Advice King

Comedian, musician, host of Chris Crofton's Advice King Podcast and former Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the “Advice King,” Crofton will share his hard-won wisdom with whosoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Facebook and Twitter, and to submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread[at]gmail[dot]com or editor[at]nashvillescene[dot]com.


 

Dear Advice King, 

I’ve been hearing a lot of people talk about “Delta-8.” What is Delta-8? I’ve seen it at gas stations. Should I try it?

Thanks!

—Martha in Goodlettsville, Tenn.

Hi Martha! My motto has always been, “Try everything at gas stations.” It’s written in fancy script on a flag I fly outside my house. I seal all my correspondence with a wax seal that says “Try Everything at Gas Stations” — in Latin, obviously. 

I have a motor yacht with that name too:

~TRY EVERYTHING AT GAS STATIONS~

                    Hollywood, CA

I’ve tried everything at gas stations, Martha. Ironically, I have found that those sex pills work great for almost anything that ails you except for sex stuff. For example, LARRY’S MAGICK DONG DETONATOR LOZENGES cleared my sinuses, but I’m pretty sure they made my dick smaller.

Re: Those sex pills. You know the ones, dear reader. Don’t pretend you don’t. We’ve all been to gas stations. We’ve all been to the counter. There they are, right next to the lottery tickets. The two American Dreams, side by side — cash and potency. First you win “jumbo bucks” and then you celebrate, using your jumbo sex drive. Ohhhhh saaaaay can youuuuu seeeeee ...

The most popular sex pills are called RHINO, by the way. One is called — really — “Rhino 69 Fire 500K.” It promises “Time, Size, Stamina and No Headache.” You gotta admit, it’s not every day you come across a product that promises TIME ITSELF, and no headache. 

Let’s break the name Rhino 69 Fire 500K down: It’s pretty obvious why they chose “Rhino.” Rhinoceroses are big, and they have a big horn. 69? Classic sex position. They used “Fire” because fire is hot. The best sex is usually described as “hot.” But, 500K?! What does that mean? You can have sex 500,000 times in a row? That’s WAY too many times. If you had sex once a day, that would take more than 1,000 years. Do you know how much it would cost to rent a cheap motel room for 1,000 years? 

But I digress. Again. What was the question? 

Ohhh yeah, Delta-8. 

“Delta-8” is fake marijuana. It is named “Delta-8” because the name “Delta-500K” was already taken by a sex pill. Delta-8 owes its existence to America’s nonsensical drug laws — it’s a workaround. Marijuana is still illegal in Tennessee — and a bunch of other states. Hemp, however, is legal. So, some resourceful/deranged scientists (?) figured out how to extract the THC from hemp. I assume they did this by squeezing the living shit out of it. They probably use the same squeezing machine that other scientists (?) use to get the milk out of almonds and cashews. We’re alive for the golden age for squeezing the living shit outta stuff, Martha. Juicing, Delta-8, almond milk, fracking, etc. 

America: There’s Nothing We Can’t Squeeze the Living Shit Out of — Including Our Residents™

Try everything at gas stations, Martha — EXCEPT THOSE HUGE BEEF JERKY ROPES. You know the ones, dear reader.

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