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Cue the Billboard Hot 100’s record-breaking, chart-topping single from Aug. 15 to Nov. 7, 1992, because this season of The BacheloretteS has come to the end of the road. If you have an inordinate amount of time on your hands and more self-loathing than you know what to do with, you’re in luck, because this finale is about to last three hours, y’all. Will I get paid extra for this recap? No, I will not. Will I make up for it in finding joy at this show’s outcome? No, I will also not do that.

We’re back to this stupid live format where we have to listen to Gabby and Rachel talk about absolutely nothing at all with Jesse Palmer in between clips of the pretaped finale. Rachel looks like she just watched her dog get murdered, and Gabby is all smiles in the sexiest dress ever, so my guess is this is gonna go really bad for one of them, but I won’t say which one. This is a spoiler-free zone. For me, anyway. JPalm starts the show by mentioning Tino’s “indiscretions” and Erich’s dramatic “text messages,” so clearly he has no problem hinting at what’s to come. Although, to be fair, he has to think of some way to trick people into watching this show for the next 17 hours.

Back in Mexico, we pick up where we left off last week, when Erich told Gabby that he wants to date her after the show, an absolutely reasonable thing to say to someone you’ve spent a couple days with, and she is having a complete meltdown. “No one can call me crazy,” she screams to an empty hallway while sobbing about a boy saying he wants to date her. These poor women have been so brainwashed to think that the only “success” is an engagement, and honey, there are so many other steps in a relationship. Many of them are good! Enjoy it, my babies! Gabby shows up at Erich’s room seemingly drunk out of her mind and he tells her he’s in love with her and he wants to work things out so they hug and kiss and all is well in the world. Let’s see how she feels when she comes down from those happy pills.

Meanwhile, Rachel shows up at Tino’s room for their final date and she tells him he’s her perfect match. We see a shot of Rachel at the live finale watching this and she looks like she’s staring at her dog’s murderer. She tells Tino that he’s the only one left, and he just stares at her completely blank-faced, emotionless and borderline sad. Seems like true love to me.

The next morning, Gabby and Rachel are talking about how in love they are. "Literally, dreams," says Gabby. Seems more like a nightmare to me but OK. The girls go on and on and on about how perfect their guys are and how they’re so certain these relationships are going to last forever. What could possibly go wrong? After all, this show has a [checks notes] 22 percent success rate. I’m sure Gabby and Rachel will boost those numbers right up.

Rachel and Tino

It’s the day of the proposal, y’all, and Rachel dons a makeshift wedding dress and Tino arrives looking like a limo chauffeur. Rachel begins her speech by saying, “I truly feel that this doesn’t feel real.” Beautifully said. I, on the other hand, truly feel like this feels like it’s taking 10 years off my life. Pretaped Rachel confesses her undying love for Tino while Present-Day Rachel shoots daggers through the screen. Her eyes are screaming, “ABORT! ABORT!!” but abortion is illegal now, so Pretaped Rachel must suffer the fate of being temporarily engaged to a man whose legal name is Justino.

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Tino tells Rachel he’s going to love her until the end of time. We’ll see, Tino. We’ll see. Tino gets down on one knee, gives Rachel a big fat Neil Lane diamond ring and they kiss as the music swells. Pretaped Rachel says this is the happiest moment of her life. Present-Day Rachel clearly disagrees. Rachel and Tino ride off on a horse — yes, on the same horse with Rachel riding side-saddle — and that’s a wrap on Rachel and Tino’s engagement. I’m sure they’ll live happily ever after.

Back at the live finale, JPalm points out the fact that Rachel looks like she just watched a litter of kittens drown in front of her. Rachel says that after the show ended, the relationship was challenging. There were many factors, you see — she and Tino were dating long-distance, they didn’t know each other at all, and they’re both very annoying people. But Rachel claims they were trying very hard to make it work — always a good sign when a two-month-old relationship requires “very hard work” — and then Tino cheated on her. It’s clearly very painful for Rachel to share this news and JPalm apologizes profusely as if he didn’t already know all of this information and isn’t forcing her to talk about it on national television. “Oh my God, how awful, Rachel. I’m so shocked and heartbroken to hear this. Please speak directly into this microphone and tell me and a few million strangers exactly what happened.”

