Take your pick of any national media outlet and you'll probably find the tale of William Blakely, the former vice-mayor of Mount Carmel, Tenn. who has allegedly been flashing women on the interstate near his house and who has become famous overnight for, as Talking Points Memo reports, "At over 90 miles per hour, he had his penis out [the window]... he was masturbating..."
I have so many questions. Just starting with "How does a dude get his penis out the window while masturbating while driving?" I mean, sure, he could have set his cruise-control, but is he some kind of contortionist? Can we at least find out where he takes yoga? Did he not watch Thelma & Louise even once and see what happens to jerks like him? When you have your cock hanging out the window at 90 mph, aren't you afraid of it getting hit by an errant bug or, god forbid, a cigarette butt?
And I get that part of the thrill is that you're able to embarrass and harass women who can't do much about it. But in this age of the ubiquitous cell phone, aren't you terrified that someone is going to make a video and put it up on YouTube?
Then again, people, imagine how awesomely terrible his trial is going to be! The most obvious defense in this case is that it's not physically possible for him to get his penis out a car window. So will his lawyers put him on the stand with a car door next to him and ask him to (fail to) demonstrate his technique?
It's too bad Johnnie Cochran is dead. Because "If you can't see his dick, you must acquit" is a hell of a closing argument.