Garth Brooks opens this year’s CMAs very somberly, with the event “lovingly dedicated” to the 12 people who died in the second mass gun murder to affect the country music community in the past 13 months.
Luke Bryan bluntly cuts the gravitas with the first performance of the night, and everyone is there: two men with red beards, a woman playing guitar. Chris Janson appears to be going through some kind of “dirtbag Barry Gibb” phase and I’ve gotta say: It’s really working for him. I like the end of this song when it’s a big jam way better than the top of the song that was just Luke Bryan.
Carrie Underwood and Brad Paisley sing their yearly jokes. Here’s something interesting: fully two-thirds of the jokes delivered were pretty funny! The bad jokes were awful, and mostly about Carrie Underwood’s pregnant body. Mason Ramsey is there and does a little bit of broad stage acting and it’s very cute. If this was a variety TV show … I’d watch it? At least once. They plug all the awful downtown celebrity bars. (If you have music in your soul, practice your craft, hustle hard in church choir or bar bands, spend your life on the road, then maybe — just maybe — you, too, can someday own a bar.) There’s a joke that burns Kid Rock and I feel so blessed, but it’s immediately followed by a breastfeeding/titty-sucking joke and it’s ruined!
Lady Antebellum, a band that choose its name to evoke the long-lost glamour of being a hell-bound slaver, presents Song of the Year to Chris Stapleton for “Broken Halos.” There are some men in the crowd wearing jeans that haven’t earned the right to wear jeans.
Jason Aldean and Miranda Lambert sing “Drowns the Whiskey.”
Two famous children give New Artist of the Year to Luke Combs, one of the ginger-bearded men from earlier! The song in the background doesn’t infuriate me, so congrats to Luke!
Thomas Rhett performs a worse version of “Summer Girls” by LFO, and the lyrics appear to be about his actual life, including how his wife is famous on the internet now. HOW FUCKING FASCINATING!!! Follow Thomas Rhett, his wife, their kids, his dogs, and his great-aunt on Instagram. It really takes something to be the thirstiest person in a room filled with dozens of people who have gone out of their way to get famous. The high-school marching band that performs with him is cute.
Next up is the part of the show where I learn Dan + Shay are two men rather than a man and a woman. They sing their smash hit “Tequila.” The chorus goes, “When I taste tequila / Baby I still see ya.” THAT IS HILARIOUS. It’s extremely funny and I will not listen to anyone arguing otherwise.
My favorite part of this performance is how the prettier singer and I were wearing the exact same outfit. My second favorite part is when I get distracted online and look away from the TV for most of the song, but when I look back up again, the piano is on fire!! Again: This is hilarious. The piano singer does a big finale. Honestly feel like Dan + Shay should be writing rock operas for the stage? Something to think about, fellas.
Chris Stapleton’s “Broken Halos” wins Single of the Year, and he sends his love to the people in California dealing with the deadly wildfires.
Lauren Alaina sings real good (imo) and announces that the late Dottie West is a new inductee into the Country Music Hall of Fame.
ANOTHER FUNNY THING: They hand out hot chicken to the crowd, which is not funny, but they play the polka-style “Chicken Dance” wedding song in the background! Funny!
Kelsea Ballerini sings a country-pop song that is mostly pop. Old Dominion also performs.
Carrie Underwood wears my favorite gown of the night for her performance, it’s a deep blue with what appears to be a cape attached, but the cape is actually very long sleeves embellished with an extremely colorful lining! It’s gorgeous. Unlike the one from last year, I would wear that gown every day. I look away from the TV for two minutes and then back up again, and I’m quickly learning this is the best way to watch live TV performances. Now there’s an enormous choir up there with her, and they have to make a heart with their hands at the end of the song. You can kind of tell which dancers feel stupid doing this (only a handful, as dancers are typically very earnest people).
Old Dominion wins Vocal Group of the Year, and half this band looks like Swedish DJs.
Brett Young is in the spotlight and sings a solo song that’s kind of like, “What if a boy had a feeling?” I hate ballads! Then he thanks country radio.
Ricky Skaggs does some fun stuff with mandolins! I say “nice” out loud. I realized something while watching this performance: I’ve always said I hate “jams,” but I think I just hate rock jams? Because this bluegrass jam kicks incredible ass.
After Ricky Skaggs gets the crowd fuckin’ hyped, Midland does a very straight cover of “Eastbound and Down” as, I think, a tribute to the late Burt Reynolds, specifically in Smokey and the Bandit. Let me be perfectly clear: I love this shit. I love the ’70s aesthetic, I love the greasy dirtbagginess, I love the denim, I love the gimmick. Thomas Rhett is standin’ and bobbin’ around, too.
In a CMA Awards first, I have actually listened to (and enjoyed!) the winner of Album of the Year: Golden Hour by Kacey Musgraves!
Florida Georgia Line perform with Bebe Rexha, and then Luke Combs is up. Keith Urban does his thing, too. There are too many performances!!
Garth Brooks sings a brand-new love song, “Stronger Than Me,” directly to Trisha Yearwood. I have one question: What did he do?
Brothers Osborne win Vocal Duo of the Year and one of the guys says “Work hard, be diligent” in his acceptance speech. I like that nerd!!
Pistol Annies sing “Got My Name Changed Back” and it is a very good song!!!
Aviation authority Dierks Bentley and Brothers Osborne play while standing in a a literal ring of fire, but they are not singing “Ring of Fire,” so I don’t listen!
Rita Wilson introduces Mavis Staples, Chris Stapleton, a literal stapler, Marty Stuart, and others. I looooove these parts of country music awards shows, where everyone kind of just fully admits gospel and soul are better genres — ESPECIALLY if we’re invoking the late ’60s and early ’70s.
Let’s wrap this up! Brad Paisley sings! Male Vocalist of the Year is Chris Stapleton! Kacey Musgraves sings “Slow Burn” and it’s so good! Eric Church performs!
Carrie Underwood wins Female Vocalist of the Year and she is blessed and overwhelmed!!
Keith Urban wins Entertainer of the Year and he is even MORE blessed and overwhelmed than Carrie! He is crying!! Nicole is so proud!! I don’t care about Keith Urban and his career but he is so clearly happy right now that I am very happy for him! Congrats to all the winners! No one said anything about gun control!
