At an early age, most of us figure out that we will never be as suave, cool or irresistible as the role models we see in movies. That does not stop us from emulating their killer moves. Maybe you've tried the noble, self-sacrificial high road Bogey takes in Casablanca, telling your loved one that he or she really belongs with someone else—only to have them shrug, say "Whatever," and borrow one last $20 before they head out the door. And then they never give back your Al Stewart records. But I digress.
So just in case you didn't get the memo: Do not, under any circumstances, try the grand romantic gestures you see in movies. No matter how much your grandmother says you resemble Clark Gable, "especially the ears." No matter how often your podiatrist claims you have Antonio Banderas' instep. This path leads to, at the very least, trouble, perhaps even a copyright-infringement suit.
You can, however, safely skip the lavish declarations of love waiting in everyone's Feb. 14 Netflix queue while finding an alternative that will accomplish the desired effect. Below, we've listed some hot, passionate scenes you may feel tempted to attempt at home—but we've done you the favor of coming up with a different, less potentially embarrassing game plan. Please, no thanks are necessary. Just don't blame us nine months from now when you're standing in a nursery.
Movie: Say Anything (1989)
Grand gesture: John Cusack holds aloft boombox for Ione Skye blaring their song, Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes."
What happens when he does it: Endearing underdog wins girl of his dreams.
What happens when you do it: Public disturbance violation under Code 1785-C, payable by $200 fine; puzzled stares from 21st century dwellers unfamiliar with curious "boombox."
What you should do instead: Two words: iPod Shuffle.
Movie: Ghost (1990)
Grand gesture: Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore entwine souls and whatnot to "Unchained Melody" over pottery wheel.
What happens when they do it: Swayze goes crazy, does Moore. Score!
What happens when you do it: No sex, but the world's most misshapen ashtray.
What you should do instead: Break out the gardening tools, with much suggestive fondling of crocus bulbs.
Movie: Purple Rain (1984)
Grand gesture: Prince sings "The Beautiful Ones" to Apollonia before a packed club, bowling her over.
What happens when he does it: Prince cements his rep as biggest bad-ass on the planet.
What happens when you do it: Morris Day doesn't look so bad.
What you should do instead: Banish all items from your wardrobe that contain velvet, purple or Victorian lace ruffles, dude—you're a guy.
Movie: 9½ Weeks (1986)
Grand gesture: Mickey Rourke feeds blindfolded love slave Kim Basinger sinful treats from the fridge.
What happens when he does it: Hot sex on the kitchen floor.
What happens when you do it: Cold grapes in your underwear.
What you should do instead: Suggest cleaning out the refrigerator—nine and a half out of 10 chicks will find that way hotter.
Movie: Moulin Rouge (2001)
Grand gesture: Ewan McGregor spills his heart to Nicole Kidman in a medley of classic love songs, from "Your Song" to "Up Where We Belong."
What happens when he does it: Hardened hearts melt, true love blossoms.
What happens when you do it: Dogs howl.
What you should do instead: Lip-synch while flipping channels between VH1, GAC and BET.
Movie: An Officer and a Gentleman (1982)
Grand gesture: Richard Gere in dress whites marches onto factory floor, sweeps Debra Winger into his arms, carries her away from world of trouble and toil.
What happens when he does it: Applause, tears, shouts of "Way to go, Paula!"
What happens when you do it: Docked pay, tears, shouts of "Way to go, jackass!"
What you should do instead: Screw it—her job's getting outsourced to New Delhi anyway.
Movie: Titanic (1997)
Grand gesture: Leonardo DiCaprio lifts Kate Winslet above prow of mighty vessel to experience sensation of flight.
What happens when he does it: Nude etchings, gets busy with Kate in steamy Tin Lizzie.
What happens when you do it: Headline: "IDIOT DROWNS IN STONES RIVER."
What you should do instead: Take the bus.
