In 2014, comedian, musician, podcaster and Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the “Advice King,” Crofton shares his hard-won wisdom with whoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Twitter and Instagram (@thecroftonshow), and check out his The Advice King Anthology and Cold Brew Got Me Like podcast. To submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread@gmail.com.
Dear Advice King,
Why should I vote in local elections? What’s the point?
—Disheartened in Nashville
First of all, it’s great to be back! I haven’t written an Advice King column for Nashville Scene since May 3. Where have I been, you ask? RUNNING FOR LOCAL OFFICE! That’s where.
The column I wrote on May 3 was about whether a political system as awash in corporate money as ours can still be called a democracy. I argued that it cannot. Here’s the last paragraph: “In whatever shitty system we are in, casting a vote is the BAREST MINIMUM. It’s not enough. It’s time to show up to the hearings. It’s time to make people uncomfortable while they do their dirty business. It’s time to run for office — even if we don’t win, our very presence will make political life harder for the grifters. All I’m really trying to say is, IT’S AN EMERGENCY.”
After I wrote that paragraph, I read it. And then I took my own advice.
I ran for a seat on Nashville’s Metro Council. It was a great experience. I lost. Do you know why I lost, “Disheartened in Nashville”? BECAUSE I DIDN’T GET ENOUGH VOTES. That’s why. And that’s the reason you should vote in local elections: because they are decided by — wait for it — votes. They count the damn votes.
And before you say, “OK, but all politicians are the same” — ’cause I know you’re about to — allow me to interject. They most definitely ARE NOT. Not at all. How do I know this, you ask? BECAUSE I WAS ONE. And I am not the same as anyone. And neither are you, “Disheartened in Nashville.” We are all unique.
Chris Crofton
And if I was a politician — which I was — it means anyone can be one.
Now, when I say, “We are all unique,” I don’t mean to imply that we are all “quirky” and “fun.” There are plenty of grifters out there. And while they may make up only a small percentage of the overall population, it can seem as if nearly all of them run for office. I think nearly all of them do. Why wouldn’t they? They don’t have any friends. Who wants to be friends with a grifter? Nobody. They’ll steal your lawnmower. Or they’ll call a special legislative session to address gun violence, and then not show up. No one wants to hang out with people like that, except for other grifters and people who have no choice, aka lobbyists. Lobbyists are the lonely grifter’s only friends. Statehouses across the country have become toxic clubhouses for amoral misfits, as well as the lobbyists who are forced to play golf with them.
If only there were a way to reclaim these statehouses and turn them back into functioning, lawmaking facilities that convert people’s taxes into health care, housing and road repair — instead of subsidizing the NFL, seizing the medical records of transgender people and having state troopers tell the mothers of children who were killed in a school shooting that they can’t hold little homemade signs. If only there were a way to make sure the candidate in the mayor’s race who had a Proud Boy-affiliated consultant running her campaign doesn’t win.
Oh wait! There is! It’s called VOTING. It takes about five minutes to register, and about five minutes to do it. Local elections have such low turnout that you can basically walk right in and vote without a wait. I’ll put in Nashville terms: Recovering from a single hangover takes about seven hours longer than the entire voting process.
And there’s another way to make a difference: Run for office. Don’t worry about being underqualified, either. You are qualified. I repeat: YOU ARE QUALIFIED. If you are a nice person, you are EXTRA SPECIALLY qualified. Do it. It’s not even very hard. It’s the equivalent of maybe eight hangovers.
By the way, I got 13,000 votes! I am so grateful.
Fun fact: If I had gotten a bunch more, I would have won.
Fun fact 2: I am not a friendless grifter. Other folks I met during my campaign who are not friendless grifters: Freddie O’Connell, Delishia Porterfield, Quin Evans-Segall, Aftyn Behn and many others.
All politicians are not the same. Thanks, Nashville!
