Hey folks, Nancy is off this week and it's a good thing too because this might have been the worst episode of The Bachelor I have ever seen. Let's recap.
Rose Ceremony
As is standard operating procedure now, we begin with the cocktail party pre-rose ceremony and join the Taylor-and-Corrine fight in progress. Taylor is explaining that Corinne lacks emotional intelligence and maturity, which is weird because I thought "emotional intelligence" and "maturity" were the names of Corinne's boobs.
Anyhow, Corinne is like, "Whatever Taylor, you're not here for the right reasons," and I'm like, drink! (Bota Box Shiraz.)
One of the women, remarking on the drama and how real it is getting, says, “We’re women, we’re not in high school anymore.” I cannot imagine what high school was like for these people. In a conversation with Corinne, Nick encourages her to “continue to show that maturity.” Later on, her says, "These are mature women." Have mature people ever had to discuss their maturity this much?
As the ceremony begins, you can see Nick's breath in the cold Wisconsin air and I have an idea: Extreme Bachelor, which is the same show except it takes place in nearly uninhabitable locations around the world. Nick hands out the roses. Some people are sent home, but here's what matters: Taylor and Corinne both get roses. The producers of this show might be morally deficient, but they ain't stupid.
New Orleans
We're headed down South, woooo! All the women are thrilled to go to New Orleans because all the women (or men as the season may be) are always thrilled to go wherever The Bachelor/ette is taking them.
For the one-on-one date, Nick chooses Rache, who we last saw receiving the first impression rose on the first night of our journey. Her patience has been rewarded and these two seem to have a real connection, but I can't get past one thing. It is a proud tradition of this franchise to parachute into an American city or foreign country and commandeer the local culture for use in a horrifying segment of this horrible show. Here, that means a second line parade for Nick and Rachel. Later, Rachel reveals that she had a powerful personal experience that involved a second line parade and, in a way, that only makes this manufactured moment more gross.
More interesting is the fact that Rachel's dad is a federal judge. I want to interview him about President Donald Trump's executive orders.
Anyhow, Rachel gets a rose. She doesn't normally believe in fairy tales, but today was a fairy tale. Have I mentioned this episode is brought to you by Disney's The Beauty and the Beast? It is. In theaters next month.
Haunted Group Date
Here is all you need to know about the group date.
1. It includes everyone except for Taylor and Corinne, meaning they will be going on a two-on-one date with Nick. This show's producers might be monsters, but they ain't stupid.
2. The date takes place in a haunted house.
We watch as a group of adults, who know they are on a television show, get spooked by lights flickering. At one point, one of the women says, “I might not fully believe in ghosts, but I respect them.” I can relate. I don't fully respect this show, but I believe in it.
Later, Nick and Nashville Danielle make out (yay!) and Raven accidentally tells Nick she loves him. (So Raven.)
I miss who gets the group date rose because I went to the kitchen to get more Bota Box Shiraz in anticipation of the Taylor-Corinne date.
Taylor, Corinne and Nick in the swamp
Our date begins on a boat, moving through the Louisiana bayou. Alligators watch from all around. Spoiler alert: Neither Nick, nor Taylor, nor Corinne fall into the water. Once on (mostly) dry land, the trio meets with a Voodoo priestess, who asks to meet with them individually, giving each of the women some alone time with Nick. Corinne uses her time to tell Nick that Taylor "emotionally attacked" her. Nick is very concerned, so they make out in the swamp.
When Taylor gets her time in the woods with Nick, she's like, "Who me?" Nick is still concerned. Walking back, Taylor tells us that this is just beyond and that Nick and Corinne's relationship is built on "whipped cream and lies," which is one of the best things that has ever been said on The Bachelor. In the end, Corinne gets the rose because — say it with me — the producers of this show might soulless wraiths, but they ain't stupid.
Nick says a solemn goodbye to Taylor, and then he and Corinne get on a boat and leave Taylor in the swamp. Lamenting the end of her relationship with Nick, she wanders over to a Voodoo ceremony that happens to be going on nearby. And it must have been a moving one too, because just as the episode appears to be nearing its end, with Nick and Corinne sharing a romantic meal together, Taylor re-appears.
The episode is "To Be Continued," but — apparently realizing we can only take so much of this — the show teases next week's episode by appearing to reveal that both Taylor and Corinne are going home.
By the Numbers:
Viewing Party Guests: Zero. Unlike Nancy, I do not invite anyone over. She'll be back soon. Deal with it.
Drinks Consumed: Four glasses of Shiraz, straight from the box just like God made it.
Acting Attorneys General Fired During This Episode: One.
