This is Nancy Floyd reporting live from a Palm Springs retirement home, where 89-year-old Clare Crawley and her gentlemen callers are in a tizzy about a heated game of backgammon gone awry. It’s a new episode of Elderly Bachelorette, folks, and let me tell you — it’s a good one.
We pick up where we left off last week at the cocktail party, and anxieties are running high as the men wait to talk to Clare. They’re probably worried she’ll kick the bucket before they get their chance. That's fair. Yosef, a 30-year-old father of daughters, is very upset that Clare, the universe’s oldest bachelorette, made the guys strip down in a dodgeball game last week. He is determined to air his grievances and says he’s “ready to wash his hands of this atrocity.” You and me both, pal.
Yosef sits down with Clare and tells her that he’s seen several red flags in the 28 hours that he’s known her. He tells her he was appalled at the dodgeball game (which, for the record, he had no part in), and that it was humiliating, degrading, silly, immature and classless. He’s not wrong, but his tone could definitely use some work. He tells her she’s not setting a good example for his daughter and that he’s ashamed to be associated with her. To be fair, Yosef's decision to come on a notoriously trashy reality dating program is also probably not the best example for his daughter, but OK. Here's an idea: maybe let's not allow children to watch this show. Rather than just, like, be a normal human being and say, “It’s not a good fit, I’m leaving,” Yosef continues to attack Clare and everything she stands for. She tries to explain herself, he interrupts her, they yell at each other and Clare pulls out her signature line — “I would never want my children to have a father like you” — and then Yosef tells her she’s unfit to be a mother to his daughter. Clare walks away in tears, while Yosef just doubles down on his douchery and yells from across the lawn that he expected more from “the oldest bachelorette ever.” Again, he’s not wrong. She is, in fact, 108 years old, although her boobs are considerably younger. The guys jump to her defense, tell Yosef to calm down and one guy yells, “Take your ass home, bro.” I think this should replace “Take a few moments to say your goodbyes” as Chris Harrison’s new parting line every time a guy gets kicked off this show.
Future Husband Dale shows up in a skintight tank top and sport coat to save the day. He hugs her, kisses her and rubs his body on hers and Clare knows everything will be OK. She tells the camera that she’s “so falling in love with Dale.” It is day four. Clare returns to the group and tells them she’s canceling the rest of the cocktail party and moving straight to the Rose Ceremony.
Rose Ceremony
Clare apologizes and tells the guys she’s got nothing but love for them. Except, of course, for the guys she’s about to send packing. Roses go to Future Husband Dale, Zach C., Demar, Brandon, Jordan, Love Doctor Joe, Jay, Harvard Bennett, Eazy, Ben, Ed (“who is Ed?!” shouted three people at our party at the same exact time), Ivan, Boy Band Manager Kenny and Zach J. That means a few guys we’ve never seen before are going home. Chris Harrison addresses the group and says, “Take your asses home, bros.”
Group Date
Chris Harrison interrupts a poolside brofest to tell the guys that they’re all going on dates this week. Huzzah! He drops off the first date card and it’s for Chasen, Jay, Eazy, Jason, Blake, Ed, Riley and Future Husband Dale.
Meanwhile, Clare is pretending to journal in her room when there’s a knock on her door. Who could it be? It’s a woman who starred on this show 12 years ago, back when it was performed as a slapstick pantomime in circus tents around the nation. Former Bachelorette DeAnna shows up to talk to Clare about her experience, which turns into an hours-long conversation about Dale. At one point, they pull out a pair of Dale’s torn pants and sniff them. Whatever gets you going, I guess.
Clare finally shows up to see the guys and tells them that there was a daytime date scheduled, but she decided to cancel it (because she was busy snorting Dale's jeans) so they’re just going to have a longer cocktail party that night. The guys — who have been waiting on the couch staring out the window for hours like children of divorce waiting for their deadbeat dad to take them to the ball game because he promised to — don’t seem thrilled by this new development.
The group meets up, Clare does a quick toast and then Future Husband Dale asks if he can steal her for five minutes. He forces the gang to give her a group hug and then whisks Clare away. She takes him back to her suite and they decide to “talk” on the bed. They start making out for a literal hour, while the guys are just twiddling their thumbs back at the cocktail party.
