The 57th Annual Grammy Awards Oh Balls

The Grammy Awards, a nine-hour presentation of pop music's most famous celebrities, took over CBS last night, and it was something! I personally quit liking music somewhere around 2007, but I LOVE celebrities, and making jokes about them. This is typically called "snarking" or "jealousy," but tonight let's call it "wine-fueled honesty." Shall we?

Intro! Remember gay people? Remember The Beatles? Remember Beyoncé? Remember Pharrell? “What will the world be Tweeting about tonight?” asks LL Cool J (his hat is like a shark’s fin) who opens up the show with AC/DC performing "Highway to Hell." I will let my grandma take this one (see her tweet above).

“That was devilishly good,” says LL. He is wearing a giant sapphire pinkie ring that looks like the late Princess Di’s, and he mentions there are 23 performances, which is about 20 too many. His friend “T-Swizzle” comes out to announce Best New Artist. “The winners of this award have gone on to do great things,” she lies, and talks about how many of her Instagram friends are nominated. Sam Smith wins, and I am underwhelmed. He is British, which I love, and a tiny delicate little pocket baby, which I also love, but his songs? I am kind of not on board! Too many feelings. Also he’s got a sub-Eraserhead haircut and I know he could afford better.

Anna Kendrick, a girl who is famous because cups make noise, announces Ariana Grande. Fun fact about Ariana Grande: She is an actual baby. She sings a ballad, which is the worst kind of song. Good kinds of songs: bangers, summer jams, disco hits, and traditional folk jigs.

Jessie J and Sir Tom Jones are here now. Jessie J is dressed like some sort of evil paper snowflake, and Tom Jones looks like a beef jerky version of current Billy Joel. They duet on “You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling,” and I am wondering why this is happening to me. I assume the performers are wondering the same. They announce Best Pop Solo Performance. The Grammy goes to Pharrell for “Happy.” “This is super awkward,” he says, and he’s wearing fancy shorts. I agree, about those shorts.

Miranda Lambert sings a song. Spencer Cullum Jr. from local duo Steelism is playing with her. She’s got fireworks and shit going off and so far it’s pretty baller. Some of the lyrics are “da da da da da ohhh,” which just makes me think of The Jam's “Town Called Malice.” I like that song:

All the Grammys to Paul Weller IN MY HEART.

Barry Gibb and other people who are not Barry Gibb appear onstage. Let me tell y’all about The Bee Gees. They are fucking awesome. You know what I do? I listen to “More Than a Woman” every morning of my life while I get ready to face the day. I suggest you do the same. Barry Gibb and some clowns announce Best Pop Vocal Album. The winner is Sam Smith, again. I was pulling for Miley or Katy, but that’s only because I believe in fun.

LL Crispy James lies to the audience about how easy it is to make your dreams come true. My dream was for Miley to win Best Pop Vocal. Now what, James? Ohhh shit he introduces KANYE WEST. I was mad at Kanye over Bonnaroo. Real talk. But I’m over it. I love Kanye. I am pro Kanye. He is the only pop star probably ever who is honest about his feelings. He is mad? You know it. He is in love? You know it. He is petty? You know it. Also this video made me cry. I am a sucker for babies and crisp weather.

Miley and Minaj intro Madge. Yeah, Madonna. That Madonna. There are some dancers who had to put on horns and leather and were like “Mom, I’m gonna be on the Grammys, I’m the third minotaur on the left.” I mean, it’s new Madonna. What do you think it sounds like? Yep that’s it.

CBS and NFL try to trick me into talking about who they are. NOT BITING. They give out the award for Best Rock Album. It goes to Beck, who I guess had an album out! Good job, Beck. He thanked all the musicians who played on the record and called it “a family affair;” here is “Family Affair” by Mary J. Blige, the Best Rock Album of My Heart:

Nile Rogers and Smokey Robinson pop out to talk about how handsome George Harrison was (I assume). And also give the award for Best R&B Performance. The winner is Taylor Swift! (They would if they could and you know it.) Real winner is “Drunk in Love,” Jay Z and Beyoncé. I love them both. They are the best. They are better than me.

Shout out to my British friends: James Corden is coming over here, for some reason! Is there some sort of exchange program? Like we made you take Piers Morgan back so we get this dude? Not sure how it works. He introduces Ed Sheeran. Look. Ok. Not even sure how far I want to go with this. Close your eyes. Go into a dark spot in your psyche. Make a mean joke about Ed Sheeran. Yeah, pretend that’s my joke. Milquetoast lil’ hobbit, poor thing. At least he shaved. JK, he did not shave.

ELO!

ELOOOOOOOOOO

“Evil Woman.”

“Mr. Blue Sky.”

Let me set you suckers straight right now. Electric Light Orchestra fucking rules and we are all just planets in Jeff Lynne’s orbit. Best people at the show: McCartney, T. Swift, Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban because they danced to Jeff Lynne. Further proof Kidman is awesome:

Nicole, marry me.

Adam Levine and Gwen Stefani do a song. It is not one I know, so let’s skip it.

(It is at this point I realize this show is not even half over and I open another bottle of wine.)

Hozier plays!!!! I will call him “Hoser” from now on. Hoser is singing a song about being from Canada* and how much snow they have to shovel. Hockey. Being nice. I don’t know. The many awesome shows on HGTV their country produces? (I don't know or care who or what Hozier is.)

ANNIE LENNOX THO.

