I’ll be honest; I don’t really like country music. Oh, there’s a few songs here and there that are fine, but by and large it's not my thing. So I'm not sure why this is like my seventh recap of a country music awards show. I've learned very little about most of the people involved over the past few years, and invite you to join me on my three hour tour of general befuddlement and ignorance!
So the show, on ABC, opens with some Star Wars gags, because Star Wars and ABC are both owned by Disney. How much money has your family set aside to give to Star Wars instead of the needy this holiday season? Disney invites you to give even more. Host Carrie Underwood is playing the character of "Carrie Fisher," which was the name of the (yeah, I think it's "the," singular) actor in Star Wars, and other host Brad Paisley is "Guitar Solo." Little Big Town is there, and Darius Rucker makes a joke about being a black Storm Trooper. Luke Bryan is "Garth Vader," because unlike Rucker, Garth Brooks isn't afraid to tell people no.
Hank Williams Jr. is the first performer of the night, famous for his song "Football Football Football," but tonight he sings "Van Dabba Dabba Doo." The drum says "Music Has Value," but I'm wondering, like, does it?
Then it's off to John Mellencamp singing his hit "Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman," and Keith Urban is there, too! Urban sings a song with a drumbeat that sounds like a B-side from Madonna's Ray of Light, or a particularly edgy Edwin McCain track. This song is called “Sing the Chorus Eight Times on Live TV."
Hosts Underwood and Paisley then tell us about things that are “Cray Cray” to the tune of "Crazy." Here are things that are crazy, insane, just nuts, WHO CAN BELIEVE IT????
- popular youth dances like “stanky leg” “nae nae” that originated in black communities
- Man buns, a niche hairstyle
- Women being called “tomatoes," a thing that happened a million years ago and I wonder if a mainstream audience watching ABC even gets it
- McDonald’s breakfast
- “Bruce Jenner’s a babe now," hmm, a questionable joke with a debatable punchline
- Trump’s leading in the polls, which was a daaaaangerous thing to bring up and got an obviously mixed reaction
Kermit and Miss Piggy, the only celebrities in the room in my eyes, are the gateway to a joke about Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert divorcing.
There's also a joke about Josh Duggar being on the adultery site Ashley Madison. Josh Duggar, quick reminder, is famous because he's a cult member who molested his sisters.
Then the following things happen: William Shatner appears in a Star Wars costume and also appears to be slightly drunk, and Brad Paisley pulls his own pants down.
Steve Martin and Edie Brickell give a shout-out to TEXAS. They give out the award for Single of the Year to “Girl Crush,” a good song by Little Big Town. The band comes up to stage: Truman, Edmund, Ariadne and Dorothea. (I guess.) One of the dudes looks like Richard Branson.
There's a tribute to Little Jimmy Dickens. They said … hang on, I mean get this … they said one of the last things Little Jimmy wanted was to make people laugh on TV. So they pull out an urn. And then they pull a littler urn out of it. I am nooooot kidding. It is dark, mildly offensive, does NOT go over well, and I looooooved it. Best moment of the night!
Zac Brown Band comes out to sing a song. It’s called “Whoa Big Momma, Don’t Drown My Love With the Cat.”
And they're still going! It seems everyone was advised to play their extended mega-mix for the live TV performance.
Kenny Chesney sings a song called “Thinkin’ ‘Bout How I Saw the Rain One Sunny Sunday.”
Sam Hunt is dressed like a hip priest and talks a song.
Darius Rucker and Miss America — doesn’t matter which one. Let’s call her … Natasha Butterfield. They present Song of the Year to “Girl Crush.” Again, a thing I have no problem with. One of the songwriters is pregnant, though, and they made her walk 20 minutes from her seat to the stage. Then there’s a break, then Little Big Town sings their award-winning song “Foxy Lady.”
Brett Eldridge (?) and Blonde Girl (?) present Best New Artist; Chris Stapletonwins the award. He’s reminding me of if Sam Kinison dressed like a fancy honkey-tonk bouncer in Arizona and was markedly less annoying.
Carrie Underwood, famous for being a television award show host, sings a song called “Pretty Leather Bag With a Gun In It."
Chris Stapleton and Justin Timberlake (OK) who is “the soul of Memphis,” per Paisley introduction (sure), sing the song “Brandy (You’re a Fine Girl)” and then they do a “Memphis” (aka blues) song and it’s called “I Need Rehab, I Have a Serious Problem.” It’s a really fun song! It is way more fun than country music, seems to be the consensus.
America’s answer to the question, “What is wrong with you?” we have Florida Georgia Line, who are stuck in a hazy Gothic church, singing the song “Soy Sauce Dippin' It." This set plus these dudes just standing there makes me wonder: What if the Princes in the Tower deserved it?
Mr. Peanutbutter and Soccer Players give out the prize for “Vocal Duo of the Year.” Florida-Georgia Line are the winners! I wonder how much they tolerate each other at this point?
Eric Church signs a song about Jeff Tweedy and Elvis Costello, in case you forgot he was white for a second.
Thomas Rhett performs with Fall Out Boy for no reason. Three backup dancers stand between the singing dudes and the rest of the band. It’s awkward. One of the dancers takes away the mic stand. Now I see seven dancers. Getting that mic stand away required a lot of people to go to a lot of rehearsals.
