Because it is virtually impossible to make a left-hand turn out of the Taco Bell nearest my house, I usually refuse to take my kids there, even though they believe in their hearts it is THE GREATEST RESTAURANT EVER and when I capitulate and take them for the rare drive-through quesadilla, they say, MOMMY, YOU ARE A GENIUS!
And because more often than not I leave the drive-through short about 20 percent of my order and with no condiments, I did not know until recently that Taco Bell prints weird little sayings on the hot sauce packets. Apparently they have been doing this for a long time, and there are stories about people who proposed using hot sauce packets that say "Will you marry me?" In fact, someone who may as well be from the United Brotherhood of Too Much Time on Their Hands printed a list in April 2006 of the Top 45 Greatest Taco Bell Hot Sauce Packet Quotes. And there's this guy, from whom I swiped the above photo and who, like me, has spent more time than one should spend thinking about Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
I can't say I really get it, but at the same time, I am intrigued by the hermetically sealed liquid fortune cookies bearing sayings such as "At night the sporks pick on me," "Will you scratch my back?" and "My sauce is an honor student at Taco Middle School." (Between the sheets?)
I suppose it must be a fun exercise to dig up little shards of conversational detritus and affix them to condiments. In fact, I found a link from Facebook to a non-functioning program for creating your own. If the app worked—and if I were a Facebook user—I know exactly what my Taco Bell hot sauce packet would say:
"Sorry, kids. No left turn."