“I Put a Spell On You,” she sang. Here is “Strange Magic” by ELO:

Nick Jonas and Meghan Trainor pop out just in case a teen is watching. “We both have roots in country music,” Nick says, then there’s three seconds of pandering, then he says: “I think we should get right to it!” Best Country Album winner is Miranda Lambert.

The Weekend comes out. He is cute minus his hair and poor reading. This is, like, Pharrell. And Hans Zimmer. But also outer space? And Spanish. And bellhops. Like pretend you took a bunch of Xanax and watched Home Alone 2: Lost in New York while sexting a German exchange student. “I’m at your service, Lord,” Pharrell says while wearing shorts+bellhop hat+yellow sneakers. Basically Joan of Arc up there.

Obama pops in to tell us how cool it is to end violence against women and girls. As a feminist, I start most of my sentences with: “As a feminist.” He throws down some hot stats about rape and domestic violence. “It’s not OK.” (If you would like to have further conversations with me about feminism and privilege and violence, please talk to me at @AshSpurge on Twitter. I’VE GOT A LOT TO SAY and none of it is appropriate here!)

So then, Katy Perry.

And then Imagine Dragons. I am imagining dragons burning up everyone in this room while Jeff Lynne rides astride that dragon like the true heir of the Targaryan dynasty. Whoosh goes LL Cool J (remember him?) in flames.

Oh, now it’s Lady Gaga singing with Tony Bennett. Haha, guys, are you seriously going to “Cheek to Cheek” me right now? Haha for real? OK, folks, LISTEN. I will Fred Astaire you any day of the week, OK? It is on. Top Hat. 1935. Astaire will DESTROY YOU. You know what is better than the Grammys in 2015? Top Hat. Oh my God. The entire Astaire/Rogers catalogue is better! DO NOT TEST ME.

You clowns. We are all clowns. Don’t even try! Jesus Christ. Watch that clip again and reassess your life.

Clowns.

Usher (aka Ursher) pops out to sing some Stevie Wonder tunes. Hey guys for real, I believe that Stevie Wonder Can See. Make your own judgment but I am Team Vision. LSW (Little Stevie Wonder) does some bars on the harmonica like a showoff John Popper and gets a standing ovation.

Keith Urban just extinguished all goodwill I had for him by wearing a shirt cut so low that I can see his chest tat. He intros Eric Church. Haha. I think some of the lyrics are “Get together at the Pizza Hut.” Keep in mind this is the same show where, just a few minutes ago, the President of the United States of America had to remind the country that violence is bad. More country! Brandy Clark. Country sells records.

Rihanna. Kanye. McCartney. “FourFiveSeconds.” Everyone gives McCartney a hard time, but you know what, I think he acquits himself admirably, as a general rule. Can you imagine the hot nonsense Lennon would get up to? He’d probably have put out a rap album in ’92 and still be trying to walk back something weird and racist he said about, I dunno, the Basques.

Taylor Swift comes out and talks about how Sam Smith is also her friend. If you’re on a plane with Taylor Swift, you’re her friend. If you’re on the same label as Taylor Swift, you’re her bestie. I’m BFFs with every other alt weekly writer in the country because we all do the same thing. Especially the attractive, popular ones. That’s how friendships work, right? (Also Mary J. Blige is here for real, hooray!)

I’ll be honest. I fast-forwarded through the song. There’s some Latin music right now, and it’s reminding me of 1999 when white America pretended for a hot minute to care about pop culture that originated south of Texas or Miami. I fast forward through this as well. Dude’s wearing a lot of denim.

Prince! He’s got a cane, is wearing orange of all colors, and gets a standing ovation just by walking onstage. He looks good. He’s always looked good. “Like books and black lives, albums still matter,” he says. Hard to argue with that, Prince. Beck wins Album of the Year. Motherfucking Beck! Stoked about a Beck win? Newsflash, whitey: You’re old. This is OUR generation’s version of Steely Dan winning awards in the '90s, you know? Lean into it. Kanye pops onstage for a sec as a callback to annoying Taylor Swift one time (which I loved) but doesn’t say anything and sits back down and I think it was funny. Whatever. KANYE > BECK I’M SAYING IT HERE AND NOW.

Shia introduces Sia. Look, I like “Chandelier,” even though it’s a song about a quitter. But this “not facing the audience” thing Sia’s pulling is probably the most irritating pop-culture affectation of the moment. So undergrad! Then they cut to Max Martin in the audience for a second, and I'm so glad to know he looks like a drug dealer. It's how I always imagine dragons'd him. Song of the Year goes to "Stay With Me" by Sam Smith.

Dave Grohl (autocorrected to Growl) talks about David Letterman, because this is CBS. And because it's David Letterman, he's not actually there, because Dave ain't give a damn. Beck and Chris Martin perform. Chris Martin got HOT. Like for real. He is wearing this divorce very well. Stevie Wonder (cool) and Jamie Foxx (annoying) give the Grammy for Record of the Year to Sam Smith's "Stay With Me."

In Memoriam segment. Apparently only three women died in the past year.

LL Cool J and Gwenyth Paltrow introduce Gwen's "beautiful friend" Beyoncé. She looks cool and is making great faces and arm movements and her eyes are beautiful and I love her. I saw her at Bridgestone and cried. I had to DVR the show tonight, and here is the point I change over to Sports Central, because I knew this shit was going to run over. Common and John Legend are performing. And, uh, that was it.

Good Grammys, everyone! See you next year! (I hope not.)

* Editor's note: Hozier is Irish.