What does somebody do with 66 bottles of tequila?
Throw an alarmingly comprehensive rager? Sing two-thirds of an annoying song? Compare the quality of the brand backed by the guys from Breaking Bad with the quality of the brand backed by some bro podcasters, as well as the brand sold by the most loathsome Real Housewife of Salt Lake City?
OK, so Occam’s razor almost certainly applies here, as it usually does, and the motivation was money — flipping boosted booze is just a baby step from Tennessee’s most famous criminal tradition. (Bootlegging, not rampant public corruption.)
And if someone is motivated to steal 66 bottles of tequila, as ever picking the right victim is critical. For example, choose a venture-capital-backed, post-“it”-city, Juan-come-lately elevated Mexican restaurant — because who cares if some finance bro’s insurance company has to pick up the bill for a place that will probably be gone in nine months, to be replaced by A New Concept? Do not under any circumstances choose a beloved institution, because: 1. That’s gross, and B. It will absolutely motivate its admirers into levels of internet sleuthing usually reserved for Swifties anticipating an album release. And if that beloved institution has an enviable social media presence curated by years of pithy outdoor signage? Just rob a bank next time, bro.
From country star meltdowns to political ineptitude, here’s our 36th annual lineup of blunders and bloopers
After three doofuses broke into the storeroom of East Nashville’s Rosepepper, carting out more than $2,000 worth of tequila, the restaurant wisely shared the security footage on its widely followed social platforms. The alleged perps were quickly identified, in no small part because they didn’t cover the cameras until after their mugs were clearly captured by the lens.
Two grand worth of tequila seems like pretty small beer compared to the nearly $30,000 in perfume stolen (and resold) by two Nashville sisters over the summer at the behest of their Svengali-like handler, who helpfully sent the women pictures of the fragrances to be targeted. The sisters, apparently unfamiliar with the virtues of the “hidden” folder in the iPhone’s Photos app, saved the cheat sheet. That helped police link them to the multiple thefts.
A more creative version of the scheme was dreamed up by a 61-year-old Mt. Juliet man who enjoyed crossing the Stones River, heading to the Hermitage Lowe’s and getting his consumer durables at a steep discount by swapping barcodes of expensive items with cheaper ones. Who among us hasn’t gone through the self-checkout and “accidentally” punched in the produce code for bananas instead of the one for a front-loading combination washer/dryer?
And if there’s a crime worse than stealing, it’s … zoning violations, probably, as the owners of Backstage Venue in Goodlettsville learned when they were cited by the satellite city for “promotion of on-site sexual encounters/activities.” The issue, Goodlettsville officials insist unconvincingly, is not the fact that the Backstage may or may not be a swingers’ club. It’s that it’s not appropriately zoned, which allowed for the co-location of a children’s dance studio nearby.
Surely we can agree that tax evasion is higher on the moral turpitude scale than a zoning snafu. At least it is for anyone with a developed sense of shame and propriety — which means, of course, this did not occur to YouTubing Aristotelian wonder WhistlinDiesel, whose rich body of work includes the Rashomon-esque “My $2M Lake is Nearly Complete (Car Battery Dumping Ground).” During that video, he helpfully admits in the opening seconds that both the lake and its purpose are “illegal.” Mr. Diesel was arrested not for his illicit watercourse, but for tax evasion for failing to pay tax on a 2020 Ferrari F8 Tributo. Predictably, he turned it into Content, and even more predictably — in the modus typical of the medium — he insisted the state was just hatin’, y’all.
“Won so big they thought I was cheating,” he posted. “I didn’t do ANYTHING.”
Which, yes, is exactly what the state is alleging — if “ANYTHING” means “paying sales tax on your 2020 Ferrari F8 Tributo.”
If Diesel needs some drivers for his post-arrest videos, Middle Tennessee has plenty of qualified candidates. Obviously, he’d want someone who would take care of all the necessary maintenance, like the two men arrested in March following a police chase on Thompson Lane. They might have gotten away with it too, except the driver stopped at a (well-lit) gas station to top off his tires mid-abscond.
Less easy on the wheels was the 64-year-old woman arrested downtown for DUI after driving on the curb so many times it tore her tires to shreds, leaving her careening on the rims. Once stopped, police found her pantsless and claiming to have consumed five drinks at the Bridgestone Arena Eric Clapton concert.
Speaking of slow hand (forgive me): A Lyft driver caught a charge in November for switching out of the app and tuning in to a little adult film on his dash-mounted iPhone. That may or may not be a crime in and of itself depending on the passenger, but … uh, taking matters into your own hands, such as it is, will get you ringed up for indecent exposure real quick — as he learned.