Apparently, Tino told Rachel about his salacious affair over the phone, and you’ll never believe this but the cameras happened to be present for the first in-person conversation that Rachel and Tino had after that call. Before confronting Tino, Rachel chats with Gabby. Gabby tells her to kick him in the nuts, and honestly, that’s good advice.

Tino shows up to the Bachelor Safe House breathing so heavy that I wonder if there are tiny microphones shoved up his nostrils. Tino admits to kissing another girl — wait, he only kissed someone? — but he says it was because they were going through a difficult time. Tino references his journal where he tracked every mean and crazy thing Rachel ever said to him — wow, this relationship is truly a model for all couples to follow — and says that Rachel threatened to end their engagement and that Rachel blew off therapy, despite really needing it, lol. (I could’ve told you a long time ago that Rachel needed therapy, pal, but I think the bigger issue, again, is that this brand-new couple that had just started dating was already needing couples therapy.) There was debate over whether or not they were on a break when the kissing happened, and I’m getting real Ross-and-Rachel energy here, except that Ross actually had sex with the copy shop girl.

Rachel and Tino attempt to rehash their problems in the Bachelor Safe House and I don’t know if I’ve ever watched anything more unhealthy or cringeworthy than this conversation. I don’t even know who is more at fault. Tino refuses to acknowledge that what he did was wrong, and Rachel won’t actually let him speak. She keeps begging him to give her a reason, but then when he tries to explain how he was feeling, she shouts at him that there’s no good reason or excuse he could ever give her. They both keep accusing each other of lying and Rachel has the audacity to question the integrity of Tino’s Burn Book, so he keeps storming out of the house to cry in the yard. At one point, Tino is pacing the backyard shirtless on the phone. They genuinely seem like the most incompatible and immature people on earth, and yet, Tino tearfully asks Rachel if they can make this work. HAHAHAH. That’s gonna be a no from me, dawg. In one last desperate attempt to save face, Tino quickly splashes some water in his eyes and tearfully tells Rachel she deserves the best, all the while sneaking surreptitious glances at the camera to make sure they’re getting some solid footage of him being a Good Person. What a train wreck. I can’t say I’m terribly surprised given the fact that Rachel was in tears on night one of this show for some reason or another, but it’s still painful to watch.

Back at the live finale, JPalm seems on a mission to destroy the last shred of dignity that Rachel has left. Basically, he’s like, “Wow, that’s so brutal, how did it feel?” And “Remember when you were savagely dumped on this show a few months ago and then you came back as the lead but now you’re basically being dumped again? How much does that sting?” And, “Yikes, you’ve seemed to strike out repeatedly on the love front — do you think there’s any chance you won’t die alone?”

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As if this isn’t all excruciating enough, JPalm invites Tino out to the stage. About three people clap and someone boos. Tino repeatedly apologizes for what he did and tries to give Rachel context for what he was thinking, but Rachel is livid and defensive at everything he says. She demands an explanation but then gets angry when he tries to give one, and honestly, if this is a sneak peek of what it’s like to be in a relationship with Rachel, God bless any man who takes on the challenge. I’m so tired just from watching this. Tino, for his part, is so insufferably condescending and incapable of shutting up. These two truly are a match made in heaven — two of the most obnoxious, immature and insecure people you’ve ever seen. Enjoy your life together.

