Advice King

Comedian, musician, host of Chris Crofton's Advice King Podcast and former Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the “Advice King,” Crofton will share his hard-won wisdom with whosoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Facebook and Twitter, and to submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread[at]gmail[dot]com or editor[at]nashvillescene[dot]com.

Dear Advice King,

My wealthy friend purchased a doomsday silo and offered to let me come there and live for free when things “get really bad.” But I don't know if I want to live underground for the rest of my life. Should I just tough it out when the shit hits the fan, or should I take refuge in my friend's silo?

Thank you!

—“Mad Max" in Kansas City, Mo.

Free? Move in now. Paying rent is the worst part of being alive. Tell your friend that, for you, “doomsday” is the first of every month. 

Also, say you need to get in there early so you can get comfortable with the TV remote. Figuring out which “HDMI” does what on a stranger’s television is MY doomsday: HOW THE FUCK DO YOU WATCH YOUTUBE ON THIS PIECE OF SHIT?! *fire, four horsemen, etc.*

I Googled “doomsday silo.” I was picturing a farm silo. The first thing that comes up is a decommissioned missile silo with a climbing gym and a movie theater. I think I’d prefer a farm silo. Imagine the kind of maniac who wants to spend the end times in a climbing gym. I’m highly suspicious of the people who go to regular, peacetime climbing gyms. 

FULL DISCLOSURE: I’ve never been in a climbing gym. Everyone there is probably nice.

Maybe I should buy a farm silo. Clear all the grain out — nobody wants to spend their last days swimming in grain — put in a toilet, get all my wrestling magazines in there. 

2021 Advice King Doomsday Farm Silo Contents

  1. Futon
  2. Lava lamp
  3. Heather Thomas poster
  4. 250,000 cans of Campbell’s Chunky Beef Soup
  5. 250,000 bags of Trader Joe’s *Super Sour* Scandinavian Swimmers
  6. 250,000 cartons of Califia cold brew concentrate
  7. TV/VCR combo
  8. 6-string bass
  9. Peavey Musician 400 head with matching pair of 6x12 cabs
  10. Lifetime supply of underwear (5 pairs)
  11. Banana tree

I’ll probably drink all the cold brew in the first month. :(

ONE MORE THING: The shit has ALREADY hit the fan, Max. Jeff Bezos and Mark Zuckerberg have been shitting — exclusively — in “the fan” for years.

Elon Musk shits in “the fan.” 

Henry Kissinger is a fan that actually shits.

Laura Ingraham is a fan that shits other fans that shit.

The Pentagon is a huge fan caked with so much shit that it mimics the appearance of a building.

In unrelated news, Tucker Carlson cleans up dogshit with his wig, for fun.


Like what you read?

Click here to make a contribution to the Scene and support local journalism!