This is Desi, a very good girl whose day job is working as a facility dog at Our Kids
Disclosure: Scene contributor Ashley Brantley has been a board member at Our Kids Center, a nonprofit specializing in crisis response to concerns about child sexual abuse, for more than a decade. If you or someone you know needs help now, call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-4673.
If I told you your chance of winning the lottery was 1 in 4, would you buy a ticket? Most of us would.
But what if I told you 1 in 4 girls will be sexually abused by age 18? Suddenly, those odds take a terrifying turn — especially when you know a boy’s risk is only slightly lower at 1 in 7.
These facts have been stuck in my mind since I first visited the Our Kids clinic more than a decade ago. The Nashville nonprofit provides expert medical evaluations and crisis counseling in response to concerns of child sexual abuse. Over 37 years, they’ve evaluated more than 31,000 children.
Most Nashvillians know Our Kids from annual fundraisers like Soup Sunday, the Kids Klassic golf tournament, and the JE Dunn Hammer Down Race. What many Nashvillians don’t know is that Our Kids:
- Offers free, 24/7 coverage to 47 Middle Tennessee counties
- Is one of the largest clinics of its kind in the country, and
- Has been researching and training medical professionals about the epidemic of child sexual abuse for nearly 40 years.
That means we as Nashvillians have critical information at our fingertips that we can use to protect our kids.
Our Kids Soup Sunday at Nissan Stadium
Here are five facts every caregiver should know.
1. “Stranger Danger” Is Not Real Offline
Many of us who are parents now grew up hearing about “stranger danger.” It was typically paired with visions of a dark figure lurking in the corner of a playground, or a particularly weird old man in a van pushing candy. But until the internet made children easily accessible to predators? Stranger danger was a myth. (Even outside of sexual abuse, fewer than 350 people under age 21 are abducted by strangers in the U.S. in a year, according to the FBI.)
The fact is this: Ninety-five percent of children who are sexually abused are abused by someone they know and trust. That makes a child’s reaction to the abuse extremely complex. When children are abused by a family member or family friend, they’re naturally confused and scared. But they’re also more afraid to tell and more likely to blame themselves. They may be worried about what will happen to the abuser, who they often still love, which is one reason Our Kids cautions against saying phrases like, “I’ll hurt anyone who touches you.” This is also one reason allowing the death penalty as a punishment is such a complex issue.
On a related note, authority figures — the coach, minister, scout leader or teacher — are rarely perpetrators of abuse. It happens, of course, and it gets a lot of attention when it does. But it’s much more likely that someone who is already close to the child will exploit their relationship to carry out ongoing abuse.
Learn more about child sexual abuse.
2. Kids Need to Know Adults Aren’t Always Right
When it comes to protecting children, our default is often to tell kids to listen to adults to stay safe. It’s helpful guidance in many situations, but it doesn’t supersede the most powerful tool caregivers have to protect kids: communication.
Tell children that they can always talk to you if they don’t feel right about something a grown-up says or does. Tell them they will never be in trouble, you will not be mad, and you will be there to help — no matter what. And if a child does tell you about something that happened (which is termed disclosure), tell them you believe them and will help keep them safe.
In addition, teach children:
- The real names for their body parts, including private parts
Children need to be able to talk about things that happen to their bodies in a way others can understand. If you call a vagina a “cookie,” for example, and a child tells a teacher, “Grandpa touched my cookie,” the teacher probably won’t think anything is wrong, and a cry for help may get ignored. (“Cookie” may sound like a silly example, but this is a real euphemism a well-meaning parent used.) - Not to keep secrets
Tell your children to let you know if a child or adult plays secret games or tells them something bad will happen if they don’t keep a secret. A top priority for abusers is continued access to the child they are abusing, and that all depends on secrecy and shame. If you take away the child’s fear, you take away the abuser’s power.
Learn how to talk to a child about sexual abuse.
Our Kids staff outside their clinic
3. Children Rarely Show Signs of Sexual Abuse
It’s very difficult to detect sexual abuse. Most of the time — 93 percent — there is no genital injury to a child who is abused. This is because perpetrators don’t want to lose access to the child, so they try not to cause physical harm or leave traces.
However, young children — even preschoolers — are sexually abused. More than half of the children Our Kids treats are ages 8 or younger. Again, the best defense: knowledge and open communication.
Look out for warning signs of a perpetrator, who may:
- Act dominant, protective or jealous of the child
- Lack social contacts outside the family
- Misuse drugs or alcohol
- Turn to the child to get emotional and physical needs met
- Have unclear generational boundaries between parent and child
- Have a personal history of sexual maltreatment or abuse
Learn more about how to recognize child sexual abuse.
4. Most Kids Have Seen Pornography Online by Age 12
According to the Family Online Safety Institute:
- 58 percent of teens think it’s safe to post photos or intimate details online
- 27 percent of teens claim sexting is frequent and normal, and
- 93 percent of boys and 63 percent of girls report exposure to internet pornography before age 18. The average age of first exposure is 12 years old.
Why is early exposure to pornography a problem?
Research shows that early viewing of pornography can negatively impact a child’s development, leading to greater acceptance of:
- Sexual harassment and aggression
- Negative attitudes toward women
- Early sexual activity and risk-taking (not using protection)
- Unrealistic expectations, body dissatisfaction and depression
- Rape myths (assigning responsibility for sexual assault to a female victim)
This happens because a child’s brain is not equipped to process the adult experiences pornography depicts.
Learn how to talk to kids about pornography, and keep them safe online with this infographic and FAQs, developed by Our Kids and the Metro Nashville Police Department.
5. Everyone in Tennessee Is Legally Required to Report Concerns About a Child’s Safety
Child sexual abuse is a difficult topic, which is why many survivors never tell. But the fact is it’s happening — remember: 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 7 boys — and there is a legal mandate in Tennessee to report any concerns about a child’s well-being or safety.
The good news is that reporting is completely confidential, and you don’t need evidence — or even to be certain something’s happening — to report a concern at 1-877-237-0004. If you’re in Middle Tennessee, you may be referred to Our Kids or one of their four satellite locations:
If you are, know this: A visit to Our Kids is not scary. A medical exam will occur, forensic evidence may be collected, and children and families will be given as much time as they need to tell their story, ask questions and make plans.
What’s more, most children have no physical problems and can be reassured that their bodies are healthy. It can’t be overstated how important that assurance is. There’s a huge psychological benefit when a child gets medical care for sexual abuse because it:
- Shows them that trustworthy adults believe them and are taking action to help
- Allows kids (and caregivers) to ask all their questions
- Lets a child know they are going to be OK, and that no one will ever know what happened to them unless they choose to tell.
In fact, studies show that survivors with supportive parents are just as likely to grow up to have positive, satisfying relationships as those who were never abused. Because children are resilient — if we believe and protect them.
Learn more about:
