Monday, October 28, 2013

If Kids Still Do Tricks on Halloween, Some of them Should Egg the Department of Health

Posted By on Mon, Oct 28, 2013 at 5:30 AM

In what must surely be the most busy-bodying kill-joy press release of the season (at least until Christmas, when they shit all over leaving milk and cookies out for Santa), the Tennessee Department of Health is trying to ruin Halloween.

“Too many of us, without thinking, hand out calorie-loaded goodies that do great harm to children,” said TDH Family Health and Wellness Director Michael Warren, MD, MPH. “There are many treats children may appreciate even more than another sugary piece of junk food. Fake teeth, stickers, small toys, pencils and other giveaways can be just as much fun to give and receive as unhealthy candy.”

From this statement, I can only assume that Dr. Warren sprang from his mother's womb a fully-grown adult, because there is no child in the history of childhood who would find getting a pencil as much fun as getting candy. And any child who tells you that a pencil is fine instead of candy is telling you that because the kid has already figured out that you're a giant douche canoe and what's the point in trying to reason with you?

But it gets worse. And by worse, I mean, more hilarious:

Adult Halloween celebrants should also think about themselves and friends. For those who have leftover bags of candy, taking them to work the next day is not doing anyone any favors. Put leftover candy in the freezer out of sight and ration it over time until it’s gone. Tossing it in the trash is also an option. If a decorated cake shows up in the office, limit your tasting to about three small bites and then walk away.

It's as if the Department of Health has no idea why people share food. It's not like your co-workers are intentionally trying to poison you and the person who has three bites of cake and then doesn't eat the rest isn't saying to her peers "I am so healthy." She's saying "this cake is bad." My god, if you're not going to eat the whole piece, either share with someone or don't eat any, rather than taking a whole slice and eating three bites and running away, which the baker will rightly take as an insult.

But I'm completely fascinated by this "tossing it in the trash is also an option" idea. Is this really what it means to be a rich person? Someone can spend their hard-earned money on a gift for your children and you can just be fine with throwing it out? That this is not universally considered the height of rudeness is amazing to me.

This seems like such a dickish way to treat your neighbors and your children—to let your children take candy your neighbors spent money on and then you toss it in the trash. If you aren't going to let your kids eat it, why would you let them take it? What values are they supposed to learn from that? That Mommy and Daddy are capricious assholes?

Honestly, Tennessee kids aren't fat because they eat like shit at holidays. They're fat because they're poor and they eat like shit when they eat at all. But sure, let's just act like one night of abundant food that kids like to eat is the problem and not that their lives are hard all the time.

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