I’ve spent most of the summer going to physical therapy for my knee. I’m seeing a physical therapist over by Centennial Park, and it is terrible. He’s great. My knee is back down to its normal size and I have some feeling back in it. So, like, I guess if you’re into mobility and not having to have surgery, he’s your guy.
But every time I go, he’s got me doing some horrific form of self-torture, and I mutter and swear and threaten to run away. Like right now — I’m working on standing on a cushion on my bad leg, with my knee bent. God knows what my other leg is doing. My hands and arms are flailing wildly. And supposedly, I’m going to someday be able to balance like that for longer than half a second. I don’t think I could do that before I hurt my knee.
“I can’t do it,” I say.
“That’s why I’m making you do it,” he says. “If you could do it, you wouldn’t have to do it.”
Well, shit. This is exactly the kind of wisdom that feels like cold water right in the face. I’m already sweating and feeling vulnerable and self-conscious, and this dude’s like, “Let me also indict your whole approach to life.”
But listen: Sometimes we all need someone who just tells us the truth. Even if it’s bracing.
Candidates for Tennessee's 7th Congressional District 7 seat? Let me be that person for you.
More than a dozen Republicans and Democrats have kicked off campaigns to replace former U.S. Rep. Mark Green
There are too many of you. Nineteen candidates. I live in the 7th. I can count the number of people who live here on two hands — me, my neighbors, Bob Ritchie, Clarksville, a guy named Dooley, 10 or 12 people’s uncles, Margo Price, that kid I met at Stratford High School last year, Mark Green’s ex-wife and that’s about it, give or take a few. If all 19 candidates visit the 7th District at the same time, none of us will be able to get to Country Junction for lunch because of traffic, and that is unacceptable. Â
And I do mean if they all visit, because a few too many of these candidates don’t even live in the district! Which, yes, I know is legal. It’s still un-American. Listen, I know. What even is “American”? Are we a nation reduced to our most evil impulses — kidnapping grandmothers and tearing families apart, abusing the people we’ve decided to hold captive, encouraging the hoarding of unimaginable wealth, and throwing each other between the gears of capitalism until every penny has been extracted from us and we can be discarded onto the trash heap of history?
Or is there still hope that we can work toward the realization of the promise inherent in all people being created equal? Can we recommit to the great American experiment of self-governance? Yes, it’s hokey as hell, but a government by the people, for the people, of the people is still one worth striving for. I believe that, anyway.
But it means we can’t have a permanent floating ruling class that just flits from empty seat to empty seat. It’s antithetical to the “of the people” goal to have politicians in other districts see an empty seat here and decide they should get to fill it. In a representative democracy, our politicians should represent us, specifically, and that means living here and knowing what our issues are. And if you’re not here, either move here and get involved or run in your own district.Â
U.S. Rep. John Rose is running for governor. Go run for his congressional seat.
U.S. Rep. Andy Ogles is an apparent liar who (allegedly!) steals from the families of dead babies. Go run for his seat.Â
If you’re a candidate in the 7th District, I’ve developed a quiz for you to take to help you determine if you should continue your campaign. You don’t have to share your scores, but if you don’t, we’ll assume you failed.
1. Do you currently live in the 7th District?
- Yes (10 points)
- No (-30 points)
2. Can you correctly name all the HBCUs in the 7th District?
- Yes (10 points)
- No (0 points)
3. Have you or any of your friends been in the upstairs gym at the old Lewis Country Store?
- Yes (-50 points)
- No (10 points)
4. Have you ever purchased clothing at Tractor Supply? (Hats and gloves don’t count.)
- Yes (10 points)
- No (0 points)
5. Do you own a dog who likes you?
- Yes (5 points)
- No (0 points)
6. How old is the Wells Creek Crater?
- Younger than 6,000 years, duh. (-30 points)
- I don’t know what that is. (-20 points)
- Like, millions of years. I don’t know how old. Very old. (10 points)
7. You lost your shoes fishing. Which gas station in Clifton is least likely to give you grief for coming in wet and shoeless to buy more beer?
- Marathon (5 points)
- Country Girl’s Truck Stop (5 points)
- Cross-eyed Cricket (10 points)
8. Your kid needs to go to the bathroom, but the only business for miles is Dollar General. Where is the bathroom stick?
- What’s a bathroom stick? (-10 points)
- Hanging by either the Mt. Dew or the Gatorade cooler up front. (10 points)
9. Where do you keep your cash in the summer?
- In my shoe (10 points)
- In my or a loved one’s bra or swimsuit top (20 points)
- In my wallet (0 points)
10. Would you put your hand in a catfish’s mouth?
- How else are you going to catch one? (20 points)
- Ew, no. (0 points)
Scoring:
- 80 or higher: You can run for Congress in my district!
- 40-80: Are you sure you should do this?
- 40 or lower: No. Go home. No.
I’m not Queen of the 7th District. (At least not yet, but if ever there were a place where I could, if I put my mind to it, qualify as an oligarch, it’s probably the 7th District.) So I can’t make you take this quiz. But if all 19 candidates take this quiz and take it seriously, we should be down to a more reasonable seven or eight by the end of the week. And then I’ll be voting for whichever candidate vows to make standing on one leg with your knee bent illegal. Obviously.
