This season of The BacheloretteS is drawing to a close, but ABC is going to prolong your suffering with a two-part, FIVE-HOUR finale. Is this necessary? No. That question and answer applies to both the finale and this entire television show.
I was traveling last week so I missed not one but two episodes where apparently a lot of shit went down in the Fantasy Suites. Two of our viewing-party guests watched the episodes, but when I asked them what happened, they could remember nary a detail. Recapping television is a highly specialized skill that, it is quite clear, a majority of the population does not possess. And for that I say, you’re welcome.
In an effort to drag this out as long as humanly possible, tonight’s episode starts in front of a live studio audience. “This will be the most talked-about finale we’ve ever seen,” promises Jesse Palmer, and methinks Jesse Palmer is a big fat liar with stupid overgelled hair. Rachel and Gabby join JPalm on the stage, looking freshly Botoxed, spray-tanned and with hair that is teased to within an inch of its life. “Such volume, such body,” exclaims a straight man at our viewing party. This is how magical their hair looks.
JPalm is hyping up the crowd and just when you start asking yourself, “Who the hell is this host and why is he here?” he reminds the audience that he was on this show once, a million years ago when it was just a series of cave drawings.
Rose Ceremony
This episode is already historic because it is the first time in history that ABC doesn’t force us to watch a 10-minute recap of last week’s episode, so I’m going in blind here, folks. The episode starts at the Fantasy Suites Rose Ceremony in Mexico where Rachel is standing in front of Zach, Tino and Aven. Zach pulls Rachel aside before she hands out roses and tells her that he felt like he didn’t see the real Rachel; he saw “the Bachelorette Rachel” and yeah, duh, ya think? There is no real Rachel. There is only lip filler, Instagram filters and hair so unbelievably voluminous it belongs in a shampoo commercial or an ’80s rock music video.
Zach tells Rachel that he felt “blindsided” by her being concerned about his age. (Apologies if you’re playing a drinking game where you take a shot every time someone says the word “blindsided” because, based on the previews for this finale, you’re going to be hospitalized with alcohol poisoning by the time it’s all said and done.) Our viewing-party guests who watched last week’s episode vaguely recall Rachel questioning whether or not Zach is ready for an engagement because he’s so young. Reader, he is six months younger than her. Zach, wee little babe that he is, decides to leave before he’s formally dumped by Rachel, and boy bye.
Rachel returns to Tino and Aven and tells the guys that Zach questioned her character (did he?) and that’s really disappointing (is it?), and then she proceeds with the Rose Ceremony and gives the roses to Tino and Aven.
Back at the live finale, Zach joins Rachel onstage to chat about their relationship. Zach apologizes for questioning her character, and Rachel apologizes for vague reasons, and Zach says he was feeling sick to his stomach all week, and I’m wondering if that was due to his relationship with Rachel or because no one told him, innocent little child that he is, not to drink the tap water in Mexico. They have a perfectly lovely and perfectly boring conversation where they wish each other the best. Ugh, give me drama or give me death.
JPalm asks if something bad happened behind closed doors on their Fantasy Suite date, and they both just say it was awkward from the start and I can’t figure out if this is code for bad sex or bad vibes. In any case, this conversation lasts an eternity, and I’m so grateful when it’s finally over and Zach goes back into oblivion or onto another show in this franchise. Teen Bachelor, anyone?
Aven Meets the Family
Rachel’s family, which includes her dad “Big Tony” who looks like a big toe in a neon-pink polo shirt, arrives in Mexico to meet Rachel’s final two guys. Her parents and her two best friends are eager to meet Aven and Tino. Aven is up first and Rachel prefaces the meeting by telling her family that he’s so attractive that their feelings are going to be hurt (hilarious but accurate) and that he’s the one person she always wanted to see when things went haywire on the show because he calmed her down. For a woman as emotionally unstable as Rachel, I think she should marry any man who does this for her.
Aven arrives with flowers for Rachel’s mom and a cigar for Rachel’s dad. Big Tony pulls Aven aside and says no one is going to take his daughter away without a good reason (yiiiikes), and Aven explains that he’s falling in love with Rachel. Meanwhile, Rachel tells her mom that she has no doubts about Aven and what an amazing partner he’d be. If I know anything about this show, I know that this is a sign that everything is about to be blown to smithereens. Why would the Bachelorette end up with a nice, lovely person when she could enter into a relationship with a volatile mess? Operation: Sabotage Aven begins now.
Rachel’s friends grill Aven about how ready he is for an engagement, and Aven admits that he’s: A) falling in love with Rachel, B) at a stage in life where he’s ready for marriage, and C) unsure if he’s ready to be engaged to Rachel in five days because they might need more time as a couple before taking that step. Her friends go on the defensive telling Aven that Rachel is not looking for a boyfriend, she’s looking for a fiancé (yiiiikes), and they immediately run to Rachel and say that Aven isn’t ready. Rachel feels "blindsided" (take a shot) and immediately pulls Aven aside to ask him about it, and oh boy, prepare yourself to want to throw things at the screen.