Clare and Dale are rolling around on the bed when there’s a knock on the door. It’s Eazy, and there’s big Dad Just Found My Boyfriend In My Bedroom But I Swear We Were Just Studying vibes. Clare talks to Eazy for about 10 minutes before speeding her way through the rest of the guys. (We actually see her talking to a producer saying, “Can we just hurry through the rest of them?” Yikes!) As Clare is speed-dating her way through the other men, Future Husband Dale shows up, yet again, and Clare starts making out with him against a wall. When Dale returns to the group, the guys are pissed. Dale is not helping the situation by being like, “Oh, I had no idea she was in that room and then I tripped and my lips landed on her face.” He also claims to be the man "best suited" for her. Bold statement for a guy who wears low-cut tank tops under his suits. Clare rejoins the group and gives the date rose to Dale for “stepping up and being bold” … in bed.
One-on-One Date
Zach J. gets the one-on-one date and when Clare arrives to pick up Zach, she’s distracted by how cute Dale looks in his backwards ball cap. Clare takes Zach to the resort spa. Finally a date I can get behind. Zach J. has never had a pedicure so he’s giggling like a little girl the entire time, but Clare seems bored. Clare gives him an avocado facial and tells him it’ll help with wrinkles. Pardon me and Clare while we slather guacamole on our faces. Zach giggles some more and Clare tells the camera she wishes Dale was on the date instead. About 50 yards away, the guys are hanging out at the pool and starting a conspiracy theory that maybe Dale and Clare were in touch before the show started. What does QAnon have to say about this? Did Clare and Dale meet up at secret satanic rituals to make out and plot to eat children? Who can know for sure?
Clare and Zach are hanging out in the pool when she tells him it’s time to get ready for dinner. She leans in to kiss him but stops about an inch away from his mouth and acts offended. He seems very confused (as am I) because he clearly wanted to kiss her, but she seems to think he pulled away. Roll the tape! Zach gets out of the pool and goes after her, grabs her by the back of the head to try to kiss her again but she tells him not to worry about it and to just go. She is very upset about this confusing exchange so she sits in her room and cuddles her dogs (good choice) and sends Chris Harrison to break up with Zach. Seriously! Homeboy is sitting at the dinner table waiting for Clare to show up when Chris stops by and says, “Take your ass home, bro.”
Group Date
It’s time for the final group date and Clare’s batting 1,000 when it comes to wearing shorts on dates. She’s just really crushing this culottes with heels look, which I assume was a popular trend when she first started dating men back in 1950. Clare leads the dudes into a mini theater where Margaret Cho is waiting to tell them they’re doing a Bachelorette roast in front of a live studio audience (aka the other guys). The men get some time to write their disses, don some tuxes and then take the stage. They all go after Dale, and it gets progressively meaner as the night goes on.
Harvard Bennett uses his entire time to deliver a monologue about Dale, at one point accusing him of not being interested in Clare at all but having an ulterior motive of running for president? Huh? Clare isn’t fazed though because, as she says, “you can’t hate on love.” Oh, Clare, I beg to differ.
At the cocktail party that night, Clare pulls aside Harvard Bennett first to ask about — you guessed it — Dale. She proceeds to pull aside Ben and ask about — wait for it — Dale. And then she pulls aside Zac C. and wants to chat about — you know it — Dale. And then she asks Kenny about — hmmm — Dale. You get the picture. Kenny tells the guys he thinks Clare is so set on Dale that he’s wasting his time. Clare returns to the group and tells them she’s not able to give out the rose because she didn’t get what she needed from the guys. They lacked a certain — what's the word — Daleness to her.
Clare chats with one of the producers and says that she can’t give out a rose to the guys who dissed on her “fiancé.” OHMYGOD she’s batshit crazy. Clare, on behalf of women of a certain age everywhere, get it together! The men, fueled by their rage and probably a little bit by their steroids, plot to walk off the show, but ABC is making us wait until next week to see what transpires. Just a friendly reminder, folks, that this show will air on Thursday next week because there’s an even more terrifying and dysfunctional reality program airing on Tuesday.
By the Numbers
Viewing Party Guests: 7 (4 women, 2 men, 1 baby — all spread out at a safe distance in my backyard, don’t @ me)
Drinks Consumed: 11
Times Clare Wore Shorts With Heels: 3
Times Clare Uttered Dale's Name: 4,000
