Comedian, musician, host of Chris Crofton's Advice King Podcast and former Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the “Advice King,” Crofton will share his hard-won wisdom with whosoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Facebook and Twitter, and to submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread[at]gmail[dot]com or editor[at]nashvillescene[dot]com.
Dear Advice King,
How do I know that I'm stable enough to get a new car? I've had my current car for nine years and it's got a lot of miles on it. Plus, I want something with better gas mileage.
—Nick in Nashville
I think you are ready to get a new shirt, Donald. Nine years is a long time.
OH MY GOD! I did that thing where I try to answer the question without reading it again, AND I GOT IT RIGHT FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER! Except your name isn’t Donald, and I said “shirt” instead of “car,” BUT SO FUCKING WHAT — I’M A PSYCHIC!
Wow. I don’t know what to do! Should I join the circus?! Do they have psychics at the circus? So much to learn! This reminds me of the time I predicted that my friend Fran had mustard in her refrigerator AND SHE FUCKING DID.
OK, sorry Nick, it’s just that … I’m a PSYCHIC, BITCH!!!
Nick, I don’t care if you get a new car or not — I’m a psychic. I have, however, had a lot of bad luck with used cars. People familiar with this column may remember the story of my horrible van. One hilarious thing you should know about me is that I take used cars to the mechanic to be inspected AFTER I bought them.
FUN FACT: The 1996 Jetta I bought in 2016 failed emissions on the day Trump got elected.*
That Jetta was such a piece of shit. I wanted it because it had a sunroof. My roommate was with me when I went to see it. She said I seemed to have “gone crazy” while I was talking to the guy who was selling it. He told me it had passed emissions and I said, “Why doesn’t it have a sticker?”
He said, “Well … it will pass.”
I said, “Hmmm.”
What was I thinking about during that “Hmmm,” you ask? Nothing, that’s what. That “Hmmm” was pure theater. What could I have been thinking? “I want a sunroof.” That’s what I was thinking.
And then, I BOUGHT IT.
Next time I want a sunroof that bad I’m going to purchase a sunroof — by itself — and sleep with it like it’s a fucking teddy bear.
After some hijinks I’m not at liberty to discuss, I got that Jetta to pass emissions. Sadly, the “fun” was far from over. That Jetta overheated on the I-10 freeway during rush hour. That Jetta’s dashboard would stop working — whenever! I had to lean my entire weight against the nozzle to get gas into that Jetta — THE WHOLE TIME I WAS PUMPING. But the WORST thing about that fucking Jetta was the three days the windshield wipers wouldn’t turn off.
That sounds funny, right? It wasn’t. And I know what you’re thinking: “Why didn’t you take out the fuse that controlled the wipers?”
I removed every fuse a boy from Connecticut could find, AND THOSE WIPERS KEPT GOING.
I had to take the blades off. I pointed the naked, rotating wiper arms in the air. I drove down the highway in what looked like a giant, near-death insect from 1986 with youthful, hyperactive antennae. I was single. I have it on video. And then, on the fourth day, they stopped.
I lived in fear of the day they would start again.
In 2018, I bought a new car for the first time in my life. I have to make payments for the next six years. It was the best decision I ever made. You are ready, Nick.
One more thing: No matter what happens on this Election Day, don’t panic. Take care of each other. Also, let’s OVERTURN CITIZENS UNITED.