Dear Martina,
Well, I’ve really stepped in it this time.
I mean, crap, I had no idea that you would be so peeved about the piddling little column I wrote a few weeks ago, in which I let it slide that you hadn’t flushed the toilet during a recent photo shoot. Judging from the angry phone calls and threatening emails I received from various entertainment industry types after the piece ran, though, I can only conclude that the shit has hit the fan over at Martina McBride Inc. From all the wailing and gnashing of teeth, I imagine that there have been endless damage control meetings in your war room, complete with an oversized timeline of the events leading up to your bathroom break and diagrams of toilets and how they work. Maybe that sounds extreme, but then so does this rant I received in my inbox last week from L.A. talent producer Robin Roth:
“I will make sure the word is out in Nashville and Los Angeles that you are not to be trusted. I can see why you don’t field produce anymore as I am sure you don’t have a good reputation and you are probably bitter about that. You bad mouth celebrities and what you did is worse than anything I have seen a celebrity do!”
Gee whiz. Is it just me, or does she seem a wee bit upset?
Oh, Martina, I got so flushed when I read that email. I couldn’t believe that writing about your admittedly minor faux pas was worse even than Sara Evans’ messy divorce, or Michael Vick’s dogfighting ring, or O.J. Simpson’s armed robbery scandal. And I could just picture Robin Roth writing my name in red Sharpie on bathroom walls in Nashville and Los Angeles, followed by the words, “NOT TO BE TRUSTED!”
Being the country superstar that you are, I wouldn’t dare suggest that the stink that’s been raised is a little, well, extreme, particularly in light of the fact that I used the potty incident only to illustrate my point that you were so incredibly wonderful (like an angel, really. Although I doubt those stilettos are allowed in heaven. Something about piercing the clouds…) that forgetting to flush was the only thing I could find wrong with you. But maybe it will make you feel better knowing that more than 200 readers now have sent me their comments about the column and not one of them was disturbed or outraged by the toilet incident. In fact, it was quite the opposite. Just ask Jessica, who wrote the following:
“In a world of rehab and drunken racist rampages and jail time and head-shaving mental breakdowns, it was refreshing to read a cute, funny anecdote about someone famous. It was nice to read a story showing that celebrities can be lovely, classy, friendly and yet down-to-earth—and even, gasp, HUMAN!”
In fact, some especially compassionate readers even had helpful suggestions on how you could best respond to what now could only be described as McToiletgate. This from local blogger Southern Beale:
“I, for one, would have spun the story this way: ‘Martina McBride is concerned about conserving natural resources during this drought-filled summer. She urges everyone to follow in her example. Please watch for her new hit single, ‘If It’s Yellow Let It Mellow.’ ”
A reader calling himself “BruinGeek” had another idea on how you could profit from the column:
“What a great time for Martina to release an ‘American Standard’ album and do a remix of ‘It’s Depends Aunt’s Day,’ ‘Love’s the Only (Out) House,’ ‘Where Would You Pee,’ ‘Porcelain Angel’ and ‘Life No. 2!’ ”
Of course, I’m willing to entertain the notion that I may have gotten it all wrong. Maybe you’re not pissed at all, but you feel like you have to put a stop to rogue stay-at-home moms writing about your bathroom habits, because if I get away with it, where will it end? The next thing you know, Beverly Keel will be writing about the time you got broccoli between your teeth, and Brad Schmitt over at Channel 2 will report on hearing you belch at The Palm. It won’t be long before people will think the unthinkable… that you are, indeed, just like everyone else.
Look, Marti (can I call you Marti?), I’d love to keep this whole thing above the rim and let you clear the air by giving readers your side of the story. Perhaps you’d like to schedule an interview. Tell you what. Have your people call my people and we’ll see if we can arrange a meeting at Morton’s.
I’m pretty sure the toilets are on auto-flush there.
