Kotz
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Kotz / Media / Politics Secret Service: Al Gore Was a Dick
Posted by Pete Kotz on Thu, Aug 6, 2009 at 5:13 AM
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Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Kotz / Politics Attn. Birthers: Now You Can Make Sure All Your Enemies Were Born in Kenya!
Posted by Pete Kotz on Wed, Aug 5, 2009 at 3:31 PM
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That's right! The Kenyan government -- or someone pretending to be the Kenyan government -- has just released the popular new Republic of Kenya Birth Certificate Generator! By simply filling in a few quick boxes, you can now make the target of any conspiracy a foreign-born citizen!
Let's say you believe a certain president (hint: He shares a middle name with a deposed Iraqi dictator) is a resident alien, and thus legally barred from office. You're absolutely certain he was born in Kenya, because the guy who mumbles to himself next door told you so. But since you have no proof, and your theory defies all logic, you're having a hard time getting others to believe it. Nor will they let their kids near you.
Presto! Simply fill out the electronic form, and you'll have proof that your nemesis is a foreigner! It's free, easy to use, and can be mastered by paying some kid five bucks to show you how to use the internet! So what are you waiting for? Get started by generating your own documentary proof today!
Congress / Crazy Crap / Hicks From the Sticks / Kotz / Law and Order / Politics Manly Zach Wamp Confronts Obama at the Tennessee State Line
Posted by Pete Kotz on Wed, Aug 5, 2009 at 5:56 AM
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The Scene: The year 2011 at the Tennessee state line. Foreign-born President Barack Obama has completed his socialist takeover of America. By executive decree, he's eliminated the Second Amendment and ordered the confiscation of all guns. 
Two years earlier, Governor Zach Wamp declared, "People have asked me what we'd do if President Barack Obama issued an executive order to take firearms away from the people. I'll tell you what we'd do. We will meet him at the state line!" Now he's making good on his word, waiting for Obama at the Virginia border.
Gubernatorial aide Skippy: "Jeepers, governor, are you sure we have to do this? It seems kind of weird just standing along the road waiting for Obama to show up."
Wamp: "Zach Wamp has vowed to defend the sovereignty of the great state of Tennessee. And by God, that's exactly what Zach Wamp intends to do."
Skippy: "But what if he actually shows up? You're not really going to shoot the president, are you?"
Wamp: "Zach Wamp hopes that it doesn't come to that, Skippy. But if it does, Zach Wamp is prepared to die a brave and glorious death to defend our Second Amendment rights."
Skippy: "You do know that's only a BB gun, don't you? Your aides decided you'd be less likely to hurt yourself."
Wamp: "Hmmm, Zach Wamp thought those bullets looked a little small. But never mind. The heathen Obama is no match for Zach Wamp, even if he's backed by an entire Panzer division..."
Monday, August 3, 2009
Congress / Hicks From the Sticks / Kotz / Legislature / Media / Politics Fred Thompson Leads This Week's Kook Power Rankings
Posted by Pete Kotz on Mon, Aug 3, 2009 at 5:43 AM
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Former senator/failed presidential candidate Fred Thompson has emerged from exile, recasting himself as a full-on whackjob to win this week's Kook Power Rankings:
1. Fred Thompson: It's the latest rage in right-wing conspiracies. A federal measure designed to help elderly people write living wills is being recast as a government drive to kill old people! And Thompson, who surely knows better, is among those pushing the theory! Now he's probably just grabbing for ratings in the ever-crowded Victim Radio genre. But how's he supposed to be a believable New York DA if he's talking like some guy who lives under the bridge?
2. Rep. Debra Maggart: Following the Paul Stanley Pervert Scandal, the Hendersonville Republican decided to curb illicit behavior on Capitol Hill, which often resembles a gay bath house on Breeder Night. But instead of saying to her colleagues, "Hey, what's with the perv action, you lecherous old degenerates?" she wants to create a stricter screening process for interns. After all, we can't expect those horny evangelicals to resist temptation, can we? The responsibility clearer lies with all those little school girls.
3. Robin Smith: The former GOP state chair turned attempted congresswoman has been in populist mode of late, railing against "the big companies getting bailouts." But Smith, a master of idle sloganeering on par with Sarah Palin, has been conspicuously silent on the insurance industry bailout in the health care negotiations, where nearly everyone in Tennessee's congressional delegation -- Republican and Democrat alike -- is siding with insurers over their constituents. In related news, Smith also roots for the house in blackjack.
4. Paul Stanley: Add "Huge Candy-Ass" to his previous titles of Wife Beater, Adulterer, and Hypocrite. Because when Paul Stanley goes down, he's not going with class. That's why he's been doing his best to paint his former mistress, McKensie Morrison, as an evil blackmailer. Though the TBI says she's not under investigation, in Stanley's world, the women and children are always sacrificed first.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Congress / Kotz / Law and Order / Legislature / Politics Ron Ramsey Urges Vote Against Sotomayor; She Ain't Gun Enough
Posted by Pete Kotz on Fri, Jul 31, 2009 at 2:30 PM
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Tennessee gubernatorial aspirant Ron Ramsey doesn't seem to have learned from the backlash against the legislature's guns-in-parks-and-bars bills. So he's decided to insert himself into the confirmation vote on Judge Sonia Sotomayor, hoping to push his unique brand of gooberism on the federal level. 
