Broadly speaking, there are only two types of bills filed by our Republican state legislators. There’s the, “I’m going to say I wrote this bill, but actually some special interest group or lobbyists or a think tank wrote it and I’m not that clear on what’s in it” bill; and there's the, “I (or a staffer) wrote this myself, but I didn’t think about it too hard or ask for help or advice from anyone who knows about bill writing.” A nice thing about this time of year is that so few bills have been filed yet that you can browse through and see which are which.
In the “I’m going to say I wrote this” category, we have SB0001/HB0001 sponsored by state Sen. Jack Johnson (R-Franklin) and state Rep. William Lamberth (R-Portland). This is the infamous bill that would outlaw a lot of transgender care for minors in the state. Clues that this may not have actually been written by Tennessee legislators? It’s 11 pages long, for starters. No one in our legislature works that hard. Second, their example for why we need to outlaw this is because “the legislature finds that Dr. John Money, one of the earliest advocates for performing or administering such medical procedures on minors and a founder of the Johns Hopkins Gender Identity Clinic, abused minors entrusted to his care, resulting in the suicides of David and Brian Reimer.” Whew, I sure hope we don’t let Dr. Money practice in Tennessee. He sounds like a monster. Let me look him up real quick. Oh hey, he’s dead. We’re safe.
Remember several weeks back when state Republicans got all outraged about the care of transgender kids at Vanderbilt University Medical Center? That’s mentioned nowhere in the bill. The legislation does take a potshot at Planned Parenthood, but I believe there’s just a macro that inserts digs at Planned Parenthood in all state legislation. Anyway, the focus isn’t on what’s happening now in Tennessee, but instead on a tragedy perpetrated by a dead guy in Maryland in 1967. Why? Because whoever wrote this bill doesn’t know what’s happening here. I would bet money on it.
On the other hand, we have SB0003, also sponsored by Sen. Johnson, which is supposed to outlaw drag shows. You can tell this probably was written by Johnson or a staffer because it’s vague and unclear and seems to outlaw many behaviors perpetrated by tourists in downtown Nashville.
I love this legislation so much. In my regular life, I tend to be pretty square. I don’t speed. I cross at the crosswalk when I have the light. I obey the law to the extent that I know it and my life is pretty boring that way. Boring in a nice way, but boring. But now, finally, if this bill passes, I vow to break this law every day. I will break it when I’m in the grocery store. I will break it at the dog park. I will break it while I’m pumping gas. I will break it right in front of the state Capitol. I will literally be a scofflaw, because I will scoff at this law.
The first part of the legislation defines what they’re outlawing:
“Adult cabaret performance” means a performance in a location other than an adult cabaret that features topless dancers, go-go dancers, exotic dancers, strippers, male or female impersonators who provide entertainment that appeals to a prurient interest, or similar entertainers, regardless of whether or not performed for consideration.
What I think Johnson is trying to do here is make the definition of “adult cabaret performance” broad enough that it outlaws things like drag queens reading to kids in libraries. So if you ever dress in drag in order to appeal to a prurient interest, you can’t be in drag anywhere.
What about the go-go dancers? That’s my favorite part. At first — because, like I said, I lead a boring life — I thought Johnson had been harboring a grudge against Nancy Sinatra all these years. Just let Nancy Sinatra give one shoulder shake in this state where a kid might see it and we’ll show her who’s going to walk all over whom!
But no! It turns out go-go dancing is still a thing and has evolved along with the times. I found this YouTube video by a current go-go dancer, Dani Doll, that starts right out with Doll answering the question “What even is go-go dancing?” Doll says it’s a form of very high-energy freestyle dance, meaning any dance that’s you just making shit up could be go-go dancing. Have you ever shaken your booty at a person you wanted to entice into smooching you? And now, have you gone to your kid’s preschool and danced around with the class? You might have been accidentally putting on an adult cabaret performance.
This is delightful. I’ve been taking the time I should have been using to write a serious post to look up old ’60s go-go dances. See, back in my younger days, I used to do a towel dance for my friends. I was naked, but it was one of those bath sheets, so I would flip it around and wiggle around and there wasn’t really anything to see, but it was funny and naughty. And there are still living witnesses to this, so they can attest to this happening. I have performed a prurient dance for a crowd on multiple occasions.
Granted, this was a quarter-century ago, but I don’t see any language in this legislation that stipulates a safe distance from when I was naughty to when I can just freeform dance in public where kids can see without breaking this law. And so I must. I will do the Pony like Boney Moroni. I’m putting my hands on my hips right now, and letting my backbone slip. Me and Lucy are already planning the Watusi. And when they haul me off for corrupting the youth, I will be singing “Na, na na na na, na na na na, na na na, na na na.”