Then they play literally the theme song to “The Munsters.”
Keiffer Sutherland learns who LeAnn Womack is in real time, and the pair give out the award for ALBUM OF THE YEAR to Chris Stapleton, Traveller.
Kelsey Ballerini sings her song and thanks the radio stations, because this is an industry still dependent on radio and CDs. What a world!
It’s about this time I check Twitter and get some texts and people are telling me they think the show is really good this year. I'm like, OK!
Lee Corso and I want to say … Jack Hamstring (nope, Kirk Herbstreit), the hosts of ESPN’s What You Talkin’ ‘Bout? Sports! appear and say the names of some sports teams and the crowd goes wild! They introduce the singing of a song by Brad Paisley by making the old man wear a giant foam Brad Paisley head.
Brad Paisley’s song is called “Football Butts,” and there are mascots doing their mascot thing in the background. There’s probably 40 of them. It’s pretty creepy, but the gang’s all there! The Tulsa Tornado! The Miami Beach Bum! The Knoxville Wigdome!
Blake Shelton sings a song, “Horse Named Cinnamon,” and this was a part that everyone seemed to like, mostly because the audience got light-up bracelets that blinked on timers based on what section of the arena they were sitting in or something. It looked pretty cool!
Anyway, this guy used to be married to Miranda Lambert but NOW he is dating Gwen Stefani, his co-judge on the hit show Time to Sing, Let’s Hear Your Sound. Gwen Stefani is a few years older than him and he’s pretty handsome so good for her! Here’s one of the best songs Gwen Stefani ever did with No Doubt:
REMASTERED IN HD!
Music video by No Doubt performing Sunday Morning. (C) 2003 Interscope Records
#NoDoubt #SundayMorning #Remastered #VEVO
Maddie and Tae sing a song I am pretty sure is called “Ain’t No More Sugar in My Shaker” and then they talk about who are the awesome radio personalities these days. Several of them were morning show hosts. That can’t be accurate, right? Are morning shows on country stations better than morning shows on … every other format? Luke Bryan sings his hit, “Help Me God I’m Living a Lie.”
Pentatonix, aka the third shift at Hot Topic, are on stage and I have no idea who they are. Wikipedia says they are from TV and their genres are a cappella, pop, R&B and soul. Which is not country. So that explains why at least one member of the band is openly gay. They are pretty good at a cappella, which is like praising someone for making really great homemade truffles. Like, good for you, but how often does it really come up? ANYWAY they give the award of Vocal Group of the Year to Little Big Town.
I got no beef with them.
Miranda Lambert, in a move I am reading WAY TOO MUCH INTO, has dyed the ends of her hair pink, which reminds me of a look Gwen Stefani had for years. YEARS! Anyway she also sings a song, it’s called “Sin Wagon.”
Jason Aldean, a man comprised entirely of hat and goatee, sings his single “Destination: Destin, FL.”
“Our goal is to always not be political on this show,” says Brad Paisley, and makes a pretty lite Hillary Clinton email joke and a pretty lite Ben Carson is a Sleepy Old Man joke but they should have re-wrote it to Ben Carson thinks pyramids were used as grain silos in Bible times. (Not making that up!)
Kacey Musgraves, a singer whose name is giving my autocorrect fits, performs her single “The Lady Doth Protest Too Much About Being Chill.”
Dierks Bentley and Lindsay Stirling are the next people who are on change to make sounds at the crowd. Stirling is a violist/fiddle player, it seems. Let me look her up … ”[Her] cover version of Radioactive with Pentatonix won Response of the Year in the first YouTube Music Awards in 2013.” Oh, that sounds awful! I’ve been watching a lot of Murder, She Wrote and looking for chenille bedspreads lately, but reading that, learning that the children today are so so terrible, has finally pushed me into Old Lady territory. I’m 31 years old. Is that when it happens? Good to know!
Sports Illustrated Cover Model and Some Guy (famous guy?) (the reason I can’t discern who anyone is is because I can’t hear the announcer over the audience) (sorry) (but does it matter?) (probably not even to their managers, I’m basically nobody) (you either know who he is or don’t, and if you don’t, do you care?) give Female Vocalist of the Year CMA to Miranda Lambert, who is wearing a bedazzled Chris Stapleton T-shirt. She says she “needed a bright spot this year,” and that seems kind of tacky? Like, don't bring it up!
Reba and Brooks & Dunn hit the stage and sing a song everyone in the audience sings along to. I’ve never heard it before in my life! I’m always taken aback by what a totally different pop-culture world country music is to the one I’m familiar with. This song, that the audience knows, is like someone talking to me about a popular television show in the Philippines. I’m sure millions of people love it, but I am just not familiar.
Jennifer Nettles and a person I am pretty sure is on an ABC show give Chris Stapleton the award for Male Vocalist of the Year. Everyone seems real happy with this decision. He appears to be more of a dirty hippie than a swampy butt bro-rocker so I’m guessing his acceptance is a good thing. “About two years ago I lost my dad,” he starts, and an unfortunately timed “Woo!” is heard from the crowd. For a dude wearing a lot of turquoise right now, he gives a pretty good acceptance speech.
And Reba gives Entertainer of the Year award to Luke Bryan! The end! I’m going to bed!
