This season of Bachelor in Paradise is limping slowly toward the finish line, but before ABC puts us out of our misery, we must endure three hours of the most contrived drama you’ve ever seen on this show. Scandal! Heartbreak! Mexican voodoo! This episode has it all and then so, so, so much more, most of it completely unnecessary.
This episode picks up where last week’s episode left off: Aaron and Ivan are brawling on the beach for Chelsea’s romantic interests. Ahh, there’s nothing sexier than grown men showing a complete lack of maturity, restraint and patience, amirite ladies? Immature and insecure men who immediately resort to violence and volatility to prove their manhood? Sign me up! To recap: Aaron, an adult man, likes Chelsea, an adult woman, that he met three days ago. Chelsea, the adult woman in question, had a conversation with Ivan and ended up kissing him. Aaron feels betrayed and is ready to defend his honor by beating Ivan to a pulp. God, I’m so bored. Chelsea’s hot, Ivan’s hot, let them make out in peace! There is an intense exchange of “bro” and “dawg” among all of the men on the beach while all of the women sans Chelsea watch. Aaron’s issue is that Ivan said he wasn’t going to try to steal anyone’s girl, but then he made out with Chelsea. Ivan claims that it was Chelsea who pulled him for a chat. Chelsea finally returns to the group and says that Ivan actually pulled her. INTRIGUE! Everyone is acting like Ivan just defrauded a charity for orphans and his integrity has been ruined beyond repair. They all think he is lying and scheming in order to get a rose. Of course he is! That’s the entire point of this show!
It’s time for the Rose Ceremony, but before it can begin, Bartender Wells says he has to address a SERIOUS ISSUE that happened the night before at the hotel while the group was sheltering from the storm. He pulls Ivan aside and gravely asks him if he has anything to tell him, like he’s fucking Mr. Belding and Ivan just got busted trying to sell Bayside High to the Russians. In one of the most bizarre forced confrontations I’ve ever witnessed, Wells presses Ivan to come clean about everything. A teary-eyed and shaking Ivan admits that at the hotel, he hung out with a girl from Peter’s season named Alexa. Wells wants to know how this could possibly have happened. Yeah, me too. Aren’t these people being watched and babysat by a staff of producers and cameramen at all times? If Ivan hung out with another girl, that was definitely set up by the production team. Ivan says there was a producer’s phone on the table with a screenshot of everyone’s hotel rooms, and he found out where Alexa was staying and they sat on her balcony for a while. Wells wants to know if Ivan recognizes the gravity of the situation. Uhh, the gravity of what situation? The situation where a hot single guy on a dating show talked to a hot single girl on a dating show, but had the audacity to do it off camera? I’m not exaggerating when I say that Wells is handling this situation as if they just discovered Ivan snorting coke off the body of a maid he murdered in his room. Wells forces a tearful Ivan to confess his sins to the rest of the contestants, who are just shocked and outraged at this violation, and march him down the beach shouting “SHAME! SHAME! SHAME!” Does no one respect the sanctity of the beach? If contestants can just go talk to other people all willy-nilly, what’s next? Kissing before marriage? Holding hands with someone you’re not engaged to? Ivan drives off, full of shame and regret, and says he’ll have to live with this mistake for the rest of his life. LOL no you don’t, Ivan. I hope you’ve forgotten all about it by the time you get to the airport. Better yet, I hope you’re drinking margaritas on Alexa’s balcony right now.
It’s time for the Rose Ceremony, assuming this horrified group can even find words after such a devastating scandal. Roses go to Joe (Serena), Noah (Abigail), Riley (Maurissa), Kenny (Mari), Thomas (Becca), Aaron (Chelsea), Ed (Natasha) and James (Tia). That means Blake, the man who made Tia's vagina dance, and Dr. Joe are going home.
The next morning, Wells shows up and tells everyone to head down to the beach to meet this week’s celebrity host. They go to the beach and … it’s Wells. Wells is the host. Why are we going through these charades? Between Wells’ big celebrity reveal and his emotional intervention with Ivan, we’ve added an extra hour to this show that’s completely unnecessary. I could be in bed by now!
Mari and Kenny — who have already dated, broken up, fought, slept with other people and started dating again — have hit a rough patch in their relationship. Kenny feels like all the passion is gone. After two weeks of dating. HAHAHAHA. Good luck, guys. I’m sure this relationship is meant to be.
