Nashville Nightmare
The loss of precious light and the coming chill signal that the mouth of hell is opening once again. The air will fill again with the revving of chainsaws and the cries of the damned as Middle Tennessee's seasonal haunted-house industry opens back up for Halloween business. Cutting through Music City like a knife through a boiled pumpkin, this year's haunts have one goal: to make you spring skull-first out of your skin. Zombies, freaks, mutants and demon hillbillies stand ready to stoke your nightmares — and that's just at the concession trailer.
Not all haunts are created (fr)equal. The best ones show verve, imagination, a showman's flair and attention to detail. They charge top dollar, and they reward it. They deserve your business. The bad ones? The ones that think you can just blink a strobe light a time or two while some listless teenage ghouls catch up on Pinterest? They suck. The Book of the Necronomicon isn't torment enough for them.
Allow me, then, to be your Ash, guiding you safely to the hottest haunts and the best attractions while giving the duds a taste of my boomstick. The amount of these attractions this year is inhuman (heh), and I will continue my mission to try them all throughout the month, reporting back on Country Life. If one wasn't included in the print edition, it may not have opened in time, or it may be on my list to check out. Regardless, if there's a haunt that didn't make the cut, drop us a line. Keep your eyes peeled for sick amusements I might have missed.
So empty those bladders and fill up that gas tank. You and your favorite group of upcoming fatalities are about to become the newest tenants in these condos of the living dead.
Nashville Nightmare
1016 Madison Square,Madisonnashvillenightmare.com
Price: $20 single admission, $30 combo ticket
Grade: A+
If you keep feeding the beast, its appetite will get bigger. The wranglers of Nashville Nightmare have done just that, somehow setting a higher bar each year for themselves and the local industry. Featuring two sickening amusements this year as well as a rave, the joint that put the "mad" in Madison doesn't disappoint, with easily some of the best makeup, acting and studio-caliber fragments of sweaty nervousness you're likely to encounter.
Horror High is back and better than ever. First, they've reconfigured the bus to the front and made some smart changes to the waiting line. Your spine will stiffen as the line gets you pumped just waiting for the principal's office — setting up one of the best hosts in review history. They don't read the rules this time around, and you'll always win points by treating patrons intelligently.
The improvements don't end there. The poor band and theater kids are clever choices as exceptional deaths. The carnival makes more sense this time around as well. The smells, the distant screams — the whole package remains fresh and memorable.
As a secondary shocker, Night Terrors is a great companion to Horror High. That subway train looks fresh from a backlot, and the bigger monsters appear to be in greater abundance this year. The winery and the study add chills as well as jolts, and the "crawler" pushes everything right to the edge.
The rave is OK to peep, but really just a moment to catch your breath. I do have to give them a hand for the degree of trepidation they instill in the crowd.
Death Yard Haunted Attraction
118 Midtown Court,Hendersonville
Price: $15
Grade: A-
If eye candy were likened to actual candy, Death Yard Haunted Attraction would be the Olive and Sinclair of the industry. It's a partnership fright-maker that uses locally sourced ingredientsto produce an all-natural product with unique flavors.
With a sense of mise-en-scène that stuffs as much as it can into every area — and cunningly misdirects your attention — you get sucked into every bit of Death Yard despite yourself. You know that your eyes are being diverted away from where you should be looking, and it has a hook in you before you can even notice.
The old-timey brick path to the crypt, the Dracup Penitentiary and the Big Top Meats are all A1 sets. Sticking to one "icon" in the horror genre makes for a stronger feel. A subtler sense of incorporating controversial images really helps the ghastly fester-ivities hit all the right points. For example, the Xmas scene, which has a well-hidden scare, puts a shrewd spin on last year's "toy drive" gag that put ants in the pants of the arch-conservative.
Bigger doesn't always mean better, something that's borne out by looking at other haunted attractions. At a price slashed to a starter of $10, how in the great name of Cthulhu can you pass up one of the best and cheapest thrills in Middle Tennessee?
The gathering atmosphere makes it a great hang, even for a little while. The music is always first-rate outside. But you should really hear that piano inside ...
