Comedian, musician, host of Chris Crofton's Advice King Podcast and former Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the “Advice King,” Crofton will share his hard-won wisdom with whosoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Facebook and Twitter, and to submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread[at]gmail[dot]com or editor[at]nashvillescene[dot]com.
Dear Advice King,
I've been thinking about running for local political office, but I have one or two skeletons in my closet and no relevant experience. Do you think that matters? Should I do it anyway?
—Morgan in Orlando
Relevant experience is actually considered a “minus” in politics. Your corporate overlords will love that you come “ready to program.” They’ll hire a “think tank” to write all your “legislation” so you can get down to the real business of modern public service: applying bronzer and getting a hair transplant.
I would recommend running as a Republican. Republicans are the easiest politicians to be, because they have no policies. Your job will be to do nothing — on purpose — to prove that the government can’t get anything done.
The Republicans figure that once they have proven that the government can’t get anything done — by not trying to do anything, and by sabotaging anyone who does try — they can argue that all government functions should be privatized. It’s a fun trick, because it also gives them more time to go on Fox News.
Since most of your job as a Republican will be to go on Fox News, you might be wondering what you should say while you’re on there. Say stuff like, “My name is Morgan, it sounds just like 'More Gun.'"
Do you remember that movie My Fair Lady, More Gun? Do you remember when that guy taught the lady how to say “the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain”? Well, after the corporate overlords hand you the money to fund your campaign, they’ll teach you what to say on Fox News. It’ll be like My Fair Lady meets the Manchurian Candidate:
MANCHURIAN FAIR LADY — a short play by The Advice King
Interior, Monsanto headquarters. A classroom is set up. Morgan sits at a school desk. Satan is standing at the front of the room holding red chalk. “Radical Socialist Agenda” is written on the chalkboard.
SATAN: Hello, Morgan.
MORGAN: Satan? Monsanto is run by Satan?
SATAN: I don’t run it. I’m a consultant. Louis DeJoy runs it. He runs everything. No more questions, asshole. Do you want a hair transplant or not?
MORGAN: OK. What do I say when I’m on Fox News?
SATAN: Radical socialist agenda.
MORGAN: What else?
SATAN: Try to keep a straight face while you’re talking about the deficit. Also, your new last name is “World War II.”
Room explodes. Morgan wakes up nude in a grain silo.
Good luck, More Gun World War II. Maybe someday Donald Trump will call your wife ugly and accuse your father of shooting JFK — that’s when you’ll know you’ve made it.