Anna — a girl from Matt’s season best remembered for starting a rumor that a fellow contestant was a sex worker — arrives on the beach. Oh, we’re still sending new people in? OK! Anna pulls Kenny first and asks if he’d be open to going on a date, but he says no. She pulls Thomas next and he also says he’s out. James is basically the only man who is remotely interested so Anna asks him. They go to a fancy oceanside spa and it seems like they are just going to get a nice massage, but no, this show is determined to make us despise all good food, so James and Anna roll around in a sandbox full of cinnamon sugar and pour melted chocolate on each other to become human churros. Gross. Just when you think this date can’t possibly get worse, the massage therapist brings out massive snakes and puts them on their backs. Nope, nope, nope, nope and — I cannot emphasize this enough — NOPE. The date ends with Anna straddling James in a hot tub … full of piranhas. JK about the piranhas. Just wishful thinking on my part.
Mykenna also arrives on the beach, and OK, we’re still doing this, I guess. Mykenna was part of the VIP party a few weeks ago so she already met a few of the guys. One by one, the guys tell her they’re not interested. Aaron flirts with her during their entire chat and tells her he thinks there could be something between them, so she asks him on the date and then he turns her down because he’s not emotionally available. Oh come on. This guy. Mykenna cries on the beach, while everyone watches and kinda laughs at her from afar like a bunch of jackasses, and Ed walks down to comfort her. He offers to take her out on a date, and she’s like, “Nah, I’m good.” This is so cringey, I am literally hiding in my sweatshirt. I can’t watch! He spends about 20 minutes trying to convince Mykenna to go on a date with him, and please make this stop! I am dying inside. She still isn’t convinced, but he finally wears her down, which is how I assume he gets all dates in life.
On their date, they roller-blade around on the shiny marble floors of the resort. Is the date budget $25 this season? Seriously, how are all of these dates so dull? They skate into a room decorated with disco balls and kiss on the dance floor. Meanwhile, back at the resort, Natasha is spiraling about the fact that Ed, a man she met yesterday, is dating another woman. Then a Mexican witch shows up to clean Mari and Kenny’s auras. They sit around a fire and wave a smoke-filled chalice around each other’s bodies, while Thomas watches from across the beach and comments that this is “the most profound thing” any couple could go through. No disrespect to this process, but if you need Mexican voodoo to save your relationship after just two weeks of dating, I think you’re probably doomed.
Noah tells Abigail that he’s falling in love with her and he could see them working in the real world, and she responds with silence. Is it too late to get that Mexican witch doctor back? Maybe she can cleanse Abigail's mind of the memory of Noah's shady mustache.
The next day, the gang finds out it’s time for an ‘80s prom. Only two of these contestants were actually born in the ‘80s, so for the rest of them, this is like a historic reenactment. Anna struggles to understand what tubular means. “Like, we’re gonna tie some tubes?” she asks. I wish someone would tie her tubes.
Several of the guys do promposals — Kenny is, of course, naked for his — and Tia cries because she doesn’t have a date. Everyone gets all glammed up in their poofy-shouldered, neon glory and heads to the dance. The band starts playing ballads, and Tia just awkwardly shuffles around while everyone else couples up. Aaron pulls her outside, gives her a corsage and then literally mounts her and starts sucking her face. What is happening? Is this the man who just caused a ruckus on the beach in an attempt to defend his honor against Ivan for talking to Chelsea? And now he literally left his prom date to go make out with Tia? What a skeez.
It’s time for Wells Adams to put on his radio voice and present senior superlatives. Biggest Flirt goes to Kenny, Best Kisser (of Toes) is Maurissa and the Couple Most Likely to Live Happily Ever After is Abigail and Noah. Cut to a shot of Abigail saying that she finally feels ready to tell Noah she loves him, followed immediately by a clip of Noah saying that he doesn’t see a future with Abigail.
Joe and Serena are crowned Prom King and Queen, and everyone slow-dances to “Almost Paradise” while balloons drop from the ceiling. It wouldn’t be prom if the night didn’t end in misery for almost everyone, so Noah pulls Abigail and delivers the ultimate Bachelor blow: “I don’t know if you’re my person.” Abigail rightly points out that he literally told her the night before that he was falling in love with her. She goes to cry in the bathroom, and finally, this feels like a real prom.
By the Numbers
Viewing Party Guests: 2 (Me and my fellow glutton for punishment)
Drinks Consumed: 5 cups of coffee to stay awake for this marathon
Snakes at the Spa: 2
Snakes on the Beach: 1 (Aaron)