Creepy Hollow Haunted Woods
2133 Joe Brown Rd, Spring Hill TN, 37174
Price: $20 All three attractions
Grade: B+
Beelzebub must be on “speed summon” with these folks. It's the only explanation as to how they pull off such a neat feat. When even the amusement's owners aren't sure how the monsters under their employ are able to learn the names of one of your friends and single them out, you've got something special here. You've got a personalized spookshow that disarms even the toughest people with you, making them go, “Oh, damn ...”
Add to that The Great Vancino, who performs a one-of-a-kind trick that puts a member of your party face to face with fear, and I maintain what I said last year about this being the most “interactive” haunt in terms of fright. The bus, the man-made cave, and the basement pack a bigger wallop than one of the Grither's basketball fists. Full disclosure: I didn't get to try the hayride here, though I did sit in on the storytelling preamble. I'm judging this place purely on the haunt, and for that alone I highly recommend it.
Clarksville Zombie Hunters
3975 Marthas Chapel Rd, Cunningham, TN 37052
http://clarksvillezombiehunters.com/
Price: Visit website for attraction pricing
Grade: B
On the subject of being “interactive,” Clarksville Zombie Hunters is nothing but. Five, count 'em five, fun things for your cadre to do when you shuffle through the muddy woods. Reaping the most fun this year has to be the Dark Room, an escape game that puts you in the middle of a grisly murder scene ... in total darkness. You're given nothing but 15 minutes and the advice to look for a light source in the pitch-black trailer. I didn't make it through, but I did have a blast.
Based on the green you'll be throwing down, I can't recommend doing all of the paintball games. Really, you're looking for something that fits your group. For target practice or the little ones, I recommend the shooting gallery. If you want a challenge of 15 rounds, accept the Zombie Mission. If you wanna keep it basic, just take the Zombie Paintball Hayride. It's a lively time to shoot the undead, and the superior zombie-paintball experience. Also, dress to get a little muddy.
Slaughterhouse
Slaughterhouse (presented by Full Moon)
3445 Lebanon Pike, Hermitage
Price: $20 Friday-Saturday, $15 Sunday
Grade: C+
After moving from downtown Nashville to the Hermitage area, the revived Slaughterhouse has a surge of fresh blood and is ready to do some damage. The problem is that it should be doing more damage than it does.
First, Slaughterhouse undercuts itself with fanboy con footage that introduces you to the haunt. If the video were cut and used as an in-house commercial, it would actually fit the theme of the old movie theater ads better. They could have a lot of fun with that.
Slaughterhouse also loses points for some of its fiends. Pinhead is an obvious mask, and what should be an atrocious murder scene by a shotgun-toting father just feels fake. They're really out of place, considering the awesome mummy, the eerily silent child-clown in the eight-door ring, and some great backdrops that now hide the top, tunneling you through.
At its best, Slaughterhouse is original, fun, and a good way to kill half-an-hour. It begins and ends on weak points, though. It can definitely do better, and you should definitely expect better.
Haunted Hell
3930 Apache Trail, Antioch
Price: $18
Grade: C
The list of people who puked, peed, and otherwise chickened out makes up for the obnoxious metal that plays outside while you wait. There are some great parts to this Antioch haunt, like that titanic devil that welcomes you to hell as you enter. There's even great production design, including the "innards walls" that really bare it all and the bedroom eyes coming from a leech man.
But Haunted Hell stumbles with its demonic denizens. Some of the monsters really pull their weight, such as the clowns — one even scales a wall to meet you on the other side. I hate clowns. But other workers flubbed the business completely. The maze shadows were too obnoxious to create any sense of dread, and the Michael Myers and Freddy characters' makeup looked right off the rack at Party City — actually, they weren't fully costumed by the time I made their stations at the end of the haunt. Follow that up with a malfunctioning chainsaw, and instead of the "witching hour" you've got "amateur hour."