In an announcement this afternoon, Ramsey called on Tennesseans to urge their senators to vote against the nominee. He doesn't actually mean this, since he knows that Lamar Alexander already plans to vote yea, while Bob Corker will vote nay. But it does offer him the chance to snuggle up to gun nuts in the Republican primary:
As sponsor of Tennessee's right-to-carry law, I am deeply concerned that she will continue to ignore the fundamental rights guaranteed by the Second Amendment. Just last year, the U.S. Supreme Court held that the Second Amendment guarantees both an individual's right to own firearms and a right to self-defense. However, Judge Sotomayor ignored this ruling and held in 2009 that the Second Amendment applies only to federal gun control measures, NOT state gun control. She is clearly willing to allow state governments to enact gun control measures which fly in the face of the constitutional right to defend our loved ones as well as ourselves. This could undo Tennessee's right-to-carry permit law in addition to other Second Amendment protections passed by the state legislature, one of which was passed over a gubernatorial veto just this year. Judge Sotomayor should not be elevated to the U.S. Supreme Court. She is a liberal judicial activist who has shown a willingness to disregard the fundamental rights found within the Second Amendment. All Tennesseans who value their right to own firearms and defend themselves should be deeply troubled by the possibility of Judge Sotomayor's confirmation to the U.S. Supreme Court.
Kotz / Media / Politics Obama Hates White People
Posted by Pete Kotz on Fri, Jul 31, 2009 at 12:16 PM
If you can't get enough of the propaganda wars -- We're on the path to socialism! The president's a foreigner! The government's trying to kill old people! -- get a load of Glenn Beck above. He and Rush Limbaugh are now arguing that President Barack Obama hates white people and their culture.
We presume this stems from the Henry Louis Gates affair, where the president's words were ill-advised, but by no means "death to honky." And it's hard to argue Obama has ill-will toward whitey, since that would include his own mother and grandparents. Yet that hasn't stopped conservative propagandists from pushing the theory. After all, nothing scares their followers down on the farm more than Angry Negro Man.
Around Town / Kotz / The Economy Single People, Stay Away from Nashville
Posted by Pete Kotz on Fri, Jul 31, 2009 at 5:18 AM
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If you're young and single, you'd be advised to stay away from Nashville. According to the exacting science of Forbes, we're not even as cool as -- gasp! -- Memphis. In its Best Cities for Singles report this week, Nashville didn't even crack the Top 40. And seeing as how there's only about 40 real cities in America, this isn't very good. 
New York, Boston and Chicago were the top three in a study that factored in "coolness, cost of living, culture, online dating and nightlife."
But Pith might have a few questions about the business magazine's methodology. For example, "coolness" was measured by a Harris poll in which people across the U.S. were asked, "Among the following U.S. cities, which one do you think is the coolest?" But seeing as how cool people usually don't respond to telephone polls -- because they're way too busy doing cool things -- we suspect Forbes' science may be a little off here.
That's demonstrated by the actual rankings. Memphis finished 38th, higher than Jacksonville and Salt Lake City -- where it takes three lawyers and a Sherpa guide just to buy a beer. And the giant hazardous waste sites known as Baltimore (21), Buffalo (18), Cleveland (14) and Milwaukee (9) all finished ahead of Miami, which came in 29th.
Then again, if you work at Forbes, you're idea of a killer date is going Dutch on a six-pack of O'Doul's and staying home to watch Jim Cramer scream at you from the TV.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Kotz / Legislature / Media / Politics Sen. Paul Stanley's Ultimate Score: His Story on Perez Hilton's Site
Posted by Pete Kotz on Thu, Jul 30, 2009 at 2:15 PM
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For his affair with an intern, former state Sen. Paul Stanley lost his seat, damaged his marriage, and made himself the target of ridicule across the state. But in Stanley's hard-conservative mind, the most embarrassing moment may be this: He's now been immortalized in Perez Hilton's gossip site. 
There you'll find a picture of Stanley, surrounded by a background of Pepto Bismol pink, being dogged by the self-described "Queen of all Media." And as we all know, appearing on a gay guy's website automatically makes you gay.
In related news, organizers of the Germantown Gay Pride Parade have tapped Stanley to be next year's grand marshal.
Kotz / Law and Order For Crimes Against Reality, Henry Louis Gates Got What He Deserved
Posted by Pete Kotz on Thu, Jul 30, 2009 at 5:51 AM
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In the Tennessean the other day, Gannett syndicated columnist DeWayne Wickham denounced the arrest of Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. by the Cambridge police. Gist of his story: A white cop "arrested Gates, I'm convinced, to put an uppity black man in his place." If only Wickham removed the word "black," he'd probably be right.
His take has been a common refrain among learned and liberal commentators over the past week. And it's a natural one. It's no secret that cops target blacks more than whites. And pretty much everyone knows somebody who's been pinched for the crime of Driving While Black. With this history in mind, instinct calls for the insti-formula of Racist White Cop Arrests Innocent Black Guy.
Except for one thing: This case had nothing to do with race. But it had everything to do with an entitled professor utterly divorced from the realities of America. Henry Gates was arrested for being a dick. Nothing more.
Before you begin to light me up in the comments section, let's look at this from the cop's perspective, shall we?
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Around Town / Kotz / Law and Order PETA Files Complaint Against Vanderbilt for Animal Abuse
Posted by Pete Kotz on Wed, Jul 29, 2009 at 12:31 PM
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PETA filed a complaint this morning against Vanderbilt with the U.S. Department of Agriculture and the National Institutes of Health's Office of Laboratory Animal Welfare. According to the non-profit, a whistleblower reported the following abuses:
A technician picked up dogs who weighed between 25 and 35 pounds--and who had recently undergone abdominal surgery--by grasping the skin on the scruff of their necks without providing any other support.
A mouse was allowed to suffer for several days with a proptosed eye (when the eyeball pops out of the socket but is still attached).
Another mouse who was scheduled to be killed on Monday was found to have no water on the preceding Friday. The supervisor stated that it didn't matter because the mouse was going to be killed on Monday anyway.
A group of kittens in Vanderbilt's laboratories is being raised without the care of their mother in complete darkness.
