleas and moving in traffic is slower than molasses being poured on a cold day in January.—Gary Simmons, Madison

You experienced your first sexual encounter and writer’s night on Eighth Avenue.—John Danley, Nashville

You can carry on a lengthy conversation with the car next to you during rush-hour traffic.—Gary Simmons, Madison

Your idea of cultural sophistication is setting your cell phone ringer to the Beethoven melody.—Lisa Wiggs, Hermitage

You still take your visiting relatives to Franklin Road to show them the bridge where George Jones wrecked his jeep.

—Jim Burge, Murfreesboro

You don’t mind waiting in line at Green Hills 16 so you can say hi to Clyde.—Garrison Strickland, Nashville

Charlie Robison calls you a (expletive) moron.—A.J. & Co., Hermitage

You are at 6º and you say to your friends, “This is like we aren’t in Nashville.”—Gail Robbie, Nashville

You sent flowers to Dale Earnhardt’s funeral, but not your grandmother’s.—Lisa Wiggs, Hermitage

You don’t think the new Metro Schools director should be allowed to get a driver’s license.—John Spragens, Nashville

Larry Cherry got all your money.—Bill Schooley, Nashville

Your promotional headshot is on the wall at the Hillsboro Village post office, Village Dry Cleaners, and International Market, but no record executive has ever heard of you.—Chris Chamberlain, Nashville

You feel just terrible about the unfair treatment of minorities in the South but assume that a black man in a Lexus is a drug dealer.—Terry “T2” Thomas, Nashville

You go hear the Symphony play Beethoven and wonder if the composer is in the audience.—Dave Sartor, Nashville

You’re against school choice but send your own kids to USN.—Roger Abramson, Nashville

Your church’s last sermon was on the Armageddon budget.—Neal Miles, Spring Hill

You know to bring your own Coke products to 6º.—Suzannah Walter, Franklin

You wonder if police standoffs are the only way to attract old girlfriends.—Gary Simmons, Madison

You open up a can of Whoopass at McCabe Market.—Michelle Chaffin, Goodlettsville