Nashville is not a Major League Baseball town. Let's just be up-front about that right now. But I think we should steal the Astros from Houston.
It's like when you go to the store and you see a pair of lime green pumps and you know you have nothing to wear them with, but they're cute and they feel good, and then you look at the price and they're a dollar. You cannot pass up cute, comfortable, lime green pumps that are only a dollar! The Astros are those shoes. Or they could be.
On Sunday, the Astros game at Cleveland had a Nielsen rating of 0.0.0. in Houston. Are there no old men in Houston who come home from church, strip to their briefs and nap in their easy chairs while the game is on in the background? Not even a single one?
Nashville, we can do better than that. So, I'm calling on Mayor Dean to put together an incentives package to lure the Astros to Nashville. Here's what I think we should promise them — at least one person will watch all of their televised games. We guarantee they will never again have a Nielsen rating so low. We won't guarantee more than one viewer, but they'll never have less than that. Our old-timey baseball team will play right before them at some home games, thus suckering the old-timey players and their families and friends into sticking around for the Astros' game. We will impose stiff fines on any sports writer in town who uses the term "Dis-Astros," when they have a particularly egregious losing streak. The money collected from that fine will be used to purchase the team a puppy to keep them company in the dugout.
And I think that's all we'd need. We wouldn't care much more about the Astros than Houston does, but we sure couldn't care less.