I'm saying all the things that I know you'll like. Making good conversation. I gotta handle you just right. You know what I mean. I took you to an intimate restaurant. Then to a suggestive movie. There's nothing left to talk about. Unless it's horizontally. Let's get physical, physical. I wanna get physical. Let's get into physical. Let me hear your body talk, your body talk. Let me hear your body talk.
Rayna
Here she is, that Rayna, kissing ol’ Luke Wheeler, aka Big Daddy Luke aka Lucius Wheels aka Lucky Weez, for engagement photos/press. They are discussing their celebrity couple name. “Ruke,” suggests a fool. No, Layna. “I’ll hashtag that.” “I’ll Retweet it.” All of these people are the worst. “Thirsty for my bae now that we’re #Layna #benghazi #chemtrails,” Rayna tweets (in theory).
She and Luke also get a standing ovation for entering a conference room. (Rayna is the normal, down-to-earth heroine of the show). They meet Luke’s dude who took him “from recording artist to global brand.” Luke is good at diversifying, make that money Luke. There is so much the two of them can do now with their powers combined — TV competitions! Christmas albums! Teddy bears! — but first the wedding date must be set. Their people pencil in November 1, an empty date during both of their tours. Rayna is making faces, because to her it is their WEDDING, not a publicity opportunity! Please remember that Rayna hates publicity.
Rayna tells her kids when she is marrying Luke. Maddie is once again awful and Daphne is once again unceremoniously kicked out of the room. Maddie is mad because she had November 1st down to go fishing with Deacon, and confronts Rayna about how she turned down Deacon’s proposal. Then she goes to Deacon’s house to yell at him, because no one on this show believes in cell phones. She later tells Luke she wants to push back the wedding date “for Maddie,” but Luke is like, “Your people met my people and we made a bargain! Bidness!”
Manager Bucky is trying to reason with Rayna over her fight with Luke, he wants them to make it up. “Isn’t this something you can do over the phone?” Haha Bucky, have you ever watched your own show? “Skype?” No. “Private plane,” says Rayna, the relatable star of this television program who is constantly affirming that she is irked by the trappings of wealth and fame.
So she pops up on Luke’s tour out of nowhere. My Internet is down at the moment, but I think she meets a woman and calls her “Sadie Stumps?” I’ll look it up when my Internet is back. (Update: No, I won’t.) Jeff is also there, and you know he is a villain because he is showing chest hair, confirms to Sandy Slumper or whoever that Rayna is a “classic” artist because she is an old hag over the age of 24.
Rayna, who hates publicity and false celebrity posturing, appears on stage to confront Luke mid-concert about their bad phone call. Deacon angrily calumphs offstage while they duet. She and Luke made it up, and are soon enough smoochin’ in a hotel rooms. She wants to combine their tours. “The Honeymoon Tour.” She takes off his shirt and you know Luke is basically a good guy because his chest is artificially hairless, like that of a professional swimmer or dog post-surgery. Check out his forearm! He wrote her name in Bic got a Rayna tattoo!
Upon returning home, she finds a sad Juliette on her porch. You know she’s sad because she’s wearing a hoodie. Juliette tells Rayna about her pregnancy. Say, how’s that going? Well …
Juliette
Here she is, that Juliette, all puke city like she just got home from the Best of Nashville party. But no, these are not party pukes — these are preggo pukes, the least party pukes of all. She tries to leave a voicemail for Avery to tell him about the baby, but it goes comically bad because this show has a fundamental distrust of any conversation that does not occur face-to-face.
All of this locking herself away to puke has made Glenn rightfully suspicious, so he and, um, Assistant, start snooping around in her house like a pair of lunatics. Juliette is understandably pissed. They think she’s on drugs, you see, and “we are your family.” “No, you’re my employees.” Haha she’s got you there! She’s already fired Glenn once, remember?
A Patsy’d up Juliette does some big-time Hollywood screen testing with Derek Hough, aka Deezy Heezy, aka A Dude Whose Name I am Familiar With But Do Not Actually Know Who He Is, Is He Like Some Sort of Ryan Seacrest? Their lines are something like “Fevah!” “Baybies!” “I rah-sented you!” “Cah-reer!” Patsy stuff. Not Ryan Seacrest wants to make post-work kiss faces on her, plus do some shots. She declines, and her reason is because of the pregnancy but I am choosing to believe it is because of his facial hair. Dude looks like the villain from an ’80s skateboard movie.
Back in town, Juliette runs lines to an empty car seat, readying herself to tell Avery about her pregnancy. But whoops! She sees him making out with a rando and then cries human tears.
Deacon
Here he is, that Deacon, dealing with Maddie regarding his tour with Luke. She doesn’t get why Luke is making him go. Haha, for Luke it’s a weird penis competition thing and for Deacon it’s a money thing, Maddie, come on. She is sad that Teddy, the man who loved her and raised her as his own daughter in a stable, happy home for 13 years, is not like her biological father, the impulsive alcoholic. She says she loves him. He says he loves her. Haha Maddie is just swimming in dads that love her.
Out in Hollywood on tour, we meet a new character. She is a backup singer for Luke, the Chekhov’s Hookup of the episode. I will call her Blonde Lady. I do not learn the names of Deacon’s temporary girlfriends. Remember the lawyer? Remember the journalist? Remember the veterinarian? Remember the astronaut? (Only one of those is made up.) His non-Rayna girlfriends aren’t actual characters, there are a series of aspirational career Barbies. He should box them and give them to Maddie for self-esteem.
