It’s a new week of The BacheloretteS, but more importantly, it’s my dog’s 15th birthday so we’re having a party for him and ending it by watching this trash television show. Join us, won’t you?
The BacheloretteS are walking along the balcony of a giant cruise ship that is definitely polluting the ocean and irrevocably harming endangered marine life, but who cares about sea turtles when Rachel and Gabby might find boyfriends? This week, the BacheloretteS and the BroS are sailing from Bruges (not a port town) to Amsterdam (also not a port town). That’s the magic of television! The ladies are nervous about this week because whoever they choose will be going to hometown dates, and the thought of meeting the men and women responsible for these doofuses is too much to bear.
The girls meet for a chat and, proving they’re as easily impressed as 3-year-old boys, are wildly fascinated by all the boats and bikes in Amsterdam. JPalm shows up to check in with the ladies, and they are EMOTIONAL because FAMILIES are about to be INVOLVED, and FAMILIES make them SAD. Same.
Gabby’s One-on-One Date
Gabby’s guys are hanging out in close quarters when a date card arrives. “Nate, let’s see where our love takes us,” says the date card. That means Nate gets a second one-on-one date (hooray!), but the youngsters at this viewing party inform me that there are some salacious rumors about Nate circulating on TikTok, and even though I love him with my full heart, he might actually be Bad (oh no!). Gen Z, quit ruining stuff for me! Let me be blissful in my ignorance.
We see, like, 20 minutes of Nate and Gabby walking down an Amsterdam street, and then Gabby pulls him onto a park bench and starts sobbing. Very normal date behavior. We’ve all been there. She tells him not to worry because she’s crazy about him, but then proceeds to dump him because she’s just not ready to be a mom. They hug and cry and talk about how much they like each other and kiss about 12 times and then he goes home. What …? I have so many questions.
Nate and Gabby both cry a lot about breaking up because they’re so in love. I mean, honestly, I have nothing but respect for how much Gabby must truly despise children. That is some deep hatred. I get it. Kids are the worst. That’s why I’m currently throwing a birthday party for my dog. Did I mention there are party hats? And giant 1-5 balloons?
Gabby rides alone in a boat while “Tender Music” plays, and she agonizes over whether or not she made a mistake. TikTok rumors aside, Nate seemed great so yeah, I think you’re a dumbass, Gabby. Good luck finding love with those Brobots waiting for you on the cruise ship.
Rachel’s One-on-One Date
Team Rachel is hanging out when a date card arrives. “Zach, let’s let our love bloom,” says the poorly written date card. “Wow, that’s pretty incredible,” says Zach. Incredibly bad. I’m convinced I’ve never seen Zach before, but Rachel informs me a few minutes later that she’s already had a one-on-one date with him this season. Seriously? This guy didn’t just show up this week? I thought he just wandered onto the wrong cruise ship in Bruges.
They meet in a tulip field and Rachel jumps into his arms, and our entire viewing party agrees that Zach has creepy vibes. I don’t think Rachel should be hanging out alone with him in a field in a foreign country. This definitely feels like the start of a Dateline episode. Zach and Rachel pick tulips and ride bikes and eat cheese and try on wooden shoes and admire windmills. I’m not falling for this whimsical Dutch crap. I refuse to be charmed. They end up in a hot tub in the middle of a tulip field — that hot tub was not placed there by God — and kiss while romantic music soars.
That night, they have dinner at a historic cathedral, and Zach pays his respects by shouting, “HELLO … Hello … hello … ” into the ceiling. Things get serious when Zach opens up about his trauma — he used to be fat. Rachel is so inspired by the fact that he faced such hardships (weighing more than he does now) and overcame them (losing weight). I mean, wow. They bond over their, like, total infatuation with therapy (therapy is sooo hot, y’all) and Zach tells Rachel he’s beginning to fall in love with her. I would like to take this moment to remind you of the Bachelor Romantic Hierarchy: 1) I could see myself falling in love with you, 2) I’m starting to fall in love with you, 3) I’m falling in love with you, 4) I’m in love with you, 5) Will you be my Instagram girlfriend so we can share followers?
