Advice King: How Should I Plan for Retirement?

Comedian, musician, host of Chris Crofton's Advice King Podcast and former Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the “Advice King,” Crofton will share his hard-won wisdom with whosoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Facebook and Twitter, and to submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread[at]gmail[dot]com or editor[at]nashvillescene[dot]com.


Dear Advice King,

I am trying to save for my retirement. What stocks should I invest in? I have about $5,000 to spend.

Thanks!

—Leslie in Palm Springs

You have $5,000? Why do you need to invest? That’s plenty of money for retirement. Just live in the woods and eat bananas and peanuts. Drink rainwater out of an old paint can. Carve poems into the trees.

RETIREMENT POEM

Me and my bananas

My bananas and me

Rainwater from a paint can

Is all that I need

Oh, I see. That’s not good enough for you. You want a fancy retirement. You probably want to prance around the Mall of America every morning in a velour tracksuit, and live in a HOUSE. 

If I had $5,000, I’d start a small business — “Milk ’n’ Magazines.” People could sit and drink different size glasses of whole milk and read old National Geographics. No Wi-Fi, just a police scanner turned up pretty loud. Bathrooms.

FULL DISCLOSURE: I don’t actually know how much money you need to do anything. I also don’t understand the stock market. 

Here’s how I think the stock market works: Companies need money to buy goods (milk, in the case of “Milk ’n’ Magazines”), so they can sell them. To raise money to buy the goods, they sell “shares” of the company. Once they start selling a lot of the goods (a shit ton of milk), they give the shareholders a cut of the profits. If they don’t sell a lot of goods, they close, and everybody is fucked except the CEO, who gets $1 billion.

It’s all about goods, Leslie. And services. Goods, services, widgets, tax breaks and cronies.

OK, stock tips. 

ADVICE KING 2019 STOCK TIPS

  1. Apple — I’ve had my eye on this company for a while, Leslie. They make iPhones. 
  2. Google — Another little stock I like. This is the outfit that makes the famous “Google” search engine. I have a feeling that at some point they will start making real, regular engines. If these regular engines run even half as smoothly as their search engine, every car will have one, and the stock price will soar.
  3. Amazon — I see this name on packages pretty often; look into it.
  4. Whatever company makes bird cages. Birds are popular pets.
  5. Borders, Compaq, Toys R Us, Pan Am
  6. Halliburton — Oil and war will never go out of style!
  7. IPO — This company is always in the news. It makes “initial public offerings.” I don’t know what they are, but people are crazy about them.
  8. Coldplay — The band. Buy 100 shares of Coldplay.
  9. Milk ’n’ Magazines
  10. Hollywood Video

I hope this helps, Leslie. You can also send me the money and I’ll invest it for you. 

ADVICE KING 

69 Boo-ya Terrace

Beverly Hills, Calif. 90210

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