He and Luke are soon enough hollering at one another over some slight that is either intentional or perceived. It really doesn’t matter. The two face off once again as opposing Easter Island heads of middle-aged masculinity, and Blonde Lady looks on, blondly and lady-ish. She later goes to Deacon’s room for a hookup. Obviously. Deacon sees Luke and Rayna in the paper the next day and is sad. Obviously.
Will
Here he is, that will, pumping iron with beard bro. They both have really good hair for doing hot gym workouts. Will says the only thing that will get him through his sham marriage is lifting all these weights all the time. It’s like the video for “Physical,” but less gay. The trainer says artists bring their trainers out on the road all the time, because he is hot for Will and also just really good at the hustle. A trainer on retainer. Make that money.
Will and sad wife Layla sing while being filmed, and she is holding onto his face like she is drowning and his head is the life vest. Jeff slimes in and is so mean to everyone and it’s hilarious. I love Jeff. Villains rule. The entire scene of an angry Layla screaming at Will is basically amounts to what would have been one of the greatest reality TV moments of all time, if their reality TV producer had any aptitude for producing reality TV. Layla is actually screaming about being disrespected. “I’m giving you kisses on demand!” says Will. “Hahaha,” I say. “I MAY BE GAY BUT YOU ARE INSANE.” Gold. Absolute solid gold.
Will needs to lift some more hot weights, and is sad. Trainer guy is like “I get it,” and it turns out he really gets it because boom, hot gay make-out. And it’s because of these hot gay make-outs that Layla goes to Jeff and threatens to out Will. Poor Will.
Gunnar
Gunnar is making guitar warbles like a baby bird who is a boy bird with feelings about a girl bird. Zoe busts in the middle of his recording and like, “HEY IS THAT A NEW SONG?” She wants to harmonize and he says no. She wants to work with him and do music again — what about this big party that wants them to play? They remember Avery was in their band of three lead singers (they are basically the Sharon, Lois and Bram of East Nashville) and assorted others, and gather him up from his awful ( … awesome?) life of sad partying and hooking up.
SOME OTHER NEW PERSON (entirely too many new people) appears in this episode. She knew Gunnar from olden days and has moved here to wait tables. She is talking to Gunnar and is like, “I remember your brother, how is he?” and Gunnar fails to tell her his brother is dead, for literally no reason. TELL PEOPLE WHEN OTHER PEOPLE ARE DEAD. Do you know how many etiquette books that rule is in? Zero, because some things are understood components of socialized adult behavior. It’s like an etiquette book advising against using poop as a wedding centerpiece. It shouldn’t have to be said.
Zoe is not having too much fun at this party (called Barn-aroo, I died of laffs), she’s trying to pull a drunk Avery out of there, but Gunnar is no help because he’s SXSW’ing re: emo’s w/rando. Pop into the Hermitage Cafe, suggests rando. Zoe is mad about Gunnar singing with Scarlett and not her, and is mad about Gunnar reminiscing with some pretty lady from Texas, but Gunnar says not to worry, that girl was just his first love (ha yeah normal way to get someone to not worry) and that she is “practically family.” These people have pretty loose definitions of family.
Anyway then Gunnar goes to the restaurant to tell the girl that his brother’s dead.
Scarlett & More Maddie
Scarlett, the actual unicorn from The Glass Menagerie, is meeting with a songwriter business person about how the market is desperate for female-driven material. All the buyers want fun nowadays, you see. “I can be fun,” Scarlett lies, so she heads out to what she has heard is called a “party” to do some research on this fun firsthand. She calls up David Attenborough to get some hot tips on what it’s like to observe such odd creatures (young humans) in their natural habitat (sexy parties), and Attenborough is like, “Get a life, nerd!” He sparks a J and hops on the back of a rhino while a hawk drops a martini in his hand. A gang of macaques gain the gift of speech and bust into a round of “Hakuna Matata,” and Attenborough says “To the Serengeti!” Attenborough is a big-time party animal. Scarlett pulls out her notebooks and scribbles (in Elvish) “parties = fun (?)”
You know who else is at this party with adult beverages? Maddie, a known teen. She tricked Teddy into letting her leave the house in sexy denims under a skirt. (Daphne also spoke to him, like “Molly asked me to go bowling but I can stay here and hang out with you if you want, you’re my dad, my real dad, remember how I love you, please love me,” basically, and Teddy was like “Haha no, get the fuck out of here.” Poor Daphne’s going to go Chuck Cunningham if she’s escorted out of one more room.)
Scarlett sees Maddie and yoinks that #teen right out of that raucous barn party (Barn-aroo, ha, that really tickled me) which is the right thing to do. Teens and their nefarious teenage ways of being the worst people are the quickest way to ruin an otherwise good party, and besides, now Scarlett has an excuse to leave and stop attempting fun. Scarlett and Maddie bond over how it feels not to fit in. Maddie is 14 years old. Scarlett is like, what, 25? Scarlett incorrectly attributes this normal teenage problem (also BTW Maddie was fitting in just fine before her cousin Miss Havisham dragged her away from necking with boys) to being “an artist,” because if there is anything true in this world and not just an annoying thing self-centered people believe it’s that artists just FEEL more than the rest of humanity. Trust me, I’m a writer. Scarlett advises Maddie not to act on those feelings, but to write them down. After all, what is actual life experience compared to the FEELING of experience?
So Scarlett decides to ignore the advice provided by the professional who is trying to earn money in a very competitive industry and write a song 4 #teens that they OUTTA hear, not the one they WANNA hear. Teens, historically, are huge fans of pandering. Can’t wait.
(Also, ha, Teddy, the handsome youngish mayor of a capital city and famous sympathetic widower, is denied at a bar by a lady who talks about cheese. That is not a made up sentence. It happened on last night’s television program.)
