Lizzie Alfs, at the USA Today Network—Tennessee, which I guess is Gannett’s name for the content hydra pretending to be The Tennessean, has a story about the pending opening of a new M.L. Rose near the state capitol.
The story opens:
Nashville favorite M.L.Rose Craft Beer & Burgers is bringing its popular sweet potato buns, signature waffle fries and extensive craft beer menu to the Gulch this year.The restaurant/bar owned by Nashville native Austin Ray of A. Ray Hospitality has inked a deal for the massive $750 million Capitol View project at the intersection of Charlotte Avenue and 11th Avenue North in what’s being called the “North Gulch” just a few blocks west of the Tennessee State Capitol.
“What’s being called the ‘North Gulch’”? No. No. This isn’t a neighborhood name. It’s an abomination.
Nashville, we stopped asshole real estate people from rebranding The Nations as “Historic West Town.” So, we can stop asshole real estate people from redefining a railroad gulch. And we must, not just so that we don’t all end up living in an area rebranded “The Far North East of the West Part of the South Gulch Adjacent Gulch Gulch Gulch Formerly Known as Nashville,” but so that words have meaning and so that no one ends up in a neighborhood called NoGu.
A railroad gulch is a large gully or a small valley with a railroad running through it. It’s very easy to tell if you’re in a gulch. Stand next to the railroad tracks and point at them with one hand. Point at the busiest road you can see with the other hand. If your railroad hand is lower than your busy street hand, you’re in a railroad gulch.
Now, walk with me in your mind to the corner of Charlotte Avenue and 11th Avenue North. Point at the busiest street you see — in this case, Charlotte Avenue, right there, in front of the very development we’re talking about. Now, point at the train tracks. Where are the train tracks? That’s right. Up there on that bridge over Charlotte Avenue. You are not in a railroad gulch. Ta-dah!
And since you are no longer in a railroad gulch, you cannot be in a place called North Gulch. You can be in a place called the North Protuberance or the North Tumescence. I’ll even accept the somewhat boring Capitol View. At least it’s honest — you can see the capitol.
But Nashville, hear me out: That area around the state capitol has in the past had a really awesome name — Hell’s Half Acre. And there are good reasons for returning to that neighborhood name. It’s badass; the Baptists are moving there and this would be some synergistic branding (proposed new slogan for the Southern Baptists: “If we can do the Lord’s work in Hell’s Half Acre, we can do the Lord’s work anywhere”); it’s memorable.
But most importantly, if we were to do the trendy shortening of the neighborhood’s name thing, Hell’s Half Acre becomes HeHa — pronounced “HeeHaw.”
Now which sounds more Nashville? NoGu or HeeHaw?
No need to thank me, real estate branders, just get busy with the re-rebranding of the area.
