Keith Urban
I’m in the weird position of being kind of excited about the CMA Awards! Thanks to good investigative celebrity journalism, it is known that Beyoncé will perform with the Dixie Chicks tonight. That’s good! There are also lots of Country Legends appearing, which is great for me because I know songs from Country Legends. Let's recap!
Speaking of legends! Here is Vince Gill looking like he buys his glasses at See, singing “Mama Tried!” Host Brad Paisley sings with Roy Clark! (I recognized him from Hee-Haw!) Host No. 2 Carrie Underwood sings “Stand by Your Man!” Charlie Pride sings a song I thought said, “It’s an angel in mourning,” but actually says, “Kiss an angel good morning!” Alabama does a mountain song! Charlie Daniels did that thing!
It’s at this point I first check the World Series score: Cubs 1, Indians 0.
Then Reba does “Fancy”! Love that “Fancy”! Dwight Yoakum, a man whose main talent is reminding me that he exists at appropriate intervals, sings a song about guitars! Clint Black is there, and now I see all the other performers have been forced to line up behind him and sway gently, like a chorus line rehearsal at the old folks’ home. Ricky Skaggs, who I guess is a scientist from the future, sings “Country Boy”!
Alan Jackson is there! Here is where I realize they’re not actually displaying the performers’ names, but instead their Twitter handles. Jackson’s is @officialjackson, which I think is very rude to Janet. Randy Travis is also there, and everyone sings his good song at him, and I’m mildly choked up on account of having a heart.
“We’re so freaking sick of politics we don’t even care who wins,” they say, and that’s a BAD TAKE. There’s also a Designated Survivor joke which lets me know this this show’s main audience watches Designated Survivor. The Designated Survivor joke is actually a pretty sick burn on Billy Ray Cyrus, and he’s a good sport for doing this.
Here’s where I glimpse Loretta Lynn for the first time tonight. She looks like a William Faulkner character who probably murdered a couple husbands.
OMFG how long are these poor Olympics girls forced to be brand ambassadors? Let them go home, I’m sure they are all very tired. They give Single of the Year to Thomas Rhett’s “Die a Happy Man,”
Kelsea Ballerini has two dancers and the male dancer is on wires and it is great, it’s like a production from a totally different awards show.
Olivia Newton-John is there with some of the cast of The Goldbergs to give the Song of the Year award to “Humble and Kind.” They show a man and woman kissing in the crowd, and I didn’t know which one was the winner. It turns out to be the woman, which makes me very happy.
Jason Aldean and Brooks and Dunn do a country song. Elle King (East Nashville, 10 years ago) and Dierks Bentley also sing a country song, it’s about, I think, men being emotionless beasts. Shot of Tanya Tucker in the crowd; she looks like a Fun Mom.
Then a white girl sings black gospel music and New Orleans jazz, basically, and it’s pretty good because modern country is at its best when it’s literally any other genre of music.
World Series is tied, 1-1.
Turns out Jennifer Garner is there, and tonight is so full of stars that she’s only like the seventh-most famous person there. She says the words “historic flooding” with a terrific smile. New Artist of the Year is Maren Morris. She says that “last year I sat across the street at a bar and watched this show,” and she gets cheers because Nashville loves alcohol.
Brad Paisley and Barbara Mandrell are there to introduce Garth Brooks and Tricia Yearwood. They run through a medley of country classics and the World Series is still 1-1.
Carrie Underwood does a performance. Carrie on a Hot Tin Roof! And other Tennessee Williams things. She and her band are dressed like they’re contestants on the much-loved VH1 Celebreality classic Rock of Love.
Faith Hill gives Album of the Year to Eric Church for Mista Misundastood.
Little Big Town is there and they sing a song where the lyric is literally, “I see the permanent damage you did to me,” and it makes me laugh and laugh. Like, I guess they are not getting back together! (Good modern pop country songs today = good adult contemporary 20 years ago.)
Cubs up 3-1!
Miranda Lambert sings a song. If you had “Matthew McConaughey in blue jeans at a black tie event saying ‘all right, all right, all right’” in your CMAs drinking game, sorry to hear that you died of alcohol poisoning. Tim McGraw sings a song; his stage play has pictures of different kinds of people projected behind him, of various genders and races and religions, and all the Trump voters are like, “Ugh, triggered.”
The Oak Ridge Boys are there, and what do they sing? That’s right: “Karma Chameleon.” [Editor's note: WTF?]
Alan Jackson and George Strait are there to perform/remind me of being in elementary school. Also Vocal Duo of the Year is given to the Brothers Osbourne. Someone’s hugging one of them, and what has to be a Jack-and-Coke in her hand gets all up in the camera, and it’s hilarious.
Keith Urban sings a song that sounds like it’s from a 1950s prom.
Josh Dallas and Cain and Cole Swindell are there — Cole is wearing a black baseball cap, but for a second I thought it was a Moe Howard haircut. They all give Vocal Group of the Year to Little Big Town, aka The “Is That Richard Branson?" Band.
Beyoncé and the Dixie Chicks! I’m dying, I’m dead, it’s great. It’s GREAT. “Daddy Lessons.” This song and performance can be held up next to the songs in the opening medley and more than hold its own. I love Beyoncé and I love the Dixie Chicks. Then Peyton Manning, the man with a face like a medieval doodle, introduces Kenny Chesney. With that, I feel like I have been cruelly ripped back into my earthly body after almost reaching heaven.
Then the guy Thomas Rhett is like “I Could Die a Happy Man.” I call this Pinterest Country.
Cubs 6, Indians 3.
Chris Stapleton and Dwight Yoakum sing an Elton John song, as far as I can tell. (That means I like it.) Luke Bryan song! Lee Greenwood song for a few seconds! Florida-Georgia Line and Tim McGraw song! McGraw looks like a late-‘30s cinema lothario. Vince Gill, who seems like he’d be a real good Methodist minister or something, gives Female Vocalist of the Year to Carrie Underwood. She ran in heels across the stage very, very well. She also deserves an award for that.
Eric Church sings a song, and he’s got words projected all over him like an ‘80s music video. The lady who sang with him is a good singer, I looked up from the computer and everything. (Her name is Rhiannon Giddens from Carolina Chocolate Drops.) Lily Tomlin, a woman I could not meet without weeping, introduces Dolly Parton’s Lifetime Achievement Award. Jennifer Nettles and Pentatonix (ME: “Oh nooo!” VIEWING PARTNER: “I told you”). Reba doing “9 to 5”! I like this part! Kacey Musgraves doing “Here You Come Again”! Martina McBride and Carrie Underwood doing “I Will Always Love You”!
DOLLY’S CRYING AND THAT’S GONNA MAKE ME CRY
Lily gives Dolly the award. “I woulda cried but I didn’t wanna mess up my eyelashes,” she says. Legend, legend, legend. She makes a Willie Nelson weed jokes and nails it. She even plugs her made-for-TV movie, man. What a pro.
Sharon Stone is there, I like her in Casino. Male Artist of the Year is Chris Stapleton.
Brad Paisley is at a piano and pullin’ ya up on his knee like “Be #thankful.” Taylor Swift is there too, dressed like a ‘70s coke dealer’s girlfriend. (That’s a compliment.)
Garth Brooks wins Entertainer of the Year!
Cubs win the World Series! This show only felt 108-years long.