Auburntown Asylum
776 East Poplar Bluff, Auburntownauburntownasylum.net
Price: $15 for the asylum attraction/$5 for The Yard Ragemaze
Grade: C+
I keep pulling for Dana Chapman and company, and I'd hoped I'd be giving them a higher grade than the C+ they got last year. That's because despite the criticisms I laid out, they've got the makings of a fine attraction: a good setting, a good gimmick, some good scenes rounded out by stalkers who stay in character, and this year some genuine scares added to the mix. When someone licks the inside of a washing machine — I repeat: the inside of a washing machine — that's commitment. It's also consistent to its lore and doesn't get busy with other things.
The problem is that if something works once — like the genuinely spooky crowdwork — you're likely to see it again. And again. And then the seams start to show, and that kills the illusion. Some makeup quality is not that good, and the hospital staffers are too nice to sell the situation. Making the hospital concept more hardcore (think more Arkham Asylum) would really sell this.
Whereas the side attraction The Yard Rage maze is almost beyond hope. Only the insane could get five bucks of bang out of this. It took me three minutes (damn clowns) to get through it. What purpose does that serve? Wasting time with an unnecessary distraction — like a cannibal's kiss, it leaves a bad taste in your mouth.
Skip the maze, and just admit yourself at the front entrance. It's an OK haunt-jaunt. It could be more.
Haunted Hell – Clarksville
1770 Madison St. Clarksville, TN 37043
http://hauntedhellclarksville.com/
Price: $18
Grade: C
Yet another gnarled limb from the Warner tree, growing from the same branch as the Haunted Hell – Nashville location. Much of the energy and many of the spots felt similar. I don't necessarily mind that, as one stroke of novelty alone makes it worth scoping out.
Namely, they're trying something admirable within the scare community: a policy with certain actors that attraction co-owner Patrick Warner described in a message as, “Don't touch us, we might touch you.” That's a big deal for haunt-heads: Physical interaction is strictly off-limits at most houses, for obvious liability issues, and a little harmless, well-managed interplay has the potential to yield big dividends for scares. Good move, Warners.
That said, the show opening night had more than a few bugs to work out, with the living dead so eager to scare they almost tripped over me. Don't get me wrong — I know I'd make a great victim, and I'm flattered to have so many stalkers. But the creepiness becomes a vaudeville routine when they can't all fit through the doorway.
The maze itself is genuinely complex. Too complex, maybe, as it's so exhaustive — and exhausting — that you're worn out by the time you straggle out, which somewhat dampens its entertainment value. Regardless, the Warners have put together something impressive with their Clarksville labyrinth. I don't think my friend ever made it out ...
Millers Thrillers Haunted Woods and Zombie Paintball
1431 Carters Creek Pike, Columbia, TN 38401
http://www.millersthrillers.net/
Price: Haunted Woods/Zombie Paintball $20/ Combo $30
Grade: C
I'm not gonna lie. For one marvelous moment, I reached the zenith of panic in Millers Thrillers. From out of nowhere rose a mist so glorious that Frank Darabont could have shot a sequel, and for a few minutes my hands were clenched in fists of fear (sorry, Don McLean) and I was ready to beat down anything that crossed my path. Which reminds me: I need to apologize to that child I punched. The fog finally lifted, placing us in the Clown Town 3-D Maze.
If the creeps here maintained that intensity from the start, this would get an A rating. Alas, we trek through too much mediocrity to get to this level, and it almost feels like two separate attractions. When you're going over the rules for a haunt with your patrons, I know witch way to Salem on the illusion — and it's not telling people to high-five your actors if they scare. You're selling terror, not the great taste of Mentos. Millers Thrillers lost some serious points with me for that, as I find that counter-productive to what I like to call “haunt theory” (scaring the shit out of people, for you plebes).
The paintball for the zombie hayride is still fun, but very much felt the same. We're still referencing the barn from The Walking Dead, which will eventually lose its potency. In the same tepid cauldron of familiarity, we have the haunted woods. It's gotten better from last year's snake of people, however, reaching into clusters of 12 or more trying to see a single scare.