They argue for a while, and JPalm lets Rachel have the last word. Those words are basically, “Tino sucks!” Before JPalm puts us all out of our misery, he says there’s someone who demanded to speak to Rachel. Adorable Aven shows up to ask Rachel out! What?! How long has Aven been backstage? Was he in a soundproof booth or did he hear all that? Is he having major second thoughts? Aven, blink three times if you need us to rescue you. Aven whisks Rachel off the stage while Tino awkwardly asks JPalm, “Are we good? Can I go?” Bye, Tino. I assume you’ll have been completely wiped from my memory by the time I wake up tomorrow.

Gabby and Erich

We’re only halfway through this three-hour show so, I’m gonna be honest, we fast-forwarded through most of Gabby and Erich’s engagement, but the gist is they love each other and they want to get married. Based on the fact that Gabby doesn’t look like she just witnessed a murder-suicide, it seems like their relationship is not facing imminent collapse.

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JPalm invites Erich to the stage and he and Gabby practically dry-hump, so I think things are going OK for these two. JPalm asks about the latest, shocking “social media revelations” (those words should never go together) that Erich casually dated a girl for a couple weeks before going on this show. What a scandal! A hot man in his late 20s flirted with a girl and then went on TV and dated a different girl. How will anyone recover? Erich owns up to the fact that he led the girl on a bit and that he had doubts about whether or not The Bachelorette was “real” (lol same), but he told Gabby all about the texts way before they were leaked this week. Gabby confirms this is as big of a non-story as you suspect it is, and pretty much shrugs and says, “It’s fine.” Wow, a reasonable response to a dating conundrum from a contestant on this show. I never thought I’d live to see the day.

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That’s a wrap on the finale, right? Wrong. There is still an hour left to go. Why? How? Why? And most importantly, why?

JPalm tries to drum up excitement about the new Bachelor and it turns out it’s Zach, and I’d honestly rather watch a loaf of bread with googly eyes be the Bachelor. Gabby and Rachel had some seriously lame-ass vanilla guys competing for their hearts, but Zach is the most generic and boring of them all. I don’t think I can even watch this five-minute interview, much less an entire season with this guy at the helm. JPalm, for his part, says he's just happy the Bachelor finally isn't someone who looks like him. Umm, what now? Reader, I present to you, without a comment, a photo of JPalm and the new Bachelor side by side.

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JPalm asks Whitey McWhiterson how he feels, and he is excited for this “awesome” experience because he knows it’s going to be totally “awesome” and it’s “awesome” that ABC asked him to be the “awesome” Bachelor. Did he mention that it’s awesome? He can’t wait to meet “his person” because he’s looking for “his person” and it’s his dream to meet “his person” on this show. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again — and I say this as a person who has been happily married to a wonderful man for 20 years — people who refer to their partner as “my person” should be cast into the sea.

In a shocking turn of events that everyone saw coming, Zach’s generic Bachelor journey begins right now. He’s going to meet five of his contestants tonight, and America will choose who gets the First Impression Rose. First up, Brooklyn, a Texas blonde who lets out a string of expletives upon meeting him. My kinda girl. Next, Brianna, who makes him take a selfie. Third, it’s a Nashville girl named Bailey, who actually lives in California. Wow, someone moving FROM Nashville TO California instead of the other way around — a novel concept. I hope that trend catches on. Next, complete chaos in the form of Cat, a professional dancer from New York. Lastly, we’ve got another Nashville girl, Christina Mandrell, who brings him a mini bottle of Jack Daniel’s in her white cowboy boots and, yes, is related to Barbara Mandrell. If Zach chooses her, they’ll get to live at Fontanel.

America votes on the girls, and the First Impression Rose goes to Brianna. I’m absolutely confident that Brianna wants nothing to do with this lump of marshmallow fluff, but we won’t know for sure until the season airs in January.

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That’s a wrap on this dumpster fire of a season. I hope you loathed it as much as I did, kids.

By the Numbers

Viewing Party Guests: 7 (4 women, 3 men)

Drinks Consumed: 20

Number of Proposals: 2

Number of Broken Engagements: 1

Number of Engagements That Will Probably Be Broken in the Next Few Months: 1

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