I’ve been talking to some pro-cereal people around town and we all agree, the man Joey Garrison at The Tennessean calls “Middle Tennessee’s leading anti-tax crusader” should only be allowed to eat Raisin Bran. We’re launching a petition effort to add a referendum to the November 2018 ballot that would remove all other cereal from Sumner County shelves, leaving only Raisin Bran.
I know, I know, first, you’re surprised to learn that there are groups of people in town with nothing better to do than think positive thoughts about Raisin Bran, but we live in a capitalist society and, if products can’t garner an enthusiastic following, they can disappear. Raisin Bran enthusiasts like to poop; Raisin Bran doesn’t have an engaging social media presence to keep it in the public eye; ergo it’s up to the poopers to foster a fannish enthusiasm for Raisin Bran! Hurray bran!
Second, you’re thinking, “I live in Davidson County. Why am I supposed to care what Sumner County people eat for breakfast?” To which I reply, not just breakfast. We’re hoping to get Ben Cunningham to a point where all he eats is Raisin Bran and we need the whole county to participate or else he could just run to the Twice Daily and get a donut.
Third, you’re wondering why I personally want Ben Cunningham to eat so much Raisin Bran and, folks, I’ll tell you. It’s because I want Ben Cunningham’s colon to be free. Do I know if he has shitting issues right now? No, I don’t. I just sat over here in my county with nothing better to do than to decide to tell Ben Cunningham how to run his butt over in his county. Is it intrusive? Is it presumptuous?
Sure. Sure, it is. But I wrapped it in “freedom” and I pretended like a lot of people support my idea when really it’s just me and my dog, who eats poop and always seems to agree with me, which doesn’t say much for his judgement, but does make me think he knows a little about poop. And folks, after studying Ben Cunningham’s example, I feel confident that’s all I need.
Let’s look at Garrison’s story:
Middle Tennessee’s leading anti-tax crusader has launched a petition effort to add a referendum to the November 2018 ballot that would let Nashville voters decide whether to limit Metro’s borrowing capacity by capping the city’s debt level.[...]
“The major concern is the recent talk about the transit system and the $6 billion price tag that is being put forth of the possible cost,” Cunningham said. “(People) just don’t want to give Metro carte blanche to borrow as much money as they are proposing to fund transit.”
Nashville, take a moment to appreciate this. This dude, who doesn’t live here, let me repeat, he doesn’t live here, wants to stop the city from addressing our horrible traffic problems. He’s having to go around pitching this idea to our conservative groups because this isn’t something anyone who actually lives here would come up with on their own.
I have so many questions. I have family up in Sumner County and it has been my observation that anyone who drives to and from Nashville to and from Sumner County is encountering a butt-load of traffic. Regional transit would benefit Sumner County and Ben Cunningham. Ben, think about how often you have to come to town for photo ops! Wouldn’t it be easier if you could just hop on a train? If Cunningham has such strong opinions about Nashville and how we should run things, why doesn’t he move here? He already comes here all the time to talk to our conservative breakfast clubs.
But that’s another question! Conservative breakfast clubs? That’s like five old guys who sit at Krystal’s out there by the 70/100 split drinking coffee and complaining about their grandkids, isn’t it? I mean, really. After that, Cunningham probably wanders across the road to Bruegger’s Bagels and shouts about taxes while people nod politely hoping he’ll finish up soon so the gal at the counter can hear their order. But I refuse to believe those should actually be counted as breakfast clubs.
Nashville, regardless of how we feel about taxes or public transit or even Raisin Bran, can we not come together in agreement that, if Ben Cunningham wants to tell us what to do, he needs to man up and move to Nashville and become a tax-paying citizen. If he’s going to hide out there in Sumner County, then he should keep quiet about how we run our city.