Gabby’s Group Date
Gabby wakes up depressed about her breakup with Nate and decides to make her day even worse by hanging out with Logan, E-Rich, Spencer, Johnny and Jason on a group date. The date card says, “Let’s take our love to the edge.” I have an idea — how about you throw your love and yourselves over the edge of a cliff? Instead, the group walks into a red-lit room with a woman swinging a whip around. Is she going to savagely beat these men? Sadly, no. She is here to give them sex education. I think this is gonna take awhile. Most of these men probably can’t spell sex, let alone perform it. “S-E-K-S,” shouts gold-chain-wearing Logan to try to prove me wrong.
The Whip Lady asks their safe word, how many women they’ve slept with and if they masturbate, and they all giggle like middle school boys typing “80085” on their calculators in math class. Next, the men put on blindfolds and lie on the ground while Gabby sprays them with whipped cream, puts nipple clamps on them and burns them with melted wax. Normal things to try before deciding if you want to meet someone’s parents. “This gentleman squealed like a little girl when I clamped his nipples. I guess his parents didn’t raise him right.”
That night, the men gather for the cocktail party but Logan isn’t there. JPalm shows up at Gabby’s door and tells her that Logan tested positive for COVID-19!! You know this is serious because JPalm uses the virus’ God-given name. JPalm tells Gabby that the cocktail party is canceled, and then he tells the guys that the party is canceled because of “a situation with Logan.” Kinda feels irresponsible for JPalm not to tell these men they’ve been exposed. Is the host of The Bachelorette bound by HIPAA laws? These guys have all been living in the same 5-by-5 cruise ship cabin and breathing directly into each other’s faces for weeks. Kinda feels inevitable that they all have COVID. I love fabricated drama just as much as the next reality TV recapper, but I’m pretty sure these men should quarantine or something. Or hell, just cancel the whole season. While we’re on the subject, quick show of hands — how many of you men have been vaccinated and how many of you think the vaccine is a way for the government to track your movements and report them to ANTIFA?
Rachel’s Group Date
Over on Rachel’s group date, the virus doesn’t exist because these men are all eating cheese off the same toothpick and taking turns sucking Rachel’s face. The men compete in a traditional Dutch cheese-lifting competition, as one does when one visits Amsterdam. Ultimately, Tino is named the Cheese King of Edam, and honestly, that’s hot. I’m not one for feats of strength, but show me a man who can carry six giant wheels of cheese at once and I get fanny flutters.
That night, during the cocktail party, the men all tell Gabby how much they want to take her home to meet their families. Shockingly, all of these men are confident that their families will love Rachel, and I find that statistically impossible. At least one of these families is definitely going to hate her. Rachel, on the other hand, is loving all this reassurance and I’m happy for her because no one has needed this confidence boost more than her.
Rachel gives the group date rose to Tyler. Tino — a man we’ve decided looks like the offspring of Vince Vaughn and Gaston from Beauty and the Beast — is spiraling because he can’t understand why he didn’t get a rose when he “crushed today” and “hit every point.” I mean, the man won a cheese-lifting contest! Give him a rose! The other guys call him “a baby-back bitch,” and I think our viewing party is getting shirts printed with that on them next week.
Rose Ceremony
Apparently, Logan has died from COVID because he’s been eliminated from the show altogether. That seems extreme, especially considering the latest CDC guidelines recommend that you just quarantine for as long as it takes you to sing “Happy Birthday” twice. Gabby doesn’t feel comfortable meeting four families, so she’s only going to give out three roses. She gives them to E-Rich, Jason and Johnny. That means Spencer is going home. The only thing we remember about Spencer is that he brought chairs on the first night, and honestly, we’ll love him forever for that.
Rachel has already given out two roses — to Zach and Tyler — so she has two roses left. She gives them to Aven and the baby-back bitch Tino. That means lactose-intolerant Ethan is leaving. The man ate cheese for you, Rachel! Show some respect!
All in all, it was a good day for douches and a bad day for nice normal guys, which pretty much sums up every episode of this show.
By the Numbers
Viewing Party Guests: 10 (6 women, 3 men, 1 birthday beagle)
Drinks Consumed: 20
Wheels of Cheese Lifted: 6
Contestants Dead of COVID-19: 1
