The sun is setting on this season of The BacheloretteS. But as with most traumatic experiences, before we can move into happiness and acceptance, we must relive all the pain and tragedy that brought us to this lowly state. Welcome to the Men Tell All Special!
We start the episode in front of a live studio audience, which inexplicably includes a man dressed as Rambo for reasons I don’t have time to unpack, and JPalm tells us this season has been — you’re never going to believe this — the most dramatic in history. Congrats, folks! We’ve done it! He goes on to say we’ve had double the drama, double the tears, and I would like to add, double the nausea. Before we get to an episode of Men Tell All that is So Dramatic your brain is literally about to melt and ooze out of your ears, we have to finish watching the Hometown Dates, because apparently two hours last week wasn’t enough torture.
Aven’s Hometown Date
Aven is so forgettable they didn’t show his Hometown Date last week and literally no one noticed. We start this date in Salem, Mass. There is spooky music playing because 400 years ago the people of Salem killed a bunch of women for having opinions and speaking back to men, and honestly, what has changed? Rachel is very nervous that Aven’s family won’t like her and will throw her into a nearby body of water to see if she sinks or floats. Honestly, I wish she’d use the Devil’s magic on me to make me like this show.
Rachel is feeling extra nervous because Tino, her man of choice, had a horrible family who hated her. What if Aven’s family hates her? I mean, honestly, strong possibility. It’s especially risky because Aven’s family has hated every one of his ex-girlfriends. Methinks Aven doesn't have good decision-making skills. Methinks his participation on this show suddenly makes sense. Let me consult the witch doctor I keep on a retainer for dilemmas such as this — outlook not good, Rachel.
Rachel and Aven go into a magic shop and find a witch love doctor named Lorelei, and she casts a spell. I’m sad to report that this magical enchantment does not make these people interesting. Lorelei finishes the Satanic love ritual, and as she’s bidding Rachel and Aven adieu, the entire glass table holding all her candles and pentagrams and various witchcraftery crashes to the floor. “I hope that’s not a bad sign," says Rachel. “Ha ha ha, you’re definitely gonna die alone,” says Satan.
It’s finally time to meet Aven’s parents, who haven’t been in the same room together for seven years. I’m sure this will go great. Aven’s dad, Arthur, and mom, Dawn, both show up in color-coordinated outfits, and honestly, all I can think about is that maybe the spark isn’t dead for these two soul mates. Give us a show about Arthur and Dawn finding their way back to each other, ABC.
Aven’s dad is cutting through the bullshit from the minute they arrive, and he pulls Rachel aside to ask why she likes Aven, if her relationship with him would work in the real world, and if she’s ready to commit to him. Rachel gives the picture-perfect Bachelorette answer about being committed to this journey and taking this journey seriously, which is essentially the equivalent of saying, “World Peace,” in a Miss America pageant.
Rachel is more nervous to talk with Aven’s mom, but she pretty much immediately gives Rachel validation, which, let’s be honest, is all Rachel wants and needs in this life. Rachel, you're good enough, you're smart enough, and doggone it, people like you.
Afterward, Aven tells Rachel that he’s, like, falling for her. Inject that validation into her veins! She loves it. Jury’s still out on whether she loves Aven, but she definitely loves hearing that Aven loves her.
Back in front of the live studio audience and the Rambo impersonator, JPalm hits us with the startling revelation that Aven gets a rose at the Rose Ceremony. Doy, ya think? There are only three of them left after Rachel dumped the Jersey carny in front of the tilt-a-whirl. Of course they all got roses. This is not news!
It’s time for the Men Tell All, or as it should be called, The Men Tell a Little Bit and It’s Not That Interesting. JPalm starts by introducing the guys, and honestly, at least 50 percent of these men have definitely not appeared on this show before. They’re just extras sent by an LA casting agent, and honestly, I am not falling for this, ABC!
Before we get into the conversation where The Men Tell Some, we have to endure a recap of the season thus far, and I’m reminded that one guy said, “It’s history in the making.” Fair. Just like JFK’s assassination or 9/11, we’ll all remember exactly where we were when we heard there were going to be TWO BacheloretteS this season. (For the record, I am not old enough to have been alive for JFK’s assassination, but I went through a weird phase in high school where I was really into it and I interviewed every old person I met to ask where they were when it happened and, spoiler alert, they literally all remembered. It gives me hope that someday your kids will learn about this moment in history when there were two BacheloretteS and they'll interview every old person they know and we'll all remember. This is our grassy knoll.)
The convo with the bros starts off with a bit of chaos and way too many comments from Roby, a bleach-blonde magician who was literally voted off on night one. Cut his microphone! Why is he here? Why didn’t anyone tell him to dye his eyebrows to match his hair? Can I make him disappear? So many questions!
