Advice King: New Year's Resolutions

Comedian, musician, host of Chris Crofton's Advice King Podcast and former Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the “Advice King,” Crofton will share his hard-won wisdom with whosoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Facebook and Twitter, and to submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread[at]gmail[dot]com or editor[at]nashvillescene[dot]com.


Dear Advice King,

Did you make a New Year’s resolution? I know I’m a little late on this, but I’d still like to do one! Any suggestions?

—Sally in Santa Fe

My New Year’s resolution is to attend more 12-step meetings. You could do that one. You could also resolve to attend less 12-step meetings — maybe you go to too many. 

Do you have any bad habits? I know you can’t answer me. How about resolving to give more information to advice columnists?

Oh! I have a great idea. You should do that thing where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy. It’s called “The Keto Diet.” 

Some rich lady who was drowning in knickknacks wrote a book about how the secret to happiness is throwing stuff away. Her house was probably full of broken salad shooters and copies of that book The Corrections. Remember that fucking book? I never read it. How am I still alive? Back in the early 2000s it was practically illegal to not read The Corrections.

I’m only guessing that the lady who invented this particular “joy” system is rich, but you gotta figure that poor people aren’t sad because they are surrounded by old Soloflexes and superfluous vases.

For your New Year’s resolution, go through your house and pick stuff up. When you are holding each thing, ask yourself if it “brings you joy.” Do those Mason jars you bought during the 20 minutes in 2011 when you were gonna learn how to pickle stuff bring you joy? No? How about the lamp that has needed “rewiring” since 1988? No? They go in the garbage! Feels good, right? Keep going!

Throw away those bald tires. Throw away that archery trophy. Throw away that slide projector. Throw away those Matchbox 20 CDs. Throw away all those weird shampoos in the bathroom closet. Throw away that hat. Throw away those shoes. Throw away your car registration. Throw away your sleep-apnea machine. 

Hold it ...

Don’t throw away your car registration or your sleep-apnea machine, Sally. 

This is the problem with The Keto Diet. Just because something doesn’t “bring you joy" doesn’t mean you don’t need it. My friend Josh threw away all his hangers. Hangers may not bring you joy, but having your clothes all over the floor will actually remove joy. He then had to purchase new hangers. Buying new hangers right after you just threw away a bunch of perfectly good hangers is not a big joybuilder.

My uncle tore the chimney off his house because he couldn’t pinpoint any joy coming from it. He said, “I looked at it, and I felt nothing.” A couple of days later he put a log in the fireplace, and burned the house down. None of this brought my aunt any joy, and she left him.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

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