Scream Creek Haunted Woods
1765 Martins Chapel Church Rd, Springfield, TN 37172
Price: Attraction of Your Choice + House of Terror $17.95/ Combo Passes Available
Grade: C
The Haunted Woods gave me a few chills, starting with its long snaking entrance. Wonderland's got a funny and freaky take on things, but the star this season is the graveyard set, which sticks with you after you leave. Even if you're not scared, you're at least not bored, and the effort that went into it is appreciated.
Their Zombie Apocalypse Paintball allows the zombies to get close to you (which is awesome for creating danger) but between the barracks experience and the shooting range, you're not really “sold” on the adventure part. It's an intriguing take, being close to the threat but able to defend yourself.
Perhaps if I had gotten there earlier, the clowns in the House of Terror would have had more vigor. Nobody wants a run-down clown. But the evening ran late, and the energy was a little low. And where was the Flash Light Corn Maze? These things need to be better marked.
Dead Land Haunted Woods
7040 Murfreesboro Rd, Lebanon, TN 37087
Price: Both attractions $15/ The Maze $5/ Combo passes available
Grade: C-
Credit where credit is due: The haunt has fixed the issues I had last year. No actors out of costume. No texting ghouls. No children of the night loitering around on breaks. Well done. But there were still a few people breaking character, and audible off-stage murmurs in certain places. Worse, someone on a two-way radio barked out a profane command to one of the teens who was supposed to scare me. It's hard to say which is more offensive: the cussing, or the intrusion of two-way radio chatter.
Collect yourself, Dead Land. The players here are dedicated, but they need direction. All the energy in the world doesn't amount to a hill of bones without the right leadership. That said, Slender Man on Stilts was a plus, and so was the waiting area to the Portal. Outside of that, not much of a “wow” factor. Also, their maze is a waste of time. The least they could do is offer a prize for completing it quickly.
Devil's Dungeon
510 Davidson St.,Nashville
Price: $18
Grade: C-
This place has rested on its laurels, and eventually it will rest in peace if it's not careful. To be fair, adding to the 3-D section of the walk with the Alice in Wonderland part was inspired. The bookend chainsaw scares are fun, and there are a couple of shrieks here and there in between.
The skinny? There's no controversy, no shock and nothing to earn the reputation as Nashville's scariest/most intense/most controversial attraction that its website claims. Even the homophobia nightmare Disco Queen (whose "strictly dickly" antics were at least good for chuckles and revulsion) was absent this year. I used to love the maze until it became navigable, and the hosts for the rules use a popgun to scare you because they can't.
Even if you've never been, you have to seriously question the claims made for a place charging 18 bones. If you want to charge that, trap Nicolas Cage in a wicker effigy and get back to me.
Bloody Acres Haunted Woods
318 Big Station Camp Blvd, Gallatin
http://www.bloodyacres.webs.com/
Price: $15
Grade: D
Even a guest leaving Hannibal Lecter's dinner party should have enough brains to see the red flags at some of these places. Such as when a business hasn't updated its Facebook page since last year. Or when it says “everyone loved it except past volunteers who are not allowed to come back.”
Having not volunteered for Bloody Acres, I can say that it's not very good, from catching someone on their cell phone to the only good jumps being at the front. Those first guys worked so well at getting me to check over my shoulder that most of the others started doing it too, making it the same bit over and over. And those were the enthusiastic ones. When I have to cough or cue those hiding in the shadows to, you know, actually come out, then you lose points with me.
Lacks a blueprint and an effective timetable for the monsters to be called a proper haunted house.
Meyers Creek Haunted Woods
4734 John Bragg Highway, Murfreesboro
facebook.com/MeyersCreekHauntedWoods
Price: $15
Grade: D
I've always said that all you need for a proper haunt are great actors: Make-up, production design, and music only add to the effect. Meyers Creek starts out with promise in that regard. The cold walk up to the cardboard-looking prison gave me a few jolts, with some sparked-up prisoners getting right in my personal bubble. They got me pretty good, and I congratulate them.
Outside of that, however, there's really nothing here, and it gets progressively worse. Too many actors running around with what sound like rice-shakers, which is terrifying only if you have an irrational fear of Uncle Ben. I've said this before, but Meyers Creek really needs to do something with its sets. I can't think of a single part that's progressed over the past few years. And at $15? I can sneak onto the Stones River Battlefield for free.
