In spite of how utterly wrong it gets everything, always, the Grammys were pretty good! I liked nearly all the performances, and all the speeches. Even the tributes, which are usually dumb, were good. Also, we're blessed to live at the same time as Beyoncé, even if the Recording Academy doesn't think so. Below, find my mostly real-time reactions to the most politically fraught Grammy Awards I've seen in my lifetime!
We start with Adele, the woman who single-handedly made adult contemporary cool again. She sings “Hello.” I like this song! It involves phone calls! She’s dressed like a jewel-toned Art Deco building — a look I am FOR. But “Hello” is from 2015, so I don’t even know why she’s here right now. 2016 was that bad, eh?
Because both James Corden and the Grammys are on CBS, he is hosting. Corden is an affable enough fellow (or “bloke” in the vernacular of his people), but man, I don’t get it! He rap-sings his jokes — he rap-sings the whole intro. The thing I like most about it is that it’s over quickly.
Jennifer Lopez is here, repping powerful arms and long hair. She is the first to address The Issues, saying that artist’s “voices are needed more than ever.” Unfortunately, as soon as she says that, it cuts to the stupid-looking one in DNCE — arguably the least-needed voice in the room. She gives the Best New Artist award to Chance the Rapper. Mostly new! Close enough. Chicago got a way bigger cheer than God in his speech.
Paris Jackson, looking exactly the way a second-generation billionaire should, briefly mentions the Dakota Access Pipeline — she ain’t fer it, she’s a’gain it. She introduces The Weeknd and Daft Punk. They do a spaceshippy smooth R&B thing. I am HERE for spaceshippy smooth R&B things! It is a much better genre of music than, say, rock or country.
Next up, John Travolta, who has got a whole thing going on! He introduces Keith Urban and Carrie Underwood. This is full-on an ‘80s synth-pop song with 21st-century accoutrements. Take away their country twangs, change the language, and this could be a mid-tier K-pop song. All of that is to say, I liked it!
Best Pop Duo/Group Performance is awarded to “Stressed Out” by Twenty-One Pilots. They took off their pants to accept the award — truly a bold act of privileged inanity in times such as these. Aren’t we glad we gave them attention? (Where is the neck-tat guy? Is he not one of the Pilots?)
Ed Sheeran apparently wants pats on the head for not using his phone for a year or whatever; I’m genuinely offended that he’s in the same room as Beyoncé. Mark me down as NOT A FAN. Once that’s finally over, Kathrine McPhee and The Chainsmokers give Best Rock Song to dead-ass David Bowie. Kathrine fuckin’ McPhee and The fuckin’ Chainsmokers accept the award in his honor.
Kelsea Ballerini and Lukas Graham do a whole thing. Country stars are probably the only people who really care about the Grammys — they have scores of awards shows every year, but most Americans don’t care. If you’re a country star and perform on the Grammys, though, you’re basically mainstream! Anyway, boy, that Lukas Graham thing sucks!
If you came for Beyoncé’s transformation into a fertility goddess, have I got good news for you! She evoked, to my white eyes, goddesses generally, but if you’re a person familiar with West African deities then you recognize a specificity to her performance that I did not. She was introduced by her mother, she’s obviously pregnant (with twins), and we know her young daughter was there in the crowd — it just got to me. And oh, the chair! A celebrity as imperious as Beyoncé falling onstage at an awards show would be hilarious, right? But she’s pregnant now, with twins, and an injured pregnant woman is still in human society’s Top Five Most Dangerous Taboos. She leaned into it. My heart was in my throat. The dancers and AV component and costuming and music were beautiful. I loved it. I cried.
Unfortunately, CBS did not give Beyoncé four hours to do whatever she wanted, so we have to move on.
Camila Cabello, some child, and Thomas Rhett give Best Country Solo Performance to Maren Morris. I can see her regretting her dress as she ascends to the stage.
James Corden gets the whole arena to sing “Sweet Caroline.”
Your mileage may vary, but here’s my review of every Bruno Mars performance:
😍😭😍😭😍
He breaks it down for the ladies!
