Cooling scale:
5 = suitable for penguin habitation 1 = my mouth is still a pit of flaming anguish
Side: Marinated cucumbers with onion
Where from: The Pie Wagon (hat tip: Nicki P. Wood)
Heat reduction: 5
Pros: Sweet vinegary brine, delicate crunch a terrific counterpart to hot chicken (and makes a nifty condiment on the sandwich); cooling effect immediate; leaves pleasant aftertaste
Cons: Feel weird asking for it as Christmas present
Side: Brown Cow brand vanilla yogurt
Where from: Turnip Truck Urban Fare
Heat reduction: 5
Pros: Cooling effect very quick; makes a useful dessert; settles inflamed stomach; creamy texture soothes crust-raked roof of mouth
Cons: "Hey, look, it's the weird guy who carries around a big tub of yogurt!"
Side: Cottage cheese
Where from: Turnip Truck Urban Fare
Heat reduction: 5
Pros: Cooling effect almost instantaneous; good palate cleanser; no danger of overeating
Cons: It's cottage cheese
Side: Potato salad
Where from: Just about anywhere hot chicken is served
Heat reduction: 3-4
Pros: Decent cooling effect; natural accompaniment to fried chicken; widely available
Cons: Fills valuable stomach room reserved for hot chicken; will never be as good as Mama's
Side: Slaw
Where from: Even more ubiquitous than potato salad
Heat reduction: 3
Pros: Cool and pleasantly crunchy, though the cooling effect fades fast; cabbage creates illusion of nutritious meal
Cons: Metric tons of mediocre slaw; mayonnaise-vs.-vinegar debate could turn violent
Side: Baked beans
Where from: Just about as ubiquitous as slaw
Heat reduction: 2
Pros: Syrupy sweetness provides momentary relief from scalding heat; reinforces all-around picnic feel
Cons: Beans and scalding pepper — just what your small intestine ordered!
Side: French fries
Where from: Pretty much anywhere
Heat reduction: 1
Pros: If chewed just so, ridges in crinkle cuts might produce air-rippling "accordion" effect
Cons: Fries tend to soak up pepper-filled grease; many places also heap fries with same seasoning that causes all the heat JIM RIDLEY
