It’s the Hometown Dates episode of The Bachelorette, which means we get to find out whose family is crazy, whose family is funny, and whose family loathes this show. As someone who can be described as all three, I find this episode particularly enjoyable. Now that Gabby, Rachel and the broskis have made a mockery of several major European cities, let’s follow along as they do the same all across America!
The episode begins with Gabby and Rachel packing their bags and disembarking S.S. Douchefest. It’s time for them to go their separate ways to visit the families of their remaining men. Gabby will be visiting three hometowns to meet the families of Jason, Johnny and E-Rich. Rachel will be meeting the families of Zach, Tyler, Tino and Aven.
Jason’s Hometown
Gabby arrives in New Orleans to visit Jason, and she rates the vibes 10/10. Based on Gabby’s sports dress and sneakers, I’m confident they’ll be playing tennis, but in reality, they dance in the street and throw beads at innocent bystanders. They meet Jason’s dad in the park and he’s very sweet and emotional, but he already refers to Gabby as his almost daughter-in-law and it’s like, whoa, papa — slow down, pal. He brings a box of beignets though so all is forgiven. He toasts them and says, “May the best days of your past be the worst days of your future,” and that requires a lot of mental gymnastics at this time of night on a Monday but I conclude that it’s actually a nice sentiment and not, as I was hoping, a curse.
That night, they go meet Jason’s mom, his sister and his sister’s boyfriend. All in all, it’s a big lovefest between Gabby and Jason’s mom and sister, which isn’t surprising because they all kinda seem like the same person right down to the nasally sexy baby voice they all speak with. What is it with this voice? Did all influencer wannabes in their 20s hold a secret meeting and conclude that this was the dialect of a new generation? Is it just a side effect of the lip fillers? Can they no longer enunciate so everything just comes out like “yaaaaaaahhhh” all the time? I am perplexed.
In a one-on-one chat, Jason tells his mom that he’s not ready to propose. This is a very reasonable thing for any person to feel after three weeks of knowing someone, but Jason’s mom acts like he just confessed to being a domestic terrorist. How will she ever see him the same way after this?
Zach’s Hometown Date
Rachel’s first Hometown Date is in Anaheim, Cali., with Zach. They ride bikes and then climb onto a roof to watch airplanes, which is something they both used to do as kids with their dads. I’m getting big Airplane Graveyard from Can’t Buy Me Love vibes with this date, but it is cute. That night, they go meet Zach’s family and we discover that he has a famous uncle — Patrick Warburton, who played Elaine's on-again-off-again boyfriend David Puddy on Seinfeld. I would like to use this moment to point out that Rachel was not yet born when Seinfeld debuted. In fact, she was not born until the end of season seven, just in case you, dear reader, want to contemplate how near you are to death and how Rachel’s life is truly just beginning.
Zach’s dad pulls Rachel aside and says he has concerns because they’ve been traveling to the most beautiful and romantic places in the world, and if you travel to these types of places, you could fall in love with a monkey. Wait, is he calling Rachel a monkey? Fear not — 10 minutes later, Papa Z refers to Rachel as Zach’s future wife. All these grown men need to pump the brakes!
Johnny’s Date
Gabby arrives in Palm Beach, Fla., for her date with Johnny, and of course Johnny is from Florida. They immediately go meet the family, and within 10 seconds, Johnny’s dad tells Gabby they’re all-in. Are these dads in love with these girls? JPalm, do you need contestants for the Senior Citizens season you’ve been teasing for years? If so, I know a few middle-aged men who are here for the Right Reasons.
Johnny sits down with his mom and admits that he doesn’t think he’s ready to propose. Horrors! He tells his dad the same thing, and his dad basically tries to talk him into getting engaged. Dude, you better make your move, Johnny, or your old man is gonna steal Gabby for himself. I can see the headline now: Florida Man Feeds Son to Alligator and Steals His Girlfriend.
Tyler’s Hometown
Rachel goes to Wildwoods, NJ, to meet Tyler’s family. They spend the day on the Jersey shore and talk about important Jersey marital concerns, like which tanning salon they’d host their wedding reception in and what’s the best body wax to show off your muscles. They get the boardwalk to themselves and play games, eat junk food and go on rides without any lines, and honestly — yes, good date.