Aven, a logical normal human being, tells Rachel that he wants nothing more than to be with her at the end of this show but that he’s not 100 percent certain about an engagement, given the fact that she’s still in a serious relationship with another man and they’ve spent a total of three hours together ever. Aven tries to be open and honest about his questions and concerns, and Rachel starts sobbing. Like, full-on weeping. Did Big Tony just have a heart attack off camera? No, Rachel is upset to hear Aven tell her repeatedly that he wants to be with her at the end of this show, because she just wants to be engaged (yiiiikes). I don’t know how many men read these recaps, but quick poll — if you dated a girl non-exclusively for five weeks and she basically demanded an engagement ring, would you think that was cool or would you grow a mustache in an attempt to change your identity and hide from her forever?
Rachel has a breakdown and says she can’t trust anyone. That’s not an exaggeration at all. Glad to see how much Rachel is growing emotionally on this show.
Gabby’s Family
It’s time to switch to Gabby’s family, including her adorable grandpa, John, who is the true hero of this season. We find out in this moment — for those of us who didn’t watch last week’s episodes — that Gabby only has one guy left, E-Rich. Wait, what? Why are we even going through this charade if there’s only one dude left? Apparently, both Stoner Johnny and Boring Jason left last week but hell if I know why because the minds of those who watched last week’s episodes have been wiped clean of all memories of this show. Don’t blame them, to be honest, but come on!
Gabby’s grandpa continues to be precious and makes us cry, and the rest of her family seems to love E-Rich, hipster mullet and all. Gabby gets emotional because she doesn’t feel worthy of love, and her aunt encourages her to be vulnerable and honest with E-Rich. I like Gabby and I want her to find happiness, but ABC wants to relish in my misery so they give us about 12 seconds of this date and about four more hours of Rachel’s downward spiral.
Tino Meets the Family
It’s time for Tino to meet Rachel’s family. After that beautiful intro about Aven, her intro of Tino is basically “he got my first impression rose, his family hates me,” and honestly that sums up Tino perfectly.
Tino is incredibly nervous to meet the family and comes across horribly in every conversation. I don’t know if this is brilliant editing or if Tino is delusional, but this seems like the most awkward meeting that’s ever happened in history and Tino walks away feeling like he aced it.
Back at the live finale, JPalm asks Rachel about that difficult conversation with Aven, and honestly, JPalm deserves an Emmy for being able to keep a straight face during this conversation and act like Rachel’s desperate need to get engaged in five days is a valid, worthwhile concern.
Rachel and Aven’s Final Date
It’s time for Rachel and Aven’s final date. Rachel shows up at Aven’s room, and he immediately apologizes for upsetting her and tells her that he never wants to be the reason she cries. It’s a wonderful sentiment, but I feel pretty confident that Rachel’s barista probably made her cry this morning. No man is ever going to be exempt from upsetting Rachel. Make peace with that, Aven.
He tells her that his feelings haven’t changed and that he absolutely sees a future with her, but he wants a chance to experience real life together before getting engaged. Everything that Aven says is completely logical, rational and sane, but oh man, Rachel has a complete and total breakdown and tells Aven that he can’t give her what she needs. Reader, the thing Rachel “needs” is a televised engagement and it genuinely doesn’t matter who it comes from. Grandpa John could get down on one knee right now, and Rachel would be over the moon, although, to be fair, she could do a lot worse than precious Grandpa John.
Aven literally is in love with Rachel, willing to commit to her and wants to build a life with her, but he doesn’t want to propose to a woman he’s known for 12 minutes, which seems fair, but Rachel says it’s over. What?! Aven is momentarily blinded by the 8,000 red flags being shoved in his face, so he peacefully agrees to say goodbye. See ya, crazy lady! Fear not, Aven — you’ll forget all about Rachel in a few months when you’re dating 20 other women as the next Bachelor. (ABC, please make Aven the next Bachelor!)
Back at the live finale, they bring Aven out to chat with Rachel, and they politely rehash what went wrong with their relationship. Aven emphatically apologizes with all the delicate grace of a man tiptoeing around landmines and then Rachel emphatically apologizes for her role in their breakup, and I don’t know if ABC is scripting this or if this generation is just more tolerant and emotionally mature, but this “confrontation” is boring as hell. Why aren’t they yelling at each other? Why isn’t Aven pointing out the fact that Rachel told Tino she loved him? Why isn’t Rachel accusing Aven of lying to her? Why are they just being nice and apologetic and mature? That’s not why I watch this show!
Gabby and E-Rich’s Final Date
Gabby has her final date with E-Rich, and it’s going well until he says that he’s not positive about getting engaged. He says he loves her and he wants to date her in the real world before getting engaged (again, I repeat: very normal feeling to have), and at first, Gabby is like, “That’s cool, no pressure,” but then she runs down the hall sobbing as though E-Rich pushed Grandpa John down the stairs. She feels — wait for it — "blindsided" (shot! shot! shot!) by this revelation, and that, my friends, is where this episodes ends — a whopping two hours and 19 minutes after it started. We must wait in dreadful anticipation of THE MOST DRAMATIC FINALE EVER, and based on how absolutely miserable Rachel looks, I can guarantee that woman is not currently in a loving, committed relationship. See you next week for the most anticipated, most dramatic, most historic, most iconic finale in the history of finales everywhere. I assure you, I absolutely can wait.
By the Numbers
Viewing Party Guests: 6 (3 women, 3 men)
Drinks Consumed: 15
Number of Guys Gabby Has Left: 1
Number of Guys Rachel Has Left: 1
Hours This Show is Going to Drag On Despite There Being No Suspense Whatsoever: 3
