If you’re fed up with how light and carefree 2020 has been and are looking for some intense emotional drama to liven things up, look no further than this week’s episode of The Bachelorette! It’s got everything you could possibly hope for and more. Condescending speeches about emotional intelligence? Check. Shocking revelations about failed suicide attempts? Yep. Men struggling with their identities after broken relationships with their fathers? You betcha. Why deal with your own overwhelming sense of anxiety and dread when you can start carrying the emotional burdens of complete strangers?
We pick up where we left off last week: Tayshia is on a two-on-one date with Harvard Bennett, a James Spader character from an '80s John Hughes movie, and Formerly Mustachioed Noah, a teenager who just hit puberty and grew facial hair for the first time. The “men” are having a verbal slap-fight when Tayshia arrives and within five seconds, she’s like, “Is this what’s been going on? What the hell is wrong with you fools?” Just then, Tayshia notices the wrapped box on the table (that Bennett used for his “gift” to Noah, which included mustache socks and a book on emotional maturity). Tayshia’s all:
Tayshia pulls Harvard Bennett aside and accuses him of questioning her integrity by saying that she has a zero percent chance of ending up with Noah. He apologizes but then “well, actually”s the hell out of her by explaining the four pillars of emotional intelligence and how Noah doesn’t possess them. Very normal and cool stuff to talk about on a date. Bennett is 100% a robot that has been programmed to understand human emotion and he’s malfunctioning. This is what happens when you cloak artificial intelligence in Vineyard Vines and soak it in Dom Perignon. Consider yourself warned, robot makers of the world. Tayshia thinks it over and ultimately decides/is convinced by the producers to send Bennett home. Staying in character, Bennett “apologizes” and basically gives Tayshia a condescending speech about how he can’t believe she would choose a man like Noah over him. To be fair, Tayshia was basically given a choice between an entitled prick and a toddler with sketchy facial hair, so it’s not exactly what you’d call a win-win situation. When she returns to Noah, Tayshia basically tells him to wipe that smug grin off his face and that she can’t give him the rose either.
Cocktail Party & Rose Ceremony
The rest of the guys join the cocktail party and see Noah, who is on the couch sipping red wine while wearing white pants like a freaking psychopath! Tayshia greets the men and says, “Bennett is no longer with us.” Ohmygod, did he die on his drive off the property?! He died as he lived: wearing loafers with no socks and being chauffeured by a servant. Riley is the first one to steal Tayshia away and he has a cake prepared to celebrate the one-week anniversary of when he forced Tayshia to sign a legally binding contract to be his girlfriend. I think Riley is a robot but kind of a cute robot. Like, he’s probably a zany, fun-loving robot who will help you cheat on your homework and not the kind of robot who will eventually destroy all of humankind. Zac shows up next with a framed “wedding photo” from their date last week. She thanks him by swallowing his face. Then, Ben shows up and she swallows his face too. Kicking off Bennett clearly made her hungry.
The rose ceremony begins and the men are freaking out because they realize that three guys are going home tonight. Roses go to Brendan, Riley, Blake, Ivan and … Noah. Really? The caterpillar mustache lives for another day. That means Spencer, Ed and Demar are going home.
One-on-One Date
Jojo (remember her? She’s filling in for Chris) shows up and tries to razz the guys by reminding them that next week is hometown dates. What does that actually mean? Are they going to be traveling? Are all of their families currently in quarantine? Is this a safe and responsible decision, ABC? I need answers! Jojo drops off a date card for Ben that says, “Falling in love is full of surprises.”
Tayshia and Ben meet for their date at — you guessed it — a random spot on this resort that they’re not allowed to leave. Jojo arrives on a scooter looking adorable AF and you know Tayshia has to be slightly annoyed that this pretty young thing is replacing the haggard middle-aged man who normally hosts this show. Jojo has set up a scavenger hunt for them that ultimately leads them to the spa. They have a five-star resort spa to themselves and they just … sit on the terrace and talk about their feelings. Seems like a waste but OK.
That night at dinner, Tayshia tells Ben he seems too perfect and she wants to know the real him. After quite a bid of prodding, Ben opens all the way up and tells Tayshia that he attempted suicide twice (something he’s never told anyone), and I just really don’t feel like he should be sharing all of this vulnerable, personal information for the very first time on national TV. What’s the natural follow-up to this kind of heavy, intensely personal conversation? A private concert in the courtyard from some Nashville songwriter you’ve probably never heard of (or that lives in your apartment complex). Ben gets the rose.
Group Date
It’s time for a group date with Zac, Brendan, Ivan, Noah and Riley. The date card says, “The truth is that I’m falling in love,” which can only mean one thing: lie detector tests! Tayshia’s sexy sidekick, Jojo, will be administering the test. I really want her to ask the guys if they think she's hotter than Tayshia. Before the guys have to go under the gun, Tayshia volunteers to go first. Among the interesting things that her answers reveal: she thinks her husband is on this group date. This very sophisticated test, which basically is comprised of different colored Christmas lights blinking, leaves Tayshia with some questions. Is Zac going to cheat on her? Does Noah miss his mustache? Is Riley’s real name Riley? These are all questions that, according to the Christmas bulbs, the guys lied about.
That night at the cocktail party, Tayshia pulls Zac aside first and questions him about his past infidelity. Zac shares the dramatic, scandalous truth behind his adultery — he French-kissed a girl he was not dating at the Bowl-a-Rama when he was in sixth grade. How dare you, you bastard?! Once a cheater, always a cheater. Brendan pulls her aside and opens up about how nervous he is, as a divorced man, for her to meet his family, Meanwhile, Riley breaks down into tears thinking about sharing his personal family history with Tayshia.
Riley shares that he was originally named after his father, who he was close to for the first 22 years of his life, but ultimately, when he became a man, he realized there were problematic things about his dad. He doesn't actually reveal any specifics, but he ultimately changed his name so that he would no longer share a name with his father, hence the reason he failed the lie detector test when he was asked his name. Tayshia returns to the group and tells them she can’t hand out the rose after having so many deep, meaningful conversations with everyone.
Tayshia returns to her room and guess who’s waiting? If you’re hoping it was John Paul Jones, you’re going to be very disappointed. It is actually Harvard Bennett, the smarmy entitled villain from 20 minutes ago that you’ve already banished from your mind. First, he apologizes in the most generic robotic way possible and then he tells Tayshia HE IS IN LOVE WITH HER! Really? Really, Bennett?? Do you love her more than your Sperry’s boat shoes? Is she the one you want to summer with in Martha’s Vineyard? Is she the trophy wife you’ve been dreaming of since you were a little boy in boarding school? You’re a poor man’s Warner Huntington III and no one is falling for this.
Tayshia is dumbfounded and tells him she needs the night to think about it. He tries to kiss her and she’s like, “No, nice try!” The show ends there, which means we have to deal with this joker for at least one more episode. Jeeves, bring me my migraine medication.