The biggest revelation in this episode is that Tyler is a carnie! How has that not been a major storyline this season? He lives in an apartment attached to his game! Wait, what? How does that work? Does he just sleep atop a pile of balloons and pray he doesn’t roll onto any darts in the middle of the night?
Rachel meets some of Tyler’s friends at the pizza stand and she starts having a panic attack about not being ready to meet his family. She says it’s because their relationship isn’t as far along as her relationships with the other guys, but we know it's really because she got a glimpse of what her life would be like living in a carnival game trailer and she’s not having it. Maybe if Tyler operated the Tilt-A-Whirl she'd be able to see a future with him, but the guy is still working the basketball game. He clearly has no ambition.
She sits down on a bench with Tyler, tears in her eyes, and attempts to tell him she’s not into him. She’s struggling to get her words out, but her body language is screaming “I DON’T LIKE YOU!!” Tyler is not fluent in body language and interrupts her to tell her that he’s madly in love with her and thinks she’s the reason he’s gone through every hard time in his life.
She spits and sputters and sobs and finally manages to tell him she doesn’t want to meet his family. Tyler immediately transitions into his Bachelor audition, talking about how much he believes in love and how he knows this process can work. Can you imagine a carnie Bachelor? Picture it now: girls showing up on unicycles and juggling bowling pins and sexily eating corndogs, girls saying crap like, “I’d walk a tightrope to find love” or “You’re a deep-fried snack”, Jesse Palmer filming the teasers on the Jersey Boardwalk and saying, “Welcome to a new season of The Bachelor. Let the games begin!” The show practically writes itself!
They force Tyler to endure the humiliation of being filmed when he tells his family that he got dumped in front of the carousel, and I hope he remembers that on the ferris wheel of life, what goes around comes around.
Erich’s Hometown
We’re seeing a very different side of New Jersey in the picturesque town of Bedminster. Gabby’s waiting for E-Rich, looking like she should be starring in a shampoo commercial. Such volume. Such waves. She definitely has fake hair clipped in, right?
Gabby and E-Rich have a little picnic, and he tells her his dad has terminal cancer. He takes Gabby home, and it’s really sweet and emotional. It’s very moving to watch all of this, but why is E-Rich leaving his very ill father who could die any day to be on TV? I don’t love that.
They go to a very charming tavern that night, and E-Rich tells Gabby that, in Amsterdam, he told her he was falling for her, but now he thinks he’s falling in love with her. I genuinely don’t get the difference. On the plus side, E-Rich is the only one of Gabby’s guys who didn’t say he’s petrified of getting engaged, so maybe there’s hope for them yet.
Tino’s Hometown
Rachel stands in a field in Santa Clarita, Cali., when Tino drives up in a Jeep. The biggest thing these two have in common is their insecurity, so they spend their entire afternoon fretting about what would happen if his parents don’t like her. They spend an excessive amount of time on this topic, so you absolutely know this meeting is going to be disastrous. Cue Tino’s dad’s aggressive line of questioning.
Tino’s parents are immediately skeptical and grill Tino and Rachel. Tino’s parents both want to know what Rachel likes about Tino and whether or not she knows the real him. Fair question. They just lay into Rachel about how this is a fairy tale, it’s not real — they don’t really know each other, and it’s too quick to get engaged. To be fair, these are reasonable points, but yikes, these people are terrible. On the plus side, at least we finally found a dad who isn’t hot for one of the contestants.
Tino and Rachel leave the house, sit on the bench outside, and Tino tells Rachel he’s sure his parents adored her. Hahaha, what? Was he in the same house? Does he think abrasive language and harsh questions equal adoration? Oh, Tino, you need therapy too. Let’s all do a group session. The show is to be continued to next week when Rachel will have her final Hometown Date with Aven before the Men Tell All special.
The shows ends with a two-second screen in memory of E-Rich’s dad. This makes me sad. I hate when this show forces me to feel real emotions unless, of course, those emotions are loathing.
By the Numbers
Viewing Party Guests: 6 (4 women, 2 men)
Drinks Consumed: 10
Dads Who Wanna Date Rachel and Gabby: 5
Dads Who Wanna Murder Rachel: 1
