Comedian, musician, host of Chris Crofton's Advice King Podcast and former Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the “Advice King,” Crofton will share his hard-won wisdom with whosoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Facebook and Twitter, and to submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread[at]gmail[dot]com or editor[at]nashvillescene[dot]com.
Dear Advice King,
I'm planning my cousin's bachelorette party in Nashville for next spring, but I've never been there. Where should we go? What should we do?
—Kayla in Minneapolis
Oh no! Nooooooooo. Have it anywhere but Nashville. In Nashville, the bachelorettes are having “barf wars” on Broadway. They’re “power barfing” on each other in big corrals — for prizes! It’s like American Gladiators except with White Claw vomit instead of those sticks with the pads on the ends. You can buy Music City “barf goggles” and “barf ponchos” in the Nashville Chamber of Commerce gift shop. The mayor gave a bachelorette the key to the city recently, and she barfed on him and said “One/nothing!” She meant she got one point for barfing on him!
The Country Music Hall of Fame has an “History of Appalachian Barfing” exhibit. The Frist Art Museum has a “Penis Straws Throughout the Ages” exhibit. Maskless people in assless chaps are playing Limp Bizkit songs on fiddles! Tractors spewing barf roll through the streets. Nashville’s Airbnb rentals have barf cascading out of them.
Tennessee is anti-mask and pro-barf.™️
I’m not gonna stop, so if you don’t like it so far, quit reading now.
Grand Ole Barfry™️
Why do Americans trust bourbon barrels more than syringes? How do you know there aren’t any microchips in Bud Lite Lime? Just questions — questions for bachelorettes™️.
We are all bachelorettes, Kayla. We are all doomed. Doomed to repeat the mistakes of the bachelorettes before us. Or are we? Do we have to let corporations dictate our behavior? Do we have to go to Nashville and barf? Must we all marry men named Scott who bleach their teeth?
Questions for bachelorettes™️.
Sure, come to Nashville. Barf all over the place. All the marriages of all the other bachelorettes who came to Nashville before you have failed, and your cousin’s will too. But that’s OK. Americans don’t learn from mistakes — that’s one of our defining characteristics! We believe myths! Oh say can you see ... us doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result.
Real advice, Kayla: DON’T COME TO NASHVILLE. Give your cousin’s marriage a fighting chance. Don’t follow the Dow Chemical™️, Sony Music™️, Marlboro™️, Nashville Chamber of Commerce™️, P.F. Chang’s™️, Anheuser Busch™️ Official Road to Divorce™️.
The Dow Chemical™️, Sony Music™️, Marlboro™️, Nashville Chamber of Commerce™️, P.F. Chang’s™️, Anheuser Busch™️ Official Road to Divorce™️
STEP 1: Bachelorette party in Nashville
STEP 2: Consume Anheuser Busch products
STEP 3: Barf P.F. Chang’s everywhere
STEP 4: COVID-19
STEP 5: Marry Scott — if you are still living
STEP 6: Get condo you can’t afford
STEP 7: Consume Anheuser Busch products together
STEP 8: Barf P.F. Chang’s everywhere
STEP 9: Get divorced
STEP 10: Repeat