The low point was when I interrupted a clown posing for a selfie. If you're gonna do something wrong, at least do it right and play it up when we cross paths.
Monster Mountain
273 McMurtry Road,Hendersonville
Price: $18
Grade: D
Phoning it in went out with Scream, Monster Mountain. A seasoned attraction such as yourself oughta know that. Much of the problem is in the beginning. We need less pabulum and more panic, and replaying horror flicks forgotten by the mid-Aughts barely works as an icebreaker for waiting guests. There is no sexiness here, no anticipation of those lurking on the mountain's trail.There's more dread waiting to get hit up for cookies by Scouts outside Kroger.
There were a few nice touches — some cleverly placed distractions to set up a scare: the white portal; the cleaning up of that wretched clown maze at the front. But too many gaps remain; there are not enough good jumps and shrieks, and nothing that different from last year. Variety is the spice of fright. As I keep saying, treat this like a bag of fresh body parts and mix it up. Too many of these stations have easy-to-guess spots — for example, why not do something avant-garde with that dance club? It feels as dead as disco.
A damn shame, considering that this place launched other personnel and used to rule the haunted-house scene with a bony fist. Either it needs to step up its game or give up the ghost.
Death Row — 20 Years of Fear
418 Harding Industrial Drive, Nashville
Price: $15
Grade: F
I know what you did last summer. And it wasn't fixing your crummy haunted house.
One of the latest claimed by Warner Haunts LLC, this decaying locker of musty jolts gets moldier every fall. It promises Death Row and delivers all the terror of community service. In the same way that Freddy and Jason became staples after weathering so many iterations, one would hope that two decades would mean something. Especially if the place is under new management, and the advertisements specifically tell you that they're abandoning the stale tricks that haven't worked in a while.
Now, having gone through this retirement home for overused spook-show shtick, I fail to see how Death Row is a wise business investment. This pass, it's almost exactly the same.They removed the barriers between those exploring the place and those dismembering, but that turns out to be a really stupid move: It allows the mistake of crystal clarity, showing just how retro Death Row has grown. The acting was ... slightly improved, but having almost all high-schoolers as demented doctors and patients is a massive negative. If they were all capable, I'd say, "Go for it." But they're not.
Seriously. This place is walking the last mile. The highlight was hearing groups of teens complain how many Washingtons they'd just flushed. Heed their warning, and stay away at all costs. It's child's play.
Nashville Shores Halloscream
4001 Bell Rd, Hermitage, TN 37076
https://www.nashvilleshores.com/halloscream/
Price: Trail of Terror $15/Haunted Hayride $15/ Combo $25
Grade: F
Shorthand explanation for the grade, backed up by witnesses on my tour: Don't draw a Star of David when you mean to post a terrifying Satanic pentagram. The folks in your cabin are supposed to be practicing witchcraft, not bottling Manischewitz.
That sloppiness and inattention to detail are sadly typical. The Haunted Hayride raises your hopes with audio that has a great old-school feel. But you pass other cars along the way, which ruins the atmosphere. The actors who attack the hayride call so much attention to themselves with their cheesy taunts that they distract from the ride. Meanwhile, those who hang on the sides — a good idea with much possibility for fright — don't have a whole lot to do once they get there. Why not give those who literally jump to meet you more to do?
As far as the Trail of Terror goes, it's a walking dud. Not a single scare. There's no genuine attempt, and you've already figured out the mystery before the opening credits.
There was no thought put into this. Fangs but no fangs, Nashville Shores.
UPDATE 10-23 with reviews of Creepy Hollow Haunted Woods, Clarksville Zombie Hunters, Haunted Hell — Clarksville, Millers Thrillers Haunted Woods, Dead Land Haunted Woods, Scream Creek Haunted Woods, and Nashville Shores Halloscream.
UPDATE 10-31 with reviews of Bloody Acres Haunted Woods and Meyers Creek Haunted Woods.
Email arts@nashvillescene.com
