Photo courtesy of ABC
If you derive pleasure from head wounds and aggressive displays of emotion, have I got a three-hour treat for you! This week’s episode of The Bachelor has all the blood, sweat and tears (so many tears) you’ve come to expect from a show about an average white dude dating a bunch of much younger aspiring Instagram influencers.
Good news, guys, we’re still in Cleveland and the women still hate Peter for letting Alayah back on this show. We open on the never-ending cocktail party and the women are just laying into Alayah for being awful. Peter pulls her aside and tells her that she’s a good person, but this is too much and he needs to let her go. Alayah does her best to cry and look sad, but it comes across as angry constipation. The remaining women go from feeling complete glee at Peter’s decision to dissolving into tears to being angry at him for wasting so much time. Yep, that’s pretty much the natural emotional trajectory of a group of prepubescent tweens on any given day.
Rose Ceremony
Roses go to Madison, Sydney, Natasha, Lexi, Hannah Ann, Shiann, Mykenna, Victoria P., Kelley and Tammy. That means three girls you’ve never seen before are going home. Who could’ve predicted this?
Following the Rose Ceremony, Peter tells the girls he’s going to take them somewhere international. Ha ha, good luck finding anywhere in the world that can top Cleveland, Ohio, you douche. He says they’re going somewhere with “lush jungles, active volcanoes and majestic waterfalls.” One girl guesses “the rainforest,” like there’s only one in the entire world. If we’re being honest, she was probably talking about the Rainforest Cafe, and OK yeah that would be a step up from Cleveland. In reality, Peter takes them to Costa Rica. The girls are super stoked that their resort is near an active volcano. Raise your hand if you’re hoping it erupts.
Peter arrives via helicopter and the girls immediately notice that he has a massive scar on his forehead. What did our fearless hero do to acquire such a gnarly gash across his face? Wrestle a puma? Rappel down an active volcano? Fight a rabid monkey? Nope, he bumped his noggin on a golf cart and then accidentally smashed a glass into his forehead. At least that’s his official story. I stand by my belief that he was so desperate to get away from these women that he stabbed himself in the face with a shard of glass. It’s something I contemplate doing every Monday night. Here is a gif of Peter's idiotic injury for your viewing pleasure. (We watched this three times at our viewing party, and honestly, that wasn't enough.)
One-on-One Date
Peter takes Sydney on the first one-on-one date. They helicopter over some majestic waterfalls and have a picnic in a field that looks like it could be in rural Ohio. They talk about how Sydney is mysterious and how Peter wants to learn more about her, and so they make out for awhile. The plumpness of her lips is about the only mystery he wants to solve. He tells her she’s the best kisser in the house and this is the happiest Sydney has ever been in her life.
At dinner, Sydney opens up about the challenges of not having a relationship with her dad and growing up as biracial in Alabama. After hearing her story, I think Sydney is great now. I also think she definitely has lip fillers. He gives her a rose and then they go make a baby in the hot tub, while ABC attempts to censor Sydney’s bikini with the weirdest attempt at swimsuit photoshopping I’ve ever seen. Like, just blur out her butt? There’s no need to put giant, moving black blobs over her butt cheeks to expand the size of that swimsuit. Ain’t nobody believing that smokin’ hot 23-year-old Sydney purchased these giant granny panties to wear on national TV.
Back at the hotel, Kelsey (aka Champagnegate) is crying about the fact that Peter is dating other women, and hoo boy, I don’t think I’ve ever seen that woman when she’s not in a state of emotional duress.
Group Date
For the group date, Peter takes Shiann, Kelsey, Victoria F., Madison, Natasha, Victoria P., Lexi, Hannah Ann, Tammy and Mykenna to a waterfall to pose in a swimsuit fashion shoot for Cosmo, a magazine that teaches millennials everything they need to know to be well-balanced adults like how to get bitchin’ brows and which dry shampoo really works and how to have a successful relationship with an aquarius (as if that’s even possible). This is supposed to be a Big Magazine Photo Shoot, but really it’s just one rack of swimsuits and one guy with a camera capturing these girls, frizzy hair and all. They don’t even clean everything up in post. If this isn’t a commentary on the sad state of print media, I don’t know what is.
Ultimately, Victoria F. “wins” the photo shoot after she makes out with Peter in her photos, which means she is chosen to be on the cover of Cosmo with Peter. They pose in another photo shoot (no hair and makeup team for this one either), and ABC pulls out those killer special effects yet again and attempts to cover up a sliver of Victoria’s butt cheek. I can’t even comprehend the level of cleavage we are seeing and yet the show keeps blocking out an inch of these women’s thighs ... ? Turns out Victoria F. didn't get her digital magazine cover after all because Cosmo pulled it when they realized she once modeled in a racist ad campaign (about fishing?).
At the cocktail party that night, Victoria F. admits to being 26 and says that depressing. (Oh god, I’m going to kill myself.) Then Peter says he’s the ripe old age of 28 and that makes him her grandpa. (Seriously, I’m going to throw myself off a building.) Peter goes on a face-sucking spree with woman after woman (Legit about to jump out a window), until Kelsey (Champagnegate) kills his vibe by talking about her feelings. I hope you’re sitting down for this because it’s going to be a shock but the woman who cried for a week about someone else drinking her Champagne is being very emotional and irrational about Peter talking to other women. She tells him she’s in love with him (yikes) and he just kisses her to shut her up.
