Advice King: Can We Heal the Divided America?

Comedian, musician, host of Chris Crofton's Advice King Podcast and former Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the “Advice King,” Crofton will share his hard-won wisdom with whosoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Facebook and Twitter, and to submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread[at]gmail[dot]com or editor[at]nashvillescene[dot]com.


Dear Advice King,

I keep hearing that the divisions in this country are too big to overcome, regardless of who's in charge. Do you think that's true, and if so, should I be scared or should I hold out hope that we can heal the divide?

—Denise in Alexandria, Va.

Fuck duvet covers. It’s like trying to put a shirt on a ghost.

I tried to answer the question without reading it again. I thought you asked me my opinion on duvet covers.

Hi Denise! Thank you for the question. I have written on this topic before. Here is the link

Here are some fresh Ruminations on Division™:

It’s the oldest trick in the book. Divide and conquer. 

“Let them eat conspiracies.” 

Get God out of it. God is not on either side. I’m not saying that there isn’t a God, I’m saying that He or She is not invested in American politics. When it comes to day-to-day human civilization, God is the economy. In America, the middle class is (was) God. 

Economic security is the ultimate deradicalizer. 

The “gig economy” is NOT an economy. It is the next-to-bottom rung of America’s informal caste system. The bottom rung is living on the street. 

The “gig economy” is the crumbs crony capitalism left for those poor unfortunates who lack cronies.

The “gig economy” could just as easily be called the “errand boy” economy, and the service industry could be called the “servant industry.” 

When 10 percent of the country is going out to dinner every night, and the other 90 percent are servers, it’s a rupture.*

More ruminating:

The “gig economy” leads to economic insecurity, which leads to loss of self-respect. Loss of self-respect leads to radicalization, ergo the “gig economy” radicalizes.

The “gig economy” — aka “the un-Christian no-benefits scam to get quickly-delivered sandwiches” — is destabilizing American society. It will ultimately lead to worldwide class-based violence. Oligarchs know this, and that is why they are literally attempting to move to Mars.

Wealth hoarding (what we in America have been brainwashed to call “success” instead of a disorder) is inherently violent. 

Hey, wealth hoarders! You better figure out a way to pass that money around, or the gig economaniacs will figure it out for you (pitchforks, torches).

Fuck the “gig economy,” and fuck the focus group that decided to call it the “gig economy” instead of the much more accurate “only economy that’s left when 50 people have all the money economy.” And fuck duvet covers, even if you didn’t ask about them.

And, finally: Empires fall. They always do. 

Fun stuff!

Here’s the good news: People survive. Empires fall, but people survive. And love is real. And love thrives in crisis. And ... TURN OFF THE TV, MOM — IT IS SCARING YOU.

Last thing: Go listen to the Bob Dylan song “Only a Pawn in Their Game,” because he says all the stuff I just said, using less words, in less than four minutes.

*You may be wondering what “it’s a rupture” means in this context. It means IT’S BAD. When I was in elementary school there was a song kids sang: “When you’re sliding down a rail, and your balls catch on a nail, it’s a RUPTURE! When you’re sliding down a rope, and your balls start to smoke, it’s a rupture!” If you’d like to read more about “The Rupture Song,” here’s a small thread about it I found on a 2008 striper fishing message board.

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