Then, it’s Little Big Town. They sing “Teenage Dream,” the best Katy Perry song. As we learn time and time again, the best country music is NOT country music. Then comes Katy Perry for real — she has a new #aesthetic and I enjoy it. Skip Marley is there, and the Constitution, “no hate,” and an armband that says “Persist.” As vague as that is, it’s more than Taylor Swift can muster!
It’s blues time, baby! Gary Clark Jr. and William Bell do the blues! They give the best Urban Contemporary Album to Beyoncé, of course. But honestly all the nominees sounded interesting! Beyoncé gives a speech about Lemonade and black beauty.
Gina Rodriguez introduces Maren Morris and Alicia Keys. They sing a song called “Once.” I realize I can fast-forward through it about two seconds in. No offense!
Because the wrong people from the 1980s keep dying, the GRAMMYs give a tribute to George Michael. Adele is BACK, and she is doing a dark creepy version of “Fastlove” but then she fucks it up (ON PURPOSE?!?!) and starts the whole thing over! Man, what a British choice for a tribute song, I love it. “Fastlove” was a hit in the U.K. and Commonwealth in 1996, but not really one in the United States. It was a pleasant reminder that George Michael had a successful career beyond the ‘80s, even if most folks watching at home don’t care.
Taraji P. Henson is there to present Best Rap Album. Chance the Rapper wins another Grammy!
Laverne Cox is there, and encourages us at home to look up Gavin Grimm. She introduces Lady Gaga. And Metallica! Look, something else I can fast-forward through! Unlike the Super Bowl, this is a very unfortunate night for Lady Gaga.
By the way, Rihanna has been drinking from a bedazzled flask and grooving all night.
Dwight Yoakum introduces Sturgill Simpson. I was like “this is OK” up until the saxophone solo, which ruled. Bring back sax solos!
Why does the awful one in DNCE conduct himself like one of Biff Tannen’s toadies?
Demi Lovato takes the lead on a Bee Gees tribute — that’s how I know I’m the Grammys' ideal audience. Sorry! Joining her is a woman named “Tori Kelly”; I instinctively knew her name would be spelled Tori with an I. Little Big Town, who know that disco is better than country, sing “How Deep Is Your Love,” and it’s good. Andra Day is also there. Barry Gibb sang along to his songs from the audience, and his brothers are dead, and it made me cry again.
Celine Dion is here, there’s nothing I fear. Still wearing her mourning and widowhood well, she’s like if Queen Victoria was fun. Gives “Song of the Year” to “Hello,” Adele. HM. Instead of “Formation.” HM.
Anderson .Paak and A Tribe Called Quest were great. Explicit where Katy Perry was vague (what a thing to have to write), this was another example of black performers talking to America generally but minority Americans specifically — black, Muslim, all ages and races. And if you think it’s fucked up that Busta Rhymes called Donald Trump “Agent Orange” but NOT that Donald Trump is the president of the United States, then buddy, I don’t know what to tell you!
After, a Prince tribute. It’s The Time! Haha OK! Jay Z is the right age for this; Beyoncé is not.
BRUNO MARS DRESSED UP LIKE PRINCE.
😍😭😍😭😍
He’s doing this for us, I hope you realize. He’s being the Prince a confused world needs him to be. And FRANKLY the decision to sing “Let’s Go Crazy” — of all Prince songs — was a political act, too. That’s the song about beating back the devil, guys! It’s not subtle. Pop culture is important, guys, very sorry to break it to you.
Pentatonix. Nope!
Halsey and Jason Derulo! They introduce Chance the Rapper, who is back! Then it’s the "In Memoriam" segment, where John Legend and Cynthia Erivo sing “God Only Knows.” But then they lead with Leonard Cohen, so it’s like, why DIDN’T they sing “Hallelujah"? Weird. Anyway, last year, everyone died. You remember!
Rayna and Deacon Tim and Faith give “Record of the Year” to “Hello.” HM. Wonder if this is going anywhere?
Album of the Year is next; Adele wins. She buys white people another five years with the correct assessment that Lemonade was not just a good album, it was a culturally important album. She thanks Beyoncé for “the way you make my black friends feel.” Beyoncé is crying. I can’t stand this. The last few minutes are really the best summary of the night: Black performers eloquently speak to Black America; the Recording Academy proves yet again that it is not listening.
SEE YOU NEXT YEAR! I HOPE!
