Advice King

Comedian, musician, host of Chris Crofton's Advice King Podcast and former Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the “Advice King,” Crofton will share his hard-won wisdom with whosoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Facebook and Twitter, and to submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread[at]gmail[dot]com or editor[at]nashvillescene[dot]com. 


Dear Advice King,

I've never liked those holiday "form letters," but I'm considering doing them this year because I don't have time to send out my usual greeting cards. Do you think that's OK, or is it tacky and impersonal?

—Amy in Philadelphia

I remember those! When I was growing up in the ’70s and ’80s in New Canaan, Conn., they were HOT. Are they still popular? Me and my mom used to hate-read them together in 1983.

For those of you not familiar with these things, they’re a person or family’s (usually typed) year-in-review. A sort of fake short story about boring and repugnant people who aren’t quite boring and repugnant enough to be in a real short story. In Connecticut, it was a way for sociopaths to rub their “success” in people’s faces with the plausible deniability of it being a Christmas greeting. They are Trojan horses full of humblebrags, essentially, and they go something like this:

HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM THE JOHNSONS!

Hi everybody! We have so many friends that we couldn't possibly write everyone their own Christmas card — we have to leave some time for antiquing ;)  

2011 was quite a year for THE JOHNSONS in New Canaan, Conn. To tell you the truth we haven’t been in town much since our son finished building the house on St. Barts. He baked the patio tiles himself in a kiln! Looks like Christmas in the tropics this year instead of at the house on Martha’s Vineyard!

It worked out wonderfully though, because THE JOHNSONS' family friend Bono from the hard-rock band U2 will be at the Vineyard compound. He’s been bugging THE JOHNSONS for years to stay there because he loves THE JOHNSONS' heated, Olympic-size, I.M. Pei-designed saltwater pool so much. He says it reminds him of Dublin. 

Tonton (Keaton) took a semester off from Harvard Law to finish the St. Bart’s house — and to get a little surfing in! He’s a rascal. By the way, the charges against Tonton were dropped last spring. 

Kookoo (Katherine) learned to speak Mandarin in rehab, and she’s returning to the ballet conservatory! She’s missed Belgium.

Also, THE JOHNSONS had too many yachts, so THE JOHNSONS had to sell some of our yachts this year. Booboo (Beckett) ran eight marathons, and Foofoo (Fuckhead) won the golf tournament … blah blah blah, etc.

We hope you losers had a great year too! Merry Christmas from THE JOHNSONS

My advice?™ Have some fun: 

HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM AMY!

2021 was another great year for selling mail-order ferret milk! I took my son Larry out of fourth grade to help me with the shipping. As usual, I used all the profits to buy Beanie Babies. 

My oldest, also named Larry, was in the insurrection! Shhhh! He had a great time. 

I made my own Peloton out of washing-machine parts from the dump! 

I am writing this from Dealey Plaza, by the way. I’m the last one still waiting for the triumphant return of JFK Jr.

Also, please send me your email address — I have something important to tell you about Herbalife.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

 

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