Tammy, a bodybuilder from Florida, decides to tell Peter the truth about Kelsey. That’s the most Florida bodybuilderish thing to do. She tells Peter that Kelsey had an emotional breakdown and has been drinking too much. Look, I don’t want to take sides here, but if someone from Florida thinks you’re drinking too much, you might want to slow down on the secret sauce. Peter, king of subtlety that he is, immediately pulls Kelsey aside and asks about her “mental breakdown.” She starts crying as she refutes his claims about her emotional instability.
Kelsey returns to the group and asks who told him she was emotionally unstable. She says she’s not ashamed of her tears, she’s proud of them. She certainly wears them like a badge of honor. I’ve never seen her face without them. All of the girls tell Kelsey that, yes, she seems crazy, and she defends her stance that by crying 12 hours a day she’s the only one being vulnerable. Peter returns and gives the group date rose to Hannah Ann.
One-on-One Date
Kelley — the girl that Peter once “met” at a hotel before this show filmed — gets a one-on-one date and it starts by her admitting to the camera that she’s not sure if she’s that into Peter. Same, Kelley, same. They meet in a jungle and go to a hut to feel Jupiter’s energy. The only thing I know about Jupiter is that it’s where boys go to get more stupider so I’m not sure this is the planet I want guiding us today. The boys on this show are stupid enough already.
Photo courtesy of ABC
This date starts like any good spiritual cleansing session — with Peter and Kelley stripping down to their swimsuits. They burn some incense, seek wisdom from some candles and walk through a Trust Maze. Ultimately, when asked about the future of their relationship, Jupiter’s Magic 8-Ball says, “Outlook not so good.”
That night at dinner, Peter doesn’t waste any time asking Kelley if she actually wants to be there. Her answer is essentially, “Meh.” She questions Peter’s maturity and whether or not he’s ready for a real relationship because she keeps witnessing him rewarding the drama. Yes, Kelley! Preach! Ultimately, Peter gives her the rose and they make out under a waterfall. No, Kelley! No! (More swimsuit photoshopping happens here. Are all these women wearing thongs? What is happening?!)
Meanwhile, back at the hotel, the feud between Kelsey and Tammy is reaching new heights. Kelsey decides to show up at Peter’s house to cry in his general direction and tell him that Tammy accused her of having a drinking problem and popping pills. Peter loves that she came over to fight for him because — as he expresses about 14 times in this episode — he desperately wants a girl who is really, really, really into him, and Kelsey definitely is. He gives her an impromptu rose at his house, thus violating the sacredness of the forthcoming Rose Ceremony and disregarding all the laws of Bachelor Nation.
Kelsey walks back, sniffing her rose like she’s a cartoon princess, to find all of the girls ready for the Rose Ceremony. She very awkwardly explains that Peter gave her the rose, and that goes over as well with these girls as a platter full of carbs.
Rose Ceremony
Mykenna, the 22-year-old fashion blogger, is feeling very nervous about the Rose Ceremony because it’s “do or die.” That seems a bit dramatic, but sure. Chris Harrison shows up at the cocktail party to tell the ladies they’re going straight into the Rose Ceremony. The ladies are so pissed at Kelsey as a result, even though technically this change in plans is the result of Peter’s dumb decision, not Kelsey, but honestly they’re both terrible. The rest of the ladies start turning on Tammy, and there are 12 different screaming matches that I can’t keep track of. Mykenna is devastated that she doesn’t have time with Peter. Sydney thinks Tammy is psycho. Tammy thinks Kelsey has alcoholic tendencies. Mykenna is still freaking out, but now she’s also doing weird stuff with her tongue. It’s all very strange, guys. Mykenna is extremely emotional about not having time to open up to Peter at the Rose Ceremony. Look, guys, all she wants is to find a man who will take photos of her staring pensively into the distance while wearing a cute romper ‘til death do they part.
Peter makes a dumb speech that I ignore and, just as he’s about to give out the first rose, Tammy interrupts and asks if they can talk. She pulls Peter aside and asks what he heard about her. And then, before he can finish, Mykenna interrupts them and asks for a few minutes with Peter to share her heart. So I guess Peter’s big plan to avoid talking to these women didn’t work out so well.
Peter finally returns to the rose podium and roses go to Victoria F., Madison, Natasha, Victoria P., Mykenna and, after the world’s longest dramatic pause, the final rose goes to Tammy. TAMMY?! Oh, Peter, no, you didn’t. That means Shiann and Lexi are leaving. There are So. Many. Tears. And that’s just at my viewing party. How could you do this to us, you monster?! Shiann uses her final moments with Peter to tell him that a lot of the remaining girls aren’t as they seem, but before we can find out who, the episode is to be continued until … this Wednesday. Yep, there are two more hours of this show happening this week because we live in a world of chaos now.
By the Numbers
Viewing Party Guests: 11 (7 women, 3 men, 1 toddler)
Drinks Consumed: 19
Bad Swimsuit Censorship Attempts: 3
Bad Cleavage Censorship Attempts: 0 (let those babies breathe)
