Scarlett O’Connor (played by Clare Bowen) serves patrons at the Bluebird
Of all the characters on Nashville, none lends him- or herself to metaphor quite so easily as poet and songbird Scarlett O’Connor. Scarlett is a frequent target of greasy men, the thoughtless grind of the music business, and my own bad attitude. Thinking of fun, surreal ways to describe this oversized hat in a community theater production of My Fair Lady is my favorite part of every weekly recap. God bless her, that broken clasp on a Forever 21 necklace, that three-legged cat, that inconsolable howl of feminine frustration blasted into the heavens. Because I’m very nice and I’ll never have the chance to describe her again, I’ve compiled what I believe to be every description of that poor thing my brain has mustered:
A bottle of Avon Skin So Soft in the back of your grandma’s bathroom cabinet.
A tuft of cat hair on a wobbly lollipop.
That wisp of cotton candy in the rain.
A dusty peasant skirt.
A Morgellons sufferer.
An Island of Misfit Toys resident.
The Fredo of these Corleones.
An elf’s Christmas wish made real by the laughter of a thousand children.
The only woman Zooey Deschanel has ever accused of laying it on a little thick.
The overwhelming smell of a Bath & Body Works turned into a human woman.
An unused Anne Geddes pregnancy journal purchased by a 45-year-old woman.
A tube of Dr. Pepper Lip Smacker you found in your old closet at Mom’s house.
A bad sketch of a sexy fairy drawn by an immensely lonely 13-year-old.
A Disney Princess coloring book.
The long-sleeved dress the weird Christian girl in your class wore to prom.
A fleur-de-lis desk lamp in a freshman girl’s dorm room.
A Mulan-branded Dixie cup in your daughter’s bathroom.
The only character who has no friends.
The girl who told everyone she was going to be on the local news tonight because of that fire.
A child’s bucket of tarnished, gummy pennies.
A Popsicle stain down a 5-year-old’s dress.
A black-and-white photo of an antique button.
A dog-eared copy of The Baby-Sitters Club that your mom threw out without even asking
A Zeta Tau Alpha Spring Break ’99 T-shirt currently being used as a dust rag in an unhappy home.
The cookie jar of emergency cash kept by an old lady in Missouri.
The answer to the question “How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?”
A cigar box full of buffalo nickels.
A YouTube video titled “Funny Cat Versus Butterfly” that has 450 views.
The human personification of the Kid’s Table at Thanksgiving.
Charlie’s Brown’s “before” Christmas tree.
A defective fortune cookie with no fortune inside.
The virgin appletinis served at Rachel Silver’s bat mitzvah.
Every unread copy of Jane Eyre in the world.
A yellow Starburst.
A child’s drawing of a daisy, left trampled underfoot in a sandbox.
An off-brand Paddington Bear coat the slightly wrong shade of blue.
A bottle of booze stolen for a chess-club make-out party.
The discarded ballet slippers of a former prodigy with a broken ankle.
An airport snow globe if ever there was one.
A nerve case incapable of saying no.
A fistful of sand that can slip right through your hands.
A homeless child’s busted Tamagotchi.
A ladybug suffocating to death in cupcake frosting but somehow happy about it.
A raspberry that is worn as a hat by a mouse.
The actual unicorn from The Glass Menagerie.
A half-finished friendship bracelet that has been set aside for six months.
An old lady still in denial about Rock Hudson.
A puddle of vomited-up candy corn.
An old bluesman’s microphone left in a sack on a porch.
A crate of fundraiser oranges.
A pinecone-and-glitter Christmas ornament.
Who you can help for only nine cents a day.
Your nana’s mug of bacon grease.
A second-grader’s Valentine box covered in Pokémon stickers.
An icicle hanging from a hummingbird’s beak.
An unvaccinated preschooler literally carrying Scarlett fever into the children’s waiting room.
A neglected seventh-grade math workbook.
A roadside tourist stop filled with racist figurines.
Who smells like wet wool.
A jingle bell worn around the neck of a naughty cat.
A cross-stitched pillow that says “Bless This Mess.”
A Canadian penny rejected from a Coinstar.
A reclaimed barnwood coffee table that costs $2,000.
A cup of hot tea with an ice cube in it.
A miniature pair of wooden clogs purchased in Amsterdam.
A missing recap.
A Margot Tenenbaum Halloween costume.
A bottle of hand soap labeled “gluten free” for no reason.
A college freshman who just discovered Ani DiFranco.
A mildly creepy 1930s Christmas cartoon about orphans.
A church pew in a bar.
A “Sunday Funday!” invitation from your least essential friend.
A bottle of peel-off nail polish.
A faded plastic Rainbow Brite doll.
A woman who still has a weird crush on Disney’s Robin Hood even though he’s a cartoon fox.
A faded hologram kitty cat sticker on a child’s toy box.
A second-grader’s spelling test paper.
A kid too scared to go on the teacups at Disneyland.
A carefully rationed bottle of Gap Dream perfume.
The lisp of a skinny child.
A poor attempt at fan fiction written just this morning.
An East Nashville resident who spends a lot of time online complaining about condos in parts of town she never visits.
A second-grader’s Shrek Valentine cards.
A beat-up VHS copy of The Little Mermaid.
A child with hippie parents who has to pretend to like dark chocolate.
A quilt you said your grandma made but you actually bought at Target.
A discontinued Monopoly piece.
A failed attempt at a pink pussy hat repurposed as a tea cozy.
A geode paperweight on a desk with no papers.
A bitter herbal tea that you spent way too much money on so now you’re stuck drinking it.
A sacrificial hockey catfish.
A viral video of a bear cub frolicking in a kiddie pool.
A novelty coffee mug with a cute cartoon whale on it that says “Coffee Ahoy” (price, $35).
A Hot Topic purse made out of old license plates.
A yogurt parfait where the granola’s gone soggy.
A poor little cervix sitting in the corner with a dunce cap on (that’s literally a description that happens in this episode).
A gummy bear who lives under the sofa.
An organic bell pepper that you know costs way too much money.
A fictional character played by Clare Bowen.
A Christmas card that doesn’t arrive until February.
A peach with some kind of growth on it.
A thing of hand sanitizer that leaked in your bag.
A vlog with
A velveteen rabbit.
Valentine’s Day candy on clearance.
A packet of instant oatmeal.
A pair of jelly shoes that keep slipping off.
