Comedian, musician, host of Chris Crofton's Advice King Podcast and former Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the “Advice King,” Crofton will share his hard-won wisdom with whosoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Facebook and Twitter, and to submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread[at]gmail[dot]com or editor[at]nashvillescene[dot]com.
Dear Advice King,
My 78-year-old mother watches too much Fox News. She is extremely worried about “cancel culture.” She’s afraid she’s going to be “canceled.” My mother is retired. How do I convince my mom that she’s not going to be canceled?
—Lori in San Francisco
She’s gonna get canceled, all right — BY THE GRIM REAPER. That’s the only cancellation she should be worried about. That’s the only cancellation WE ALL should be worried about. Unless she has a podcast. If she has a podcast, she better watch her step. I’m kidding. I don’t even know what that means, exactly. I’m not kidding about the Grim Reaper, though. That motherfucker is COMING. He’s coming for you, me, moms, podcasts — the whole works.
The Grim Reaper is coming for Sean Hannity, Laura Ingraham, Steve Doocy and Ainsley Earhardt. He’s also coming for Jake Tapper, Rachel Maddow and Joe Scarborough and Mika. Own the libs? The sun is gonna explode and OWN US ALL. The dinosaurs were famously canceled by a meteor. Cleopatra was canceled by an asp.
Metaphorically, the United States Congress is a gaggle of jabbering skeletons, yelling into skeleton cameras operated by skeleton camerapeople, beamed into skeleton televisions. The same skeleton congresspeople, televisions and cameras that will populate the windswept graveyards of our not-so-distant future.
Elon Musk is a wealth-hoarding skeleton — one of the worst types. He recently hosted Saturday Night Live. Saturday Night Live is one of corporate America’s premier skeleton showcases. It’s on NBC, a network owned by Comcast. The board of directors of Comcast is populated by some of the scariest skeletons around, including the one that runs DuPont Chemical. It does not surprise me that Comcast would attempt to normalize wealth-hoarding by employing a charmless billionaire to host America’s premier skeleton showcase — a comedy show, ostensibly. It’s a comedy, all right — the “Upper Hell” of Dante’s Divine Comedy, where the gluttonous reside.
WOW. I shouldn’t have done acid that one time(s).
People reading this column might be thinking, “Why does this asshole always talk about the fact that we’re all gonna die? We know that already!”
I agree! It seems as if it should not be necessary to remind mortals of their imminent deaths. But if everybody “knows this already,” why are we acting like such dicks?
NEWS, not just Fox News — the whole mainstream modern information landscape — is a pornographic fear hayride designed to make people buy stuff. No one needs to know all this bad news. Bad news is a fact of our deeply flawed, unexplainable existence, and buying identity theft protection, gold, freeze-dried meals or Lamborghinis WON’T FIX IT. Guns won’t fix it. Titillating yourself with dark, unlikely scenarios — MOM GOT CANCELED BY THE WOKE MOB — won’t fix it.
All we can do is be kind, locally. Jesus was canceled by his own dad, and he still managed to do this. Fear is the enemy of love. Tell your mom to settle down.