The men talk about Hayden, the guy who referred to the women as “bitches” and called Gabby “rough around the edges.” Hayden, of course, decided not to show up, and honestly, aren’t these guys legally bound to humiliate themselves on this show and all tangential episodes? What are we even doing here if asshats like Hayden can just decide “not to show up”?
It’s time for Logan in the hot seat. (As a recap, Logan was on Team Rachel, until he jumped ship to Team Gabby, until he got COVID and was kicked off the show immediately.) Look, guys, yes, Logan flirted with both girls. Yes, he made out with both girls. Yes, he accepted roses from both girls and then switched teams. But what you don’t understand, guys, is that Logan needed to follow his truth. Who are you, pitiful little viewer, to judge him? In reality, what Logan did was not actually that bad. I know we need a villain, and I will not ask you to put down your pitchforks, but it’s really not that big of a deal for a guy to be equally into two hot girls for the first couple of days of knowing them. JPalm thanks Logan for enduring his “tough questions,” and honestly, the questions were not that tough. They were basically like, “What’s up, bruh?” and “How was it?” JPalm is proving that he is this generation’s Walter Cronkite with these zingers.
Next, it’s time for Nate, who I love but who the Gen Xers tell me I should hate. Fortunately, I make a habit of ignoring Gen Xers because they’re not smart enough to realize that mom jeans look bad on literally every person’s body. Must we go through this again? Those giant pleats over your stomach are not doing you any favors, girls! Nate is looking great in this pine green suit, and it seems like JPalm agrees with me that Nate is wonderful. Some members of our viewing party (read: one embittered man) do not think Nate is great. Fortunately, I do not make a habit of paying attention to the opinions of men.
We watch a recap of Nate’s time on the show — which, to refresh your memory, was a beautiful romantic journey that Gabby ended because Nate has a kid and ewww — and Nate is getting very emotional all over again. I don’t care what TikTok says. I love Nate. Just let me be happy in my ignorance. Let me pretend we still live in a simpler time where someone seems great when you only know 1 percent of their personality and the earth’s entire population is not standing by to let you know that, in fact, the other 99 percent of their personality is garbage.
JPalm asks Nate what he’d want to say to his daughter, and Nate makes a very compelling speech about how much he loves her and how being her dad is the best thing of his life. So sweet. While we all swoon, the embittered man in the room points out that this is a good exercise because perhaps it’s the only way he’s actually communicating with his child. OK, rude. But also, possibly true?
JPalm confronts Nate about the Internet Rumors that he dated two women and kept his daughter a secret from them both for a year-and-a-half. OK, that’s not great, Nate. Can you give us a good explanation? Nate says he should’ve been more communicative, and lol, I don’t think that’s exactly the problem here.
Somehow, there’s still a million hours left of this episode, even though there is nothing of interest to say. We fill about 40 minutes with previews for Bachelor in Paradise (yes, I’ll watch, and yes, I’ll probably recap) and the new season of The Kardashians (lol wut?) and then it’s finally time for Gabby and Rachel. They talk about how challenging it is to “navigate” this “journey” of dating so many men and they’ve realized how many things they needed to “navigate” on this “journey.” Look, I appreciate that the publicist’s talking points included the words “journey” and “navigate,” and these girls are nailing it, but OHMYGOD, pick a different word! Perhaps you need to “maneuver” this “adventure.” Maybe you struggled to “direct” this “odyssey.” Have you tried to “guide” this “expedition”? Honestly, the possibilities are endless (if you own a thesaurus).
OK finally the show perks up when Billy Eichner and Luke Mcfarlane show up to promote their movie Bros. This is a gay rom-com and not, as I suspected, a show about 25 meatheads vying for love on television. Billy and Luke play a game called “Dating Dos and Don’ts” that is too dumb for me to explain, but it ends with Meatball taking his clothes off and pouring marinara sauce all over himself. I guess that’s a win?
At the end of the show, JPalm has a very serious heart-to-heart with Gabby and Rachel that feels a lot like Danny Tanner, Uncle Jesse and their weird struggling comedian friend Joey Gladstone having a Very Special Talk with the three young girls they’re raising. JPalm tells Gabby and Rachel they've made history and he’s “so proud of them.” Gee, thanks, spiky-haired former professional football player who once had sex with several women on this very program. That means a lot.
Next week is part one of the Fantasy Suites Dates (but I’m going on vacation, y’all, and my husband will divorce me if I attempt to watch this show in Greece, so you’re on your own). But I’ll be back for Part Two of the Fantasy Suites Dates, which I assume will be the real juicy meltdowns where everyone threatens to walk off this show and swear off dating forever. A girl can dream.
By the Numbers
Viewing Party Guests: 13 (7 women, 4 men, 2 kids)
Drinks Consumed: 31 + 2 lemonades
Minutes This Show Lasted: 120
Minutes That Were Interesting: 4 (and that's when we were eating the Dolly Parton-inspired cake that one of our guests prepared)
