Comedian, musician, host of Chris Crofton's Advice King Podcast and former Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the “Advice King,” Crofton will share his hard-won wisdom with whosoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Facebook and Twitter, and to submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread[at]gmail[dot]com or editor[at]nashvillescene[dot]com.
Dear Advice King,
Longtime listener, first-time caller. Do you have any suggestions for New Year’s resolutions? I’m on the verge of losing hope in humanity, so self-improvement seems pointless. I’m not in any mood to go to the gym. Help!
—Martha in Montclair, N.J.
You don’t have to go to the gym! Get a Pellington! Pellingtons are exercise bikes that show you movies of the Alps while you’re pedaling. At your house! In America! But you can pretend you’re in the Alps, where it’s too snowy to have an insurrection, and then you’ll be in a fine mood to exercise.
I don’t really know much about Pellingtons, Martha. I’m sure they show more movies than just the Alps. They probably have a bunch of different fantasies available. I bet they have a channel where it looks like you’re in a gondola, going down a Venice canal, pedaling past palazzos, but you’re actually in your American living room, just down the street from a Starbucks — perhaps a Starbucks where some other American fantasists planned a trip to Washington on Jan. 6, 2021 ...
Americans have too many fantasies. Whether it’s pedaling exercise bikes down the virtual Champs-Élysées or believing that a violent revolution will fix the supply chain, we are all deeply delusional.
I can tell you what resolution not to do: try stand-up comedy. We don’t need any more stand-ups. There are now so many fucking stand-ups that most stand-up is about stand-up. We need to restore the middle class so stand-ups have something to mock. Comedy isn’t just supposed to be a clinically depressed misfit saying “everything’s fucked.” Admittedly, that IS most of it — but there used to be some jokes about “normies” who made “a living wage,” too:
INTERIOR, COMEDY CLUB, 1978
Comedian: What do you do for a living, sir?
Man: I make a living wage.
Comedian: HA! You are stupid. And bowlegged. I am an artist. Your shirt is ugly.
*crowd goes crazy*
INTERIOR, COMEDY CLUB, 2022
Comedian: What do you do for a living, sir?
Man: I am also a stand-up comedian.
Comedian: Everything’s fucked.
*crowd has COVID*
Also, in a properly functioning society, 40 percent of the population shouldn’t identify as “stand-up comedians.” According to a 1982 World Bank report, anything over 3 percent is cause for alarm. In 2019, 56 percent of Americans described themselves as stand-up comedians. Forty-four percent said they were hot sauce entrepreneurs.*
I’m not blaming the comedians, by the way. I’m blaming the bipartisan corruption that took away workers’ rights to the point where the only occupations available to young people are Amazon delivery or crying into a microphone. We need unions!
Full disclosure: I am a stand-up comedian, and I may be, partly using this argument in the hopes of discouraging my potential competition. POSSIBLY.
Make a New Year’s resolution to be a union leader. Or at least a union sympathizer. Workers’ rights are the key to our future. Switch the fantasy channel on your Pellington** to “living wage,” and pedal into a new day.™
Too much?
*Source: P.U. Research Center, error margin +/- 40
**It has been brought to my attention that these are actually called “Pelotons.”
