At-large Metro Council member/publicity hound Adam Dread’s proposal to abolish the anti-lap-dancing three-foot rule at local strip clubs has been withdrawn for retooling, but the ever-busy Dread has cooked up another scheme regulating how close certain people can get to others. “I’m proposing a three-foot rule for kids under the age of 10,” he says. Dread explains that the rule would prohibit kids from coming within three feet of an adult without permission. He says the rule would be particularly welcome this time of year. “Lots of times, at holiday gatherings, there will be some snot-nosed kid who wants to crawl in your lap or give you a hug,” he says. Dread says his main concern is for the health of the elderly. “Holiday season is also cold and flu season, and doctors tell me that children are powerful little disease vectors. They just shouldn’t be allowed to spread their germs on any adult they choose. This doesn’t mean that kids can’t run in and hug their grandma—all I’m saying is, they should ask first.” Not surprisingly, Dread’s proposal provided a tailor-made grandstand for others in the council. “So, Adam is all for having a stripper in your lap, but a loving child would have to ask permission,” says Dread’s colleague Buck Dozier. “I can’t support that. This is big government run amuck. The council should be pro-family and anti-stripper.” Dread has a ready reply. “You know, anybody with a child in day care knows that when one kid gets a cold the whole class gets sick, and they bring the sickness home. I have yet to have a doctor tell me that getting a simple lap dance can spread disease.” (The Fabricator is satire. Don’t believe